This is so bizarre...

[PistolWhipped]

DP just returned from Tesco having bought a 12.5g box of Amber Leaf tobacco. When he tore off the cellophane and looked inside the box he found no tobacco and precisely seven sheets of toilet paper and 2 two-pence pieces! What the devil is going on? We're just sat here, open-mouthed, staring at bog roll and coppers. Has anyone got any idea what could have happened at t'factory? Has anything like this ever happened to you? Where's our baccie?!

Hmmmm you're definitely more Sue than Mel though pistol she's dull as fuck.

True dat. I think Sue's a scream and I love all the double entendres; they're a pretty good double act. Which brings me on to the Sachertorte I have just baked: shit. Even worse than the crumble.

Don't worry Pistol - I'm not 'curious'. I'd probably let that Mila Kunis have a little go on my boobs if she fancied but nothing from the waist down.

I haven't baked since my Home Ec GCSE where I produced a peach gateaux that Paul Hollywood would have been impressed with. If he was told it was made by someone with no hands that is.

I'd let him have a little go on my boobs now I think of it. And maybe a cheeky finger too. Only if he bought me a cider and a packet of pork scratchings though, I'm not a slag.

MrsBoldon, I'm curious. I'm curious to know how lesbians can fancy each other in dungarees. I'm not surprised Mila Kunnilingus tickles your fancy; she's got that smackhead look that would rouse the most dormant Sapphic. I personally like teeny tiny comedians like Jimmy Krankie; now he really rattles my gusset. It bugs me, though, when people say 'it's comedienne'. No way is that a bird.

..it's got no tits.

I've never actually snorted at a thread before, MrsBolden & PistolWhipped, I loves you!!

I think that Krankie is a bird but I haven't seen the 'downstairs' area so I can't be sure but if I close my eyes and imagine what that 'area' looks like I get the image of a small furry bat that's been stamped on. I'm quite intuitive in that way so I'm going with bird.

And someone should probably tell her that given her age, she'd be better off doing impressions of ET after the kids put him in a dress rather than a school boy.

I've had a reply from Leslie! Again! Do you remember I asked him for air miles so I could send my pointless lingering grandmother to Dignitas? Here is his reply:

'Dear Pistol,

Thanks for the reply.

I'm really happy I was able to restore your faith in Tesco, all be it not in the curry sauce. Lucky there was bog roll in it at the time because the effect of the curry could have led to a messy situation. I am glad that hear your Nan is alive and kicking and fully understand the bingo situation (my mother goes every single week, loses more than she wins too!). Sorry to say though, I can't help with the air miles as we haven't got the systems or the authority here to be able to add them.

I have requested the £7.00 Tesco Moneycard for you though and it should arrive within 5-10 working days. It can't be used on tobacco though sorry, but hopefully should be enough to cover the toilet roll from the curry aftermath.

Thanks once again for contacting me and making my day and if there is anything else I can do for you, please reply to this email. Alternatively, you could call us on 0800 505555/0330 123 4055, quoting reference number: 17437699, where my colleagues will also be more than happy to assist.

Kind regards

Leslie'

This is my reply:

'Dearest Leslie,

There is indeed something you could do for me but I am afraid it is rather personal. You see, my husband isn't one for pleasuring me orally (he always says he's too full from the spaghetti hoops on toast I make him for his tea, but I think he is afraid of curry-induced backdraft). You know where I am going with this, don't you Leslie? That's right; I want to know if you have any mates with a predilection for cunnilingus-starved birds like me with a nice set of bristols. I would ask you to do it, Leslie, but I'm a bit shy.

Yours hopefully,

Pistol.'

Cross-posted, MrsBoldon. You are summat else: I get the image of a small furry bat that's been stamped on. Where do you get this stuff? I'm ruddy choking!

Ha ha ha!!!

^^ to Mrs Boldon, Pistol and Leslie

Can't spend it on baccy though?!

I think you should escalate this to the very top.....points of view.

Oh my. I am dying with laughter. So glad this thread is in classics. Fucking hilarious!!!!

You see, my husband isn't one for pleasuring me orally (he always says he's too full from the spaghetti hoops on toast I make him for his tea, but I think he is afraid of curry-induced backdraft).

Actual LOL :o

Are you sure Leslie is a man, mind, you did say you were a bit curious.

pistol you are my new fave mner - this thread is hilarious and my 11 week old baby is copying my laughing in his sleep!

I have spent the last 40 minutes reading this thread from start to finish... I have never cried at work before, and some of my colleagues are quite concerned re my mental state. Funniest thing I have ever read, so thanks!!

Pistol you need to let us know if Leslie has forwarded the details of any mates willing to fulfil your requests. (Brings a whole new meaning to Tesco Delivery)

I watched this thread when I first read it and then forgot. Just read it all through and have quite literally pissed myself laughing. Thank you!

Pa ha! Leslie has not replied to my filthy trollop email, but I got my Tesco Moneycard through the post on Saturday with a very nice email from him beautifully ignoring my request for a good licking out

I nearly pissed myself reading this at 3am while trying not to wake ds.

Brilliant thread

My period arrived today. I shall spend the Tesco Moneycard on a mooncup like wot them Left-wing feminists do.