Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

[deliverdaniel]

I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and right in the thick of it. I worry about everything (I know I'm ridiculous...)I wonder if I'm getting things right or wrong when it comes to parenting choices, I get paranoid about whether the various ways in which they behave/ phases they go through/ traits they have are signs of terrible problems or things to come. I never know if I should be stricter or less strict etc etc.

So, if you are 'out the other side' a little bit, with older kids, what do you feel you did right in your parenting? Is there anything you would change looking back? What were the things you worried about that turned out to be nothing, and which things turned out to be important? I would love to hear some words of wisdom! Thank you in advance!

No I don't suppose you do. It doesn't make it invalid though.
Tganks though. You and usual have given me just the kick I need to de reg. Ta. X

Im confused about the fitting in comments of course teenagers want to fit in but I don't think parents can do anything to make them fit in can they?

I have 2 teens and two younger ones. I feel like I'm having a second attempt at parenting in a way! I make sure they know they are loved, don't stress over the small stuff and big them up all the time

Ps the pain of sending them to uni- probably nicer than seeing them off to a psych unit I'd be ecstatic to see mine off to uni.

I think you can help them to fit in.Yes.

Tbh I was just led by them but I couldn't afford the latest clothes every other week but they seemed quiet happy with the friends they had \have

Manners and respect. I raised my daughter on my own. She is the most polite and pleasant 20 year old I know. I had so many doubts through those years making every decision on my own i didn't have anybody to take the slack, I just had to go with my gut and my daughter has turned out to be a lovely bright young lady. Constant encouragement and praise works wonders.

Forgive yourself.

Take photos and store them or print them before your camera freezes.

As the mother of a child who turned out to have a genetic disease (diagnosed at 11) and mental illness (diagnosed at 12), I would say....trust your instincts. If I had a dollar for every time I was told that I was imagining my son's symptoms/illness/erratic behavior and that the real issues was that I just needed to _ (be stricter, less strict, nicer, meaner, more interested, less interested, more attentive, less attentive, sign him up for soccer/swimming/karate/baseball), I would be a millionaire.

Great thread for those of us with young DCs....

ashtray

I too think we can help them to fit in.

DD16 reminded me last week of advice I gave her years ago that has stayed with her. She had started at Brownies and was unhappy and thinking of leaving as nobody picked her for their groups. The next week I arrived early for pick up and peered around the corner. I saw a little girl who was frowning and folding her arms and looking very unapproachable. Over the next week we practised body language and smiling. At the next meeting DD2 smiled, looked people in the eye and didn't cross her arms. It had an immediate effect and she never looked back.

LetsFaceTheMusic, I'm sorry people are being so rude to you. I agree that letting go can be more painful than giving birth, and that you can feel that pain even while you are rejoicing in your children's independence. There is no contradiction in that: it is painful and joyful that children grow up and leave home, just as it is painful and joyful when they are born.

SofiaAmes, I agree 100%. Whenever my instinct is that something isn't quite right with one of my kids, I have sensed the truth and everyone else has been wrong. I am sorry that you have had so much to cope with, and that other adults haven't always been supportive.

Also. Help them fit in. Don't make them be slaves to any weird foibles you have. Let them take a bag of crisps into school rather than a quinoa bake

DS is only six so I'm not that far ahead of you but this is what I wish I'd known.

Consistency about the boundary is more important than how you enforce it. You can be nice and patient one day and strict or shouty another but if the boundary is clear and never allowed to be crossed then they understand that much more quickly. It doesn't irreparably damage them if you shout.

Hygiene and tidiness as a habit/routine is important. Tooth brushing, bathing, cleaning up after themselves, helping out around the house. Easier to do it without thinking than to have to get past the thought.

Their personalities will develop despite nurture. Habits and values can be taught. It helps if you work with the personality to work on the habits and values :)

NONE of the baby stuff, routine, co sleeping, breastfeeding, weaning style, potty traning, etc matters. It just doesn't. They get places in their own time or with encouragement if you want it done quicker.

3-6 year old boys are insane. Literally insane. More energy than a litter of puppies, noisier than a band, obsessed with toilet humour and killing games, and in packs the silliness multiplies. Don't fight it, instead commiserate with the parents of your 3-6yo boy's friends and take it in turns to have playdates and pour each other gin. It gets better at around 6 but the behaviour continues when they are with their friends, until god knows when. When they discover girls probably

I agree with wordfactory - if you aren't abusive or neglectful, they will be fine however you do it. There is no right way, just your way.

I would also add the importance of your relationship with their other parent. They are learning to be a grown up and how to form relationships from you. They won't learn from what you say, but from what you actually do.

If you are polite, thoughtful and respectful to each other and take your equal share, that is how your children will see relationships working.

Never mind academic results, it is the quality of the relationships they form that will really dictate your adult child's future happiness.

My mum gave me some wise words the other day...

(I am heavily pregnant, have two young DCs and was feeling ill. The TV had been on 5 hours straight and I was feeling very guilty)

My mum breezily said "oh well, your kids are fed and watered and in the house with an adult who isn't drunk or high on drugs. What more do they need?"

It amused me no end :)

Someone once said, after my DCs were grown, that your face should light up when you DC comes into the room.

Also, the DCs will do as you do not do as you say. ...so often hear 'Say Pleeeese!" when the parent hardly says it themselves.

"Oh and give me childbirth over the pain of sending them off to uni any day of any week."

Me too.

Obviously you feel all the other emotions of pride, joy, satisfaction......but the sheer misery I felt on the drive home was overwhelming. Leaving her with a smile was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I just love this thread and it deserves to be in classics.
As a long time lurker it is like a breath of fresh air to have real common sense postings- so many people get bogged down in making mountains out of molehills!
BertieBotts is quite right, all the baby stuff of co sleeping, BLW etc matters not one jot. You do not need to fix irritating labels like 'consensual parenting' to what you do.
It isn't a crime to help your child fit in ( if they wish to fit in)
Your child only wants you as a parent, and 'good enough' is fine. Who on earth wants the 'perfect' mother? They must be hard to live with. It does no harm to know that mothers get tired, irritated, don't always use tact etc- you can apologise when you get it wrong.
They do as you do and never as you say. It is true that if you want a polite, friendly, kind child they need to see you doing the same, thanking others, thinking of others, helping others etc. If you want them to eat healthily and take exercise they need to see you doing the same.
Don't expect to live through your child. Try and relax, enjoy the stage and take the 'takes a village..........' approach.
Remember that the aim is to make yourself redundant! You need to to it gradually over a long period. If you do it well they always come back- because they enjoy your company and not through a sense of duty.
Them going to university is hard, but you have to embrace it as the next exciting stage - for you as well as them!
You can then turn into a mum like Roonerspism's mum -who is quite right!

Let them 'help' around the house, teach them to tidy, let them help you cook something more than fairy cakes! Just talking to them, spending time with their interests, snotty cuddles and special times when they're poorly. Make them laugh. Cuddle them and remember that although you might not get cuddles back in their early teenage years you will later on

Luckily I wasn't driving when I took my son to university as I was in tears five minutes after leaving him. The important thing is that I didn't let him know. ( or not until several years later)

I wish I had said yes instead of no more often when they were little.
We used to pass a park and they would always squeal "can we go to the park mummy?". Mostly I said no as I wanted to get home from wherever we had been. They stop asking to go to the park eventually. I should have said yes.

Agree with BackforGood about uni. I had dreaded the day he would go. Thought I would be a weeping wreck (not in front of him of course). In the end I was just thrilled at his achievement, his excitement and the fact that he was ready and able to stand do it.
Incidentally he can cook, clean and manage his money.
Forget the chores they just need to learn how to do stuff not to be made to do it regularly.

I think self awareness is vital as a parent.

I know that I was a much better parent when my DC slept in their own beds and that co-sleeping would have turned me into a screaming, touched out wreck( different for others I know).

Important (to me)
Routine: it should be warm and loving etc bedtime routine and makes DC feel secure- they like knowing what is coming next.
Add in lots of exciting discoveries, different things to see and do.

Having a few rules that are the bedrock of our family life:
Sleeping in their own beds - they were bed hogs and slept well from a young age - it was not negotiable.

Books -a world of excitement and discovery awaits, it doesn't matter if they read Classics or The Beano , they will never be bored.

Eating at the table, table manners- a life skill. Again not negotiable.

Everything you do as a parent will inform your DC- if you shout and yell, then don't be surprised if they do it back !

Insist from an early age that they are respectful to you and others, no hitting, rudeness. If your toddler is rude and disrespectful and you do nothing- god help you when you get to the teenage years.
Allow them to have tantrums-its normal, dont jump to stop them -be firm ,consistent and remember they are vital in their development( learning self awareness and control)

Allow them to be bored and have time to just be- no one needs a life completely mapped out for them day to day. They learn who they are and self reliance.

Im sure there are tons of other things but try to enjoy as much as you can!

Trust your natural instinct, you are your children's expert you know best how to look after them. When mine were your children's age there was an awful lot of time spent with other mums. This is were children and parenting styles are compared. If I had my time again, I would do much less of that and much more time at home or with family. Everybody is different and needs a different parenting approach ( even siblings). If you meet challenges with your children as they grow up, you will be able to deal with them, and it won't be because they weren't potty train at 2 yo. Look after yourself and enjoy your babies, it seems to me that you are doing a great job by being a very attentive mum.