Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

[deliverdaniel]

I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and right in the thick of it. I worry about everything (I know I'm ridiculous...)I wonder if I'm getting things right or wrong when it comes to parenting choices, I get paranoid about whether the various ways in which they behave/ phases they go through/ traits they have are signs of terrible problems or things to come. I never know if I should be stricter or less strict etc etc.

So, if you are 'out the other side' a little bit, with older kids, what do you feel you did right in your parenting? Is there anything you would change looking back? What were the things you worried about that turned out to be nothing, and which things turned out to be important? I would love to hear some words of wisdom! Thank you in advance!

bonsoir how can you possibly know what has caused the MH problems of these young people?

Cooki
I weaned DS1 quite early in line with the guidelines at the time using purees and baby rice and there are very few things that he won't eat. DS2 was weaned later as he is 4 years younger and the rules had changed (again) and he is probably a bit more picky than DS1.

I always thought that parenting is more like shepherding than steering. You just had to keep them moving forward generally, and give them a nudge when they started to stray. Obviously its vital that they feel loved and you take care of their emotional and physical needs.

This is why you get siblings, rather than clones.

IMHO these early parenting books are far too prescriptive (and pose a real danger to the parent-child relationship).

Things that don't matter:Temper tantrums,fussy eating,fighting siblings( unless serious injury),weaning,educational ability in primary school,geekishness,popularity.

Things that do matter: Manners,conversational ability,healthy diet,exposure to lots of different sports and music lessons,reading,regular homework or time set aside to learn,learning to work as part of a team,finding just one thing you excel at,confidence,cleanliness.

     Just remember all kids go through rotten phases - even the best behaved ones.Its important to remember that they will come out the other side fine.Difficult babies grow up to be easy teenagers and easy babies are often horrible when older.(  4 kids from 8-15)

TheWordFactory - because their parents tell us!

Bonsoir so the professionals involved actually placed the cause of these MH disorders at the feet of your friends' parenting?

"finding just one thing you excel at"

I've heard this from other parents too over the years, often thgey are referring to a sport or a musical instrument. It doesn't feel right though - some people aren't excellent at anything. They can just be normal or good all-rounders.

Family dynamics/priorities, yes, were the cause of the problems.

"Family dynamics/priorities, yes, were the cause of the problems."

Wow- is there a Nobel prize for psychiatry? If there is, the psychiatrist who is able to determine so precisely the cause of mental health issues should certainly get it. He or she is a unique genius.

Not that I've met Hak.

When I was representing children in care, many of whom presented with MH issues, as you can imagine, very very rarely would a professional make that kind of connection in totality, despite the fact that the parenting was often extreme.

I suspect the parents who Bonsoir knows, are blaming themselves. We tend to do that as parents. Or they have mentioned that their parenting might have exacerbated things...

It isn't necessarily parenting that causes MH problems. My friend had an adopted brother. He had the same upbringing as her from a small baby. His birth parents were bi polar and so was he. Sadly he committed suicide in the end.
I don't know how his adoptive parents could have handled it differently. He had everything going for him, intelligent, good looking, supportive family, interesting career, wife and children.

Thats fine Var,one of mines like that and is confident and popular.Her brother has always been completely overshadowed by her.He has found something he's very good at and his school work has dramatically improved as he now has confidence in his own abilities.It doesn't have to be sport or music.

"I suspect the parents who Bonsoir knows, are blaming themselves. We tend to do that as parents. Or they have mentioned that their parenting might have exacerbated things..."

Either that, or outsiders are making judgments. Plenty of armchair shrinks out there!

"Things that do matter: Manners,conversational ability,healthy diet,exposure to lots of different sports and music lessons,reading,regular homework or time set aside to learn,learning to work as part of a team,finding just one thing you excel at,confidence,cleanliness."

I agree- apart for the one thing you excel at. Lots of people don't "excel" at anything. And that's fine too.

I don't think that parents blame themselves, TheWordFactory. I think that they are looking for solutions to their children's problems and are very keen to identify the root causes of difficulties in order to make the necessary adjustments.

You should probably also bear in mind that the UK culture of non-judgementalism is not universal!

mehit the outcomes for adopted DC are often statistically poor in the UK. An appalling number of adoptions breakdown, with the DC going back into care. Even when those adoptions happened at a very young age.

Hak I think judging definitely goes on. But I think there's also a bit of over-analyzing from the side lines. People want to believe that there is a perfect way to parent, or at least an optimal one. That adherence to that method will have the desired outcome. Conversely, deviation from the method will result in unwanted problems.

There is much more cause and effect in parenting (and education) than the prevalent UK PC culture allows anyone to say.

Thanks for the thread, I'm still at the beginning of my parenting years so don't have much to add myself. My general approach though is to enjoy my time with DS and try not to stress about things too much.

Emeraldgirl2 When you DD is ready to give up her dummy (and it doesn't have to be now) you don't take away the cuddly toy that attaches to them. You let her have that as a regular cuddly toy. I think that's the point of those, to transfer the attachment to the dummy to something she can still love and enjoy that's a bit more age-appropriate for her once she's done with the dummy. Certainly that's what my sister did with my nephew.

I agree with lots of what has been said.
I lot of people have said go with your instincts and I think generally this is right but do be aware of areas where your instincts may be flawed, for example if you have food issues yourself, you might need to think harder about food in relation to your children. In my case there are two issues that we need to think about a bit more proactively about rather than trusting on having the right instincts. They are (1) money and (2) education.
In relation to money, I am fortunate to earn a high salary and could in theory buy my children what they want (as I often do for myself!) and the temptation to do so can be there as I am not from a wealthy background myself and work very hard for what I earn. But I am very conscious of the fact that I do not want them to take things for granted or be spoilt but don't want to take it too far and e.g. not go on nice holidays just to make a point. So we do have to think quite hard about this issue and make sure we get the balance right. So far, touch wood, they have never come across as spoilt and do seem to be aware that they are privileged.
In relation to education, DH and I are both Oxbridge educated and feel we have happy lives. Hence, education is important for us and we do have to question ourselves from time to time to make sure we are not too "pushy" when it comes to the DC's education and recognise their happiness may lie in other directions.

Dummies. That's another thing that, once started, I shouldn't have worried about.

My DD gave her dummies to the tooth fairy just when she was 32 months. I couldn't bare the thought of having a 3 year old still having dummies for bed.

But... she's now 4 1/2 and I've emailed the tooth fairy and asked her to bring the dummies back!!

I looked at my little 2 1/2 DS with his bedtime dummy and realised that I was too harsh on DD. Many, many times she's been upset and asked and begged to have her dummies back. It had turned in to something which, in her mind, was a gross injustice and the fact that she had to give them away made her really sad.

So, I gave them back to her. Of course, she doesn't really use them. Very occasionally if she's feeling clingy or just wants to be a baby she'll have one in her mouth for a few minutes before she goes to sleep. But generally they just sit on her bedside table. Now there are no more tears about how much she wishes she had her dummies back.

BTW... both my children are very articulate and all teeth are in the right place!!

mehit the outcomes for adopted DC are often statistically poor in the UK. An appalling number of adoptions breakdown, with the DC going back into care. Even when those adoptions happened at a very young age

This was a very young baby-a few weeks old- with a perfectly normal childhood-the problems appeared in his 20s.

Yes, I agree education matters. That is where my spare money has gone (I am now in year 27 or something of continuously paying school fees).

What under 5s most need is consistency and predictability, to have the comfort of knowing it's 6pm so I get my bath. It's 7pm so my father or mother tell me a story. It's 7am so we get up. It really comforts them and makes them realise they can rely on those whom they love.

Also be happy to admit you are wrong. Even with my teenagers I think it's important they can see they are often right and I am wrong. I never claimed to be Mother God, the fount of all knowledge.

Also as I had two lots of children - 3 in my early 20s and twins in my mid 30s I got to practise over a long time and probably got better at it. Don't shy away from making time for yourself -time to work full time and time at the weekends or on holidays to get 2 or 3 hours of silence on your own. I did that more with the younger ones - we had a sixth former who came to the house on Saturday and Sunday mornings to mind the twins and I would never have done that with the older 3 when I felt every second of not working would be with them. In fact getting undivided attention from doting sixth formers and their friends whilst parents read, work, clean the house or just rest means in the next 4 hours you are much more available. Better 4 hours having had 4 to yourself than 8 solid hours with the children when you're trying to do 2 things at once.

(On the off topic parents should not con themselves into thinking they can do no harm, however. I have always felt children are 50% born and 50% a result of their environment. So lock them up and beat them etc and you tend to find that has an effect.)

mehit that is more common than most people like to think.

The idea is that if we remove a baby at birth or near as possible, and place it in a stable environment, then all will be well. The fact is that too often it isn't and post adoption assistance is woeful!

Mehitabel6 you said

"He had everything going for him, intelligent, good looking, supportive family, interesting career, wife and children."

And therefore projecting the bollocks that mental illness is something someone chooses or has control over getting. What has s/he got to be depressed about often follows the sentence.

The other thing I would pick up on from what people have said, is not to over state manners, particularly with girls. Manners and politeness is lovely and should of course be modelled, but there are times when it is the wrong strategy. Girls and women in particular, can have difficulty in situations where assertive bluntness is required because they have been conditioned that they must be polite.

I know it can be possible to be both, but too often 'manners' in female children isn't just about please and thank you, it's about being generally submissive and subordinate, sublimating their own opinions and actions in order to please others.

As a chronic people pleaser who has suffered from anxiety and depression partly because I felt I always had to put others first and was failing any time I didn't... (thanks for that Brownie Promise ) I'd say to temper good manners with learning to be assertive in appropriate situations.