My reply from Tezzers:
'Dear you,
I’m sorry to hear there wasn’t any tobacco in the box of Amber Leaf you purchased. You mention the box contained toilet paper and coins, which is very strange.
We would need to investigate this with the supplier. In order for us to do this, could you please return the product along with your receipt, to store at your earliest convenience?
Once you have done this, the store will send this off for investigation and you will be contacted.
Thanks again for contacting us and if there is anything else I can do for you, please reply to this email. Alternatively, you could call us on 0800 505555/0330 123 4055, quoting reference number: 17437699, where my colleagues will also be more than happy to assist.
Kind regards
P. Niss
Tesco Customer Service'
This was my reply:
Dear ___,
Why would I have kept the receipt for a box of tobacco? No-one keeps receipts unless they are like those smelly, eccentric hoarders off the telly whose hallways one cannot enter thanks to sixteen-foot-high piles of piss-stained newspapers and Tesco receipts dating back to 1937. Similarly, I have not saved the toilet roll sheets; there were seven of them and I just happen to have evacuated my bowels four times since the 'switching' incident (and I blame that entirely on Tesco's own curry sauce, which tasted like cat shit and gave me ring sting).
So, I will be sending neither the receipt nor the toilet roll for your inspection and, before you ask, you won't be seeing the two 2p coins either - they are currently resting on the eyelids of my nan, whom I believe to have been killed by your curry sauce.
Thanks for absolutely fuck all,
Lily Allen (yes, the real one).