Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

[deliverdaniel]

I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and right in the thick of it. I worry about everything (I know I'm ridiculous...)I wonder if I'm getting things right or wrong when it comes to parenting choices, I get paranoid about whether the various ways in which they behave/ phases they go through/ traits they have are signs of terrible problems or things to come. I never know if I should be stricter or less strict etc etc.

So, if you are 'out the other side' a little bit, with older kids, what do you feel you did right in your parenting? Is there anything you would change looking back? What were the things you worried about that turned out to be nothing, and which things turned out to be important? I would love to hear some words of wisdom! Thank you in advance!

I have found out that peer pressure and fitting in is more of a concern to parents than it is to the kids.
We are conned by advertising media and politicians to believe our children are bothered about such stuff, to encourage us to buy into mega consumerism.
Mine are 23 19 and 10.

So, I wouldn't stress about fashion, labels, expensive hobbies, huge bills from gaming, independence and what they are allowed to do. etc

Agree with everything dorothycom said. Most important thing is to accept and love your child for who they are. Takes the stress out of the competition between parents . Love your DC for who they are, appreciate their strengths and help them overcome/accept/deal with their weaknesses.
Teach them kindness, empathy and acceptance of difference .
Children develop at different times - crawling, walking, potty training will happen when the child is ready.
Spend time with them, welly walks, snow fights, hill climbing, surfing etc - all fun and memorable.
And think to yourself - this too shall pass - this includes the good bits and the stressful bits . Treasure the good times , give lots of cuddles, praise effort over achievement and be proud of them.
When they are little, some days go very slowly, but when they are older you realise the years have flown past. Love them, tell them you love them and never stop hugging them and telling them you love them ( even though some days you are dog tired and they have not been easy).
Oh! Reading to them important (and lovely!) - homework ( apart from phonics/regular reading and learning times tables) not so much!

This thread has made me cry and I don't really know why. I think it's because I worry so much about whether I'm being a good enough parent and this is reminding me I just need to relax more.

Thank you for all the lovely advice

I remember taking the recycling to the nearest recycle bins with ds (a few streets) and getting caught in the rain. We got rather wet and gave up trying to stay dry and jumped into every single puddle on the way home. I have to admit it was great fun

Yes to encouraging them to be themselves, even if they do want to turn up to non uniform day at school in a bow tie and bowler hat!

I've nominated this for classics. Thanks OP - what a bloody lovely and reassuring thread!

Plastic tat is important.

Fitting in is important until you find your teenage tribe

Trying to tell your teenagers that it's not important is bollocks.

Teenagers want to fit in.

To deny that is wrong. They will find their own way eventually.

THINGS I AM HAPPY I DO/DID
Talked to them when they were 4 so that they talk/ed to me when they were 14 (now 18,14,11). Health visitor gave me that advice 18 years ago.
Got them involved in chores from a young age (when they think 'helping mum' is a fun thing to do). It makes it a habit.
Have always talked to them about age-appropriate sexual matters in a very unembarrassed way so that as they grow older they know they talk to me about sensitive matters.
Tell them that I love them daily (or twice daily or ten times daily)
Cuddle them every day (even at 18) and never turn down their open arms or request for a hug.
Tell them that they are beautiful in a specific way (You have gorgeous eyes, your hair is so thick and shiny, you are lucky you have such smooth skin, what long eyelashes you have) to encourage self-esteem (esp important for girls).
Respect their privacy.
Ensured that any activity or club that they do/did is something that they want to do, not what I want them to do.

Made them write thank you letters (proper written ones that get posted).
Encourage them to look people in the eye when they talk to them.
Talk about current issues in the news at mealtimes and ask their opinions "what would you do?", "was that person right to do that?", "why do you think they should do that?"etc. This sharpens their ability to form a reasoned opinion.
Taught them that everyone is unique and special.
Got them to understand that manners really do maketh man (and woman).

MY REGRETS
I wish I wasn't so grumpy at times
I would have liked to have taken more photos.
I wish we had spent more time visiting extended family.
I wish I had done more baking and cooking with them. I like my own space in the kitchen too much.
That we didn't do more outside stuff. We did a bit, but not enough.
I wish I hadn't pandered to my eldest's love of being taxi-ed around rather than insist she catch a bus. Have not made the same mistake with DC2 and DC3.
I wish I had not been such so risk averse and anxious when they were younger.

You can be as sentimental all you like.

Fact is teenagers want to fit in with their peers. They won't thank you for making them the odd one out.

My kids are 22 and 14. The eldest is doing her PGCE and is currently on placement teaching your youngsters . I've lived by the mantra of take them everywhere and tell them everything. Also I think that you give them roots till they're 18 then you give them wings cliché city . I've been very lucky though, ours are brilliant girls who will be brilliant women.

Chose your battles wisely would be my view. I've got friends who wouldn't let their kids have their navels pierced at 14, for example. My view was if that was the extent of their rebellion, then all's fine.

Mine are 17 and 12

The things I've got right...

Never make an empty threat
Never make an empty promise

Errrm that's about it for my wisdom!

I need this thread

Just love them. Lots. Hug them. Smell the tops of their heads while you still can.
Don't sweat the small stuff as most of it will be fine in the long term and if it isn't, well you'll deal with it.

Oh and give me childbirth over the pain of sending them off to uni any day of any week.

It doesn't matter if they don't go to university.

Let them make their own choices, even if it's not the choice you and all your friends and family make.

I've always been quite a realxed parent to be honest.
It didn't bother me that d.d was not potty trained till nearly 3.
It did not bother me that d.d had her bottle till she was nearly 8
It never bothered me when she had a tantrum , they're normal.
There is no perfect mum so I don't try to be one.

Following on from usual if they don't fit in with their peers because of who they are themselves, do support them in that 100% as long as they are not harmful to themselves or others. Speaking from experience, a person who is confident in their geekiness is better off than someone who just doesn't fit in and then ferls totally shit about it. Support and acceptance from home is vital and much better than even more pressure to conform. I think.

Comment of 23.55 that is.

Slow wine fingers on phone.

I think that you should let them be who ever they want to be. Be that fitting in or not.

They are them, not you

Haven't read the full thread properly yet but looks like there is some great advice which I most definitely need. I could have write your OP daniel especially the constant worrying!

I don't think you should feel pain when they go to uni either.

That's what you aim for. For them to be adults and have their own lives.

Oh and don't get too het up about handwriting in primary. Ime comps are far more relaxed thank goodness and rather more interested in content. Also ime your average unis are far more interested in AS levels than a string of A stars at gcse. Worth finding out in advance if you can so they know the world won't ennd ic they just do ok.

I don't need to be told what to feel thanks. Jeepers. It's not like I told them.

Oh and give me childbirth over the pain of sending them off to uni any day of any week

I don't understand this at all.
My ds went off to University in Sept, and when we visited last weekend, I felt nothing but pride in the way he was doing so many things - from managing his money, to teaching his flatmate to cook, from getting along with new friends to coping with his washing, from getting up and getting to lectures on time, to being man enough to ask me for advice when faced with things he'd not done before. Showed me we must have done something right - I certainly don't understand why that would bring you pain.

Great thread btw