Parents of older kids- looking back what was important and what wasn't?

[deliverdaniel]

I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and right in the thick of it. I worry about everything (I know I'm ridiculous...)I wonder if I'm getting things right or wrong when it comes to parenting choices, I get paranoid about whether the various ways in which they behave/ phases they go through/ traits they have are signs of terrible problems or things to come. I never know if I should be stricter or less strict etc etc.

So, if you are 'out the other side' a little bit, with older kids, what do you feel you did right in your parenting? Is there anything you would change looking back? What were the things you worried about that turned out to be nothing, and which things turned out to be important? I would love to hear some words of wisdom! Thank you in advance!

Talking and listening to them are really important, take an interest in what they are interested in too. Being prepared to admit when you've got it wrong or acted badly and to apologise models the sort of behaviour you want in your children. Help them find ways to resolve their own problems. Don't keep them dependent on you because you want to feel needed (don't we all) what I have found is as they become more independent in some ways they need you just as much in other ways. Good manners x3, it really does make life easier.

Say yes whenever you can, but when you say no, mean it.
Listen.
Admit if you are wrong.
Apologise.
Make them do some chores.
Instill respect for others.
Insist on manners.
Lots of cuddles :)

I have older teenagers
Important
Lots of hugs and affection. Tell them you love them even when they are 6'2" teenagers.
Encourage tolerance of those who are different, good manners and being kind to others.
Enjoy their company.
Family traditions.
Admit you are wrong
Don't make idle threats. One warning and then a consequence. Withdrawal of privilege. Make sure the day includes lots of treats and privileges so you can take some away. This sounds mean but it works when they are having a bad day.
Listen to them and don't always react. They will tell you stuff that makes you when they get older but will clam up if they can't trust you.

Not Important
Chores. Really, only on MN is such a fuss made about chores. Let them learn how to do stuff but don't make a big deal out of it.
Fussy eating. It passes, life is too short to make meal times unhappy.
Homework at primary school. Ruins family life and doesn't make an iota of difference in the long term.

What everyone else has said.

As a teacher I would say consstency is key. Where we had problem teens it was because there were inconsistencies in the parenting going back years. What you do when they are toddlers will embedd in them. If No was said but never meant, it's not going to work when they are 14 and being challenging.

Don't get into 'one up manship' with other parents.
Ohhh.. Suzie walked at 6 months, was potty trained at 3 months, was reading novels at 1 year old. Most of it's crap.
Seriously, just don't listen to it.
They all progress at their own pace and they are get there eventually.
You don't see adults unable to walk very well because they did it a year later than their friend etc....

Pick you battles. Best advice ever. If it's something small then don't make a big deal out of it.
'I don't wanna read that book ! Well don't then!

My DD was an awful early teen. Just really bad. I read a book and things improved no end. I did have to learn to 'divert' conversations.
If she was getting wound up talking about something and getting angry, I'd just change the subject to something positive. i.e. shall we have a movie tonight and popcorn. Are you going out with friends later? Shall we play games tonight, etc....
I still do it and it works a treat.

Make the most of the younger years. They are gone before you know it.

Mine are teens.
Lots of good advice on here already.
If I had to pick one thing I really think I got right, it was always insisting on family meals together each night. It's always been a chance to 'touch base' and actually converse with each other.
OK, another is to find time to be alone with each child - might only be the fact that you take and fetch them from a particular hobby, or might be that you go in and have a chat before bed, but make that special time when they can talk and listen with out their siblings being there too.

The things that were most important (to me and mine) were getting them outside; having friends who also valued a more outdoorsy life; taking pride in what I gave them to eat; encouraging them to take up sports and sharing my love of reading with them.

I also think that showing them DH and my work ethic is very important.

And having lots of fun with them!

Important

Love. Tell them you love them every day. Mean it.
Time. Spend as much of it with them as you can.
Routine. Children like routine, it makes them feel secure.
Boundaries. See 'Routine'.
Manners. Please teach them. And with Manners goes
Kindness. Teach your child to be kind and respectful, but not at their own expense. It's ok for them to say 'No'.
Fun. Have lots of it.

Not Quite as Important

Pets. Let your child grow up with a pet. It teaches them kindness, empathy, and responsibility. Make sure you supervise, even if the pet belongs to your child, it is still ultimately your responsibility. Set a good example, and look after it as well as you possibly can.
Cleanliness. Keep the house and your child clean. But don't forget that getting dirty is fun. "It all comes out in the wash" is our mantra.
Healthy Eating. OK, so it is important, but then again food is one of life's pleasures. Don't ban certain food stuffs, or sweets. Everything is fine in moderation.
Family Traditions. Make them, carry them on, this is the stuff that memories are made of.
Books. Have lots of them. Read them together, a love of books is a wonderful thing.

Not Important

Money. Whoever said a small child is like a cat, and prefers the box was right. Let them use their imagination.

Teenagers DM here I would say be consistent, doesn't matter what it is:
boundaries
no
behaviour
Manners especially
if they are asked and agree to do something
If you need them to do something important (stopping running onto a road to certain chores etc)
love
attention
time
timing
reactions
apologising - when you get it wrong (we all do on some level at some point) be consistent and apologise.

Declare your position, mean it and be consistent.

I read something when dd2 was a bad sleeper, would only sleep in my bed and then not well - it was about childhood being a golden time and trying to remember to sprinkle some magic fairy dust on their experience of being young. Not explained it very well, but it meant that when I was so tired I could barely stand up or so upset because of an unintended mess, etc, I could think ' magic fairy dust', smile and be positive to dd2. As a result of a childhood coated in magic fairy dust, though it took lots of effort until the age of 3 or 4 or so, dd2 is now the most confident, happy, charming child and I wish I had parented all my kids like this. Looking back, I wish I had never been critical or shouted at any of my dcs ever.

Oh, one thing I think I did well was have a can do attitude to my dcs - believed in their ability to do stuff well even when they didn't believe in themselves.

Great thread. I have three teens...

Important:
Talking and keeping communication going even when they are being hormonal, argumentative, and tricky.
Lots of encouragement to try new things, meet new people, broaden their horizons.
Family meals whenever you can, with not too much stressing about food eaten, manners etc. just having a relaxed and jolly time.
Showing that you have values and opinions but you accept other people are different.
Most important: not rushing them on the next stage all the time. Take your time. They all get there in the end, whether it's potty training or maths gcse.
Not important:
Rigid routines that stress everyone out
Fussy eating: they all go through it and get over it, just go with the flow
Having masses of structured after school activities. Keep it relaxed in their leisure time.
Conforming madly to everything the schools ask you to do. Do your best and do the minimum of cake baking, raffle ticket buying etc

Oh yes I forgot the sleeping one.
Sleeping in their own beds. Does Not Matter.
I miss and treasure the years when DS slept in my bed.
I miss all of it really.
Wish I had shouted less and relaxed more when they were small and I was worn out.

Chat to them listen to what they have to say evenif you are tired but accept nothng as an answer if you ask how school was dont push things dont stress about stuff you think they don't have be glad of the stuff they do have,
we had a no hands on rule it is not allowed. Ever , I also think like a pp parenting seems a lot harder these days parents are bombarded with information and forums etc not1 parent gets everything right it isn't possible imo so in my day you all bumble d along together doing your best now all these websites can tell you your best isn't good enough it is honestly

I have an adult and an almost and they are great kids all my doing obviously we get on great chat and laugh and fall outsometimes but mostly get on, oh just want tovadd your not your dc mate you are their parent was my mantra when they were growing up

Don't stress about sitting them round a table to eat a "proper" family meal all the time.

We ate ours sitting with it on our laps I hate tables I find them uncomfortable. They all went to university and are fantastic, considerate and delightful adults

I keep reading other posters and nodding consistency boundries routine manners all of that

My dd is 8yo and I would say with the benefit of hindsight that almost all 'behaviour' is a phase of some sort! i used to get very worried that dd would always be doing this that and the other but no actually it was a phase and she grew out of it!

Also wish I had adjusted my expectations slightly, looking back my expectations of what a 1yo, 2yo, 3yp etc is capable of and what they're not was always too high - could have saved myself a lot of stress if I had just gone with it rather than setting myself and dd up to fail for having too high expectations.

However I feel I have done well in encouraging independence from a young age for example getting dd to pay for things in shops, ask questions and generally be able to entertain herself. Also did well in fostering dds ability to 'play' - no idea if this was me or not but she can play with her toys for hours on end and I love that!!

There is definitely no such thing as a perfect parent (and if there were she would be a terrifying thing to behold ) so don't set yourself up to fail either, you only have to be good enough. Enjoy it - they grow up way too quick

love them and tell them, as often as possible

mine leave the house every day and say " love you," to me, of course they make sure none of their pals are about

'zero tolerance physical fighting rule'

Does that include play fighting? I think that's quite important for some boys.

What would I change? quite a few things but my kids are 21 and 24 and despite my lack of perfection they seem to have turned out OK!

The key stuff has been said already: values (fairness, consideration, teamwork, reasonable work ethic) and responsibility.

But fwiw if I had my time again I would

• not routinely moan about work and the stupidity of my clients. My kids have picked this up from me and xdp and it drives me nuts
• given them chores to do however much I felt it was quicker and easier to do it myself (or pay someone else to do it)
• eaten with them more and as a family more and recognised that children rarely starve themselves to death so if they didn't eat I didn't have to offer multiple alternatives that they liked better
• Manned Up against XDP and practiced controlled crying from early on rather than rushing to stuff my boob in their mouths so they wouldn't disturb him

I'm a big believer in co sleeping. It ends naturally enough (around 8 or 9).

I probably would change a few things I was a young mum and was to strict and stresy with dd1 I didn't want judged for being the young mum who couldn't cope I relaxed a bit by the time dd2 came along

Play fighting is fine my girls loved a wrestle with their dad and were rough and tumble but they were not allowed to hit each other out of anger or frustration

Things I'd do the same ... lots of activities, getting out and about, seeing friends/ toddler group, new experiences
.... talk about it all with them as much as possible, just keep on talking about everything

Things I'd do differently ..... stress less about some stuff - got much too stressed about potty training dd for example. Left ds really late and now he's 13 of course you'd never know any different. In fact nursery helped me potty train him when he started with them at around 4 and he did it all really quickly! Certainly when he started school at nearly 5 he was perfectly fine. But whatever you think about the potty training just try not to stress out about anything. Keep a sense of perspective about toddler tantrums, they will pass (easier to say now of course!)

Also spread the love - keep an eye on friends' and family's children. How are they doing? If anyone is struggling can you help at all, maybe do more things together with their DC and yours? We all need some support sometimes