Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

[deliverdaniel]

I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and right in the thick of it. I worry about everything (I know I'm ridiculous...)I wonder if I'm getting things right or wrong when it comes to parenting choices, I get paranoid about whether the various ways in which they behave/ phases they go through/ traits they have are signs of terrible problems or things to come. I never know if I should be stricter or less strict etc etc.

So, if you are 'out the other side' a little bit, with older kids, what do you feel you did right in your parenting? Is there anything you would change looking back? What were the things you worried about that turned out to be nothing, and which things turned out to be important? I would love to hear some words of wisdom! Thank you in advance!

Pick your battles-the things that matter
Never tell them they are naughty- just that it was a naughty thing to do
Eat as a family every night and talk, talk, talk.

Make sure they know they they are loved absolutely and unconditionally
Mine are 28 and 25 . We made mistakes but they turned out OK
Remind yourself occasionally that you are doing your best and sometimes Good Enough has to be good enough

And yes, read to them from birth until way after they can read for themselves . And let them see you reading, so they know its something you value . It is the key to so much . Plus its a good reason to cuddle up and(if need be make up ) at the end of the day.

This is such a reassuring thread! We do lots of the things on here already and it reassures me that I won't regret it later on. Thank you!

Primary full stop I see on threads parents worry about sats and primary school and I think it's so simple compared to secondary

I haven't been that good at reading to my DC but I hope I've showed them a love of story anyway - we've made good use of other story tellers such as CBeebies and good nurseries. And hopefully they see us enjoying reading and writing on Mumsnet
Anyway, dd especially really enjoys reading now, and ds is getting there. Ds and I went on a good Enjoying Stories weekend workshop together recently - with lots of improvisation and drama. As Stephen Covey says in "7 habits ..." good to spend time 1 to 1 with each of our DC too.
Anyway, as others have said, lots of hugs and cuddles, lots of praise and unconditional love, and a fair bit of attachment parenting, extended BFing and co-sleeping have all been positives here.

Get a good sleep routine from the word go.
For us that meant no co-sleeping ever, ever. Even when ill. Minimal interaction at night and not running in to every whimper. I also stopped bf when I'd had enough..even though I hadn't reached any magic number of months.
Bringing up children is hard. But everything is much more manageable when everyone has had a good nights sleep.

Fantastic thread

It's amazing how a good new question can bring out great posts.

I would say

Important

Family meal times
Try to see the humour in any situation
Limit screen time- it is sucking the joy out of life
Lots of hugs and love
Being honest, modelling 'nobody's perfect' at all times

Unimportant
Who earns what
Who did the dishes
Tidy rooms
What everyone else has/is doing/wearing/driving
The Jones'

Probably not the intention, but this thread has made me cry. Had a tough day with dd today - classic case of terrible twos. All day. She's so precious to me and I now feel so bad.

Another marking place (two DC 2.8 and 6 weeks) and saying thank you for the advice and perspective.

Sleeping in their own beds does not matter. Just sleeping, wherever.
They won't sleep with you forever. Sleeping with them aged 8 or 9 is just as lovely as 2 or 3.

Read stories in bed together. Very, very, very important. Every night.

Eat nice food.

Go for walks together. Long walks.

Lots of kissing and cuddling.

Learning music.

Developing a work ethic re: school work and homework. (have neglected this aspect of parenting and it has come back to bite me on the arse HARD).

Not important:

Sleeping through

Holidays abroad

'Getting your body back' after childbirth/breastfeeding

Pick your battles

Compromise

Don't stress about messy bedrooms

Don't do the 'my house my rules' bollocks

Welcome their friends

Let them know you always have their back and they can tell you anything without you going off on it.

Sod chores

Always say yes if you can

Don't stress about screen times

Love them unconditionally

Important
Minimal TV/maximum outside time - to whatever extent is reasonable and realistically possible
Reading to very young children, making sure they have lots of books to look at
Going out to do things with others adults who will chat to each other over the DC heads and DC can learn not to be centre of attention
A lot of love
Try not to shout

Not Important
Anything to do with breastfeeding
Type or brand of buggy/car seat/child rearing item
Trips to museums/theatre (sorry folks, that 3yo just won't care or remember)
Other parents childcare arrangements or their opinions on yours
Macdonalds

Loving this thread! So good to read something genuinely, positive and helpful!

Mine are almost 20 & almost 18.

Love them and tell them you love them.

Listen to them and talk to them, not at them.
Don't get dragged into shouting, screaming matches with them. It's not healthy and it doesn't solve them.

You reap what you sow, especially with teenagers. If you don't out effort in, they won't give effort back.

Support and encourage. Make them believe that they can. Both of my DC decided early on what they wanted to do as a career. DS1 is doing it, and DS2 is well on his way, we've encouraged them since they decided.

Tell them how proud you are, especially of effort. The acheivement doesn't always matter, but to me the effort does,
Sitting round the table at mealtimes, or playing board games. That family time is so so important.
Laugh, a lot, with them, at them and at yourselves.
Admit it when you are wrong and apologise.

Not Important
Chores. Yes ours do do some, but it's not the end of the world if they don't. I don't nag, they volunteer to do jobs round the house when they aren't under pressure.

If they don't eat their tea, or they didn't like a certain food. DS2 was really fussy, he'll eat anything now.

Oh wow! left for a while to go to work and came back to all this wonderful wise advice. I can't thank you all enough! So incredibly reassuring and life affirming. (and discussion of hte day!!)

What a lovely thread! Full of common sense too.
I think that everything that I would say has already been said.
The one thing that I would do differently is get them doing housework from a much younger age, but having said that they are all adults and all cook healthy meals, can clean etc
I wouldn't have fussed about food so much, just eating healthy meals as a family got them there- I wish that I had realised that weaning is very short and not important.
The most important things were unconditional love, the security of boundaries, choosing my battles, giving them time, laughing together, and communication, communication, communication.
My advice is do what suits you, don't let people make you feel inferior because their children read earlier than yours, or they co sleep and it doesn't suit you- it matters not one jot!
Actually, having looked back, DorothyCom has said it perfectly - I agree 100%.

I second what usualsuspect said.

And don't stress about school dinners/packed lunches.

It's only 5 light lunches out of 21 meals per week. If they don't eat much don't worry, there's plenty of time for them to eat at home.

The strange thing is that they remember things that you have forgotten and they forget things that you thought were the best things! If you can all laugh together at your worst moments,then you did OK!

Being a SAHM while he was little. He doesn't remember the baking, the visits to the park and museums or the mornings playing with trains, . I can remember very clearly my lost career, though. If I had stayed working I would be in a better position to provide for him now that his father is no longer around. I never recovered from that career break.

notjustamummythankyou don't feel bad, 2 is a hideous age esp if you are exhausted. It does get a lot easier as they become more independent.

Mine are fast approaching 13 (twins). I never bothered comparing them re crawling, walking, talking etc as they were 2 months early and so it was pointless. They all get there in the end unless they have serious difficulties.

I tell them all the time that I love them and cuddle them as often as possible.

We all eat together as a family every night although I'm rubbish at reading with them despite being a voracious reader myself. Just can't get them interested so I need to stop worrying and pressurising them.

I can't get them to do much in the way of chores either but my DH was the same as a child and he's fine now, very helpful.

MeMyselfAndI your DS may not remember each individual activity or outing but I bet he feels the confidence, security and happiness that all those things felt like.

That's not to make anyone working feel bad btw.

Thank you all; this is lovely to read. Another one here with a 2yo that had a terrible day (both of us). But at the end of the day we hugged and read a bedtime story and good to know that's the sort of thing that matters.

Thank you tierra.

Just off to bed. I shall tell her how much I love her when I kiss her goodnight.

Time is important, stuff and plastic tat isn't. Let them know that you're there for them and they can talk to you about anything. Always give them a cuddle and remember that it's OK to let them win an argument sometimes.