Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

[deliverdaniel]

I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and right in the thick of it. I worry about everything (I know I'm ridiculous...)I wonder if I'm getting things right or wrong when it comes to parenting choices, I get paranoid about whether the various ways in which they behave/ phases they go through/ traits they have are signs of terrible problems or things to come. I never know if I should be stricter or less strict etc etc.

So, if you are 'out the other side' a little bit, with older kids, what do you feel you did right in your parenting? Is there anything you would change looking back? What were the things you worried about that turned out to be nothing, and which things turned out to be important? I would love to hear some words of wisdom! Thank you in advance!

Important-encouraging independence, a safe secure environment, open communication about everything and supporting them no matter what. Enjoying as many experiences as you can with them-they grow up so fast. Let them be who they are. Put family fun first over extra activities. Let them know they are loved constantly. Be a good role model especially in your relationships. Pets to care for.

Not Important- not fussing about how many biscuits they have or if they have sweets daily, especially if otherwise they eat healthily. getting involved in their minor fall outs with other kids- hilarious how many parents do this.

Mine are soon to be 13 and 15

Making them feel safe and loved was important. Encouraging them to care for others was important. Taking exercise and not over doing the treats was important. Gradually giving them some independence was important. Everyelse sorts itself out. Dss (15 & 13) might be bigger than me but they're still isn't too big for a hug.....not in public obviously.

Oh god yes don't get involved in squabbles nobody wins

Try and identify what makes you, as a family happier, is it having a routine? Being spontaneous? Going out? Giving each person space and time to themselves? And make sure you try and incorporate it into your life instead of looking at what others are doing. Remember facebook is no reflection on real life!

NOT food wars.
NOT rationing screens
NOT shoving vegetables into them secretly

WAS - reading each one their own story every night. my sons GCSE English teacher warmed my heart when she said you can tell he was read to as a child. :)

WAS - making them come and say hello to visiting adults, learning to chat, offer drinks etc. they have lovely manners.

WAS - emphasising who is good at things. Family meals ( say 4 a week) we chat about everyones day and are KIND to each other.

WAS not letting people say stupid/shut up or let them slam doors etc

life much more harmonious

NO FIGHTING AT ALL EVER ( three boys)
it is not natural or compulsory this very statement makes me hated on musment every time I say it.
My children do not fight (physically or much verbally tbh) and never ever EVER have done. It makes me mad to think they should

I wish I'd sat down and done more colouring, scribbling etc with them. Both of mine have real difficulties with their pen grip and have shocking handwriting and no artistic abilities whatsoever! That might have been the case anyway, but we did very little in the way of drawing, colouring etc and I do feel that if we had, they might be more inclined towards and enjoy doing those things more now that they're older. It's not a major thing but it is something I slightly regret

Should have been more loving and cuddling. Not done much in my day which I copied in my child rearing.

Dd2 had no pen grip shocking writing still does tbh we coloured all the time

Going on the thread title only and straight off the top of my head

ALL OF IT!

No, it doesn't matter if DH doesn't rotate the baby grows properly.
No, the baby won't melt if he has the same meal two days running.
It probably didn't matter if boobs were alternated or not and how long he fed for.
Baby really didn't mind if he occasionally had a disposable nappy instead of the usual washable one.
He would have been fine in his car seat on the pram wheels occasionally.
Don't care so much what other people thought.
Having the exact correct date on each photo didn't matter.
Writing every nap time and every meal time food down wasn't really essential. (Though the kids love reading their diaries from when they were small.)

I had PND and cared so much that everything was done properly and I was obsessed .

Off to read the thread now.

Lots of people seem really focused on educational attainment, but I often think the people who do best in life are those with skills or traits that aren't aren't learnt in the classroom - motivation, effort, people skills, imagination, confidence, good mental health, practical skills, common sense etc etc etc.

So don't be pushy, but look for your child's natural talents and abilities and nurture them.

You'll never do everything right, no matter how many mothers you ask! Just try and keep each day going and always kiss goodnight at night. Especially if it's been a bad day!

I do think it's important to try and think of what you want them to be when they're older, because they do need to be trained to do some things. Maybe it'll make for a bad week, but that bad week might make a better year in the long term.

Mine are 22 and 19. I would say choose your battles very carefully.

Don't fret about screen time or have battles about food.
Try not to stress about education too much. Encourage them to pursue what interests them rather than focus too much on academic achievement.

Cherish every moment when they're small but enjoy watching them become lovely young adults too.

What a great thread.

The best bit of advice I was ever given, was to be as consistent as possible. Not sure I have managed it all the time, but I do my best.

The things that I think have worked well:

Make the time each day to sit, cuddle and talk and listen - no tv, music or distractions. We talk about all sorts of stuff - world news, football, friendships etc.

Try to give them a love of books and stories - I read to DS every night from him being about 6 months old. It's great 'together' time.

Routine and sleep training or whatever people want to call it. It's vital for your own sanity.

We have also loved doing simple things - jumping in puddles, running through leaves, collecting bugs etc.

What would I have done differently:

Not encouraged him to be as out spoken, as he is.
Not made too much of a big deal about having a good work ethic and having to work for everything you have. He can be a bit judgy about people who don't work (not to them directly, just at home with me)
Been a bit more strict about food - he's really fussy and I do blame myself for that as I was a fussy eater.
Curbed my spending on birthdays and Christmas. He is spoilt, but not bratty about it, but I do think I spend way too much.

Marking this place, i have a 5 and 2 year old another one 'in the thick of it'

I've nothing useful to say as we're still in the early days, but thanks to everyone for contributing.

Mine are nearly 16, 10.5 and 8.

My advice is:

Don't sweat the small stuff.
Choose your battles.
Enjoy your children.
Don't focus entirely on the things they don't do or can't do - look at what they can do and how they do it. A child may not be a great reader, or musical, or sporty. But they may be kind and thoughtful, or caring and helpful.

Important: Good manners, respecting others.

Not important: Being on the highest reading level, having the 'best' trainers.

I am where you are OP with three under fives but coming on to say I had post natal anxiety with no 2 and a year's therapy and it has revolutionised my life. I went on to have number three after it and I really ENJOY my kids now and let go of the worry and stress when they arise, as they still do frequently. If you can have time out to reflect and breathe, it takes the pressure off sometimes. I don't know what it will end up like for them as older kids but life is so much more joyful now and I can't imagine not worrying so much could be anything but positive long term.

Sounds good duplodon - Enjoy

I've had a day of feeling like a shit mother to my two year old and this thread is making me feel better. Thank you.

I bet you're fab Gunpowder - 2 year olds floor most of us at times
It's always good to get to Friday night?!

Yes juggling! no as pg but eating in bed.

Thank you, glad I'm not alone.

I second most of what has been said. Don't worry about which milestones they hit when. They get there in their own way and their own time and in later years no one either knows or cares.

At all stages of their lives let them be who they are, not who you'd like them to be. There is so much pressure on young people these days, home should be a place where they feel fully accepted. They may not turn out to be what you expected, but they will turn out to be the most amazing people you know.

Lots of love and affection, clear boundaries, a sense of responsibilty and kindness, and as much fun as you can manage. All the rest of it really doesn't matter all that much a few years down the line.