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Original poster

Cringeworthyness of ex partners....

345 replies

Only1scoop · 28/07/2014 19:03

Had a few chuckles today ....met girls for lunch....been friends years and remember many of each others exes....

One friend recalled an ex who always used to ask for his pasta to be served 'El dente' even in fine Italian restaurants....he was no foodie and she used to 'cringe in her seat'

One of my exes used to ask for 'lattice fries' ....the L at start of word used to be drawn out....I used to twitch....I hated it so much.... he would ask this in any pub....restaurant.

Another ex of mine used to say he was going for a 'wee wee' and called his stomach his 'tummy'

He didn't last long really....

Just fun.... anyone got any others sayings that spring to mind on the 'cringeworthy meter'

Ex is an ex for a reason

Lllllatice fries anyone Wink

OP posts:
enormouse · 29/07/2014 20:24

Oh how could I forgot cringy guy I dated briefly. I was getting dressed post night before and he came up behind me and sort of folded his flaccid penis between my cheeks and said "look it's a hotdog!" before bursting into hysterical laughter.

KenDoddsDadsDog · 29/07/2014 20:27

These are bloody hilarious.
I had a boyfriend who didn't get washed ever , he said he didn't smell. He didn't but it was weird.
He also used to write me letters and come to present them to me if I ever went out with my friends then walk off. He was dumped as soon as I went to Uni.

QueenofLouisiana · 29/07/2014 20:41

Ok, I need to send DS to bed before I read any more of these- I'm on page 3 of 8. He keeps giving me strange looks as I snort with laughter!

thenightsky · 29/07/2014 20:52

I think we need to be adding initials so we can recognise these blokes Wink Some of them certainly sound familiar to me.

upthedamnwotsit · 29/07/2014 20:52

I think the ones that used babytalk and named their penises bother me the most. That kind of infantile behaviour makes me shudder.

I don't think I have any as bad as this one, but I remember one guy I dated was really big on showing how sexually adventurous and open he was to vaginas and all their glorious beauty. His ultimate show of openness was when he stuck two fingers in me, gave a big nervous sigh as he prepared himself mentally and then slowly licked them clean. All while making eye contact.

My wtf reaction to his grand display of 'acceptance' (as he called it) obviously wasn't what he expected. I think he was hoping for a medal.

MrsGeorgeMichael · 29/07/2014 20:55

best hour spent ever Grin
thank you one and all

mumtosome61 · 29/07/2014 21:00

I would be absolutely shot if I mentioned DP - he doesn't read Mumsnet but he does look over my shoulder occasionally! Shall I risk it? Grin You're all responsible if I end up AWOL Wink

BarnYardCow · 29/07/2014 21:00

Polo neck under a blazerBlush

Frogisatwat · 29/07/2014 21:03

Ooh mumtosome you absolutely have to! Can someone else help. .ahem.. persuade her? You can always hide thread after spilling thy beans..

Frogisatwat · 29/07/2014 21:04

Call him 'bob' that would work!

aftereight · 29/07/2014 21:10

There was Posh Virgin, who, after a very vanilla first shag, arrived at mine the next night having shaved off all of his body hair and had been out and bought a black 'Hom' thong as a "treat" (for me?)

And there was the one who, whilst down between my legs, begged me to fart in his face Shock

mumtosome61 · 29/07/2014 21:21

I don't want to set up for an anticlimax (huhu!). Oh fuck it, I'll say.

OK so we have sex, it was nice and passionate and needed, if you know what I mean - sexual tension was rife. I knew I was the second person he'd slept with - he was with his ex for near on 10 years and she was his first, and hadn't had sex for the last year of their relationship (so he'd been shag free for 16 months). Was expecting him to blow instantly. He didn't.

Afterwards, there was a moderate amount of post sex cuddling and then I needed the loo. Off I pop, run the tap to mask the weeing sound because everyone does that, right? I come out, freshened up and DP was sitting starfish in the bed, stark naked and flapping - FLAPPING - his cock around. I genuinely cannot explain what this means, other than his cock is flapping around but he's doing it with his hand - it looks like he's wanking but he's not, he's just, well, batting it around.

The TV was on and as I crept out of the toilet he didn't really acknowledge I was there, so I stood for about a minute just watching, agog. I couldn't work out whether it was some perverse sexual act or whether I hadn't made him 'come' properly or he was a sexual deviant or whatever. I was laughing but shocked, he looked like he was proper going for it.

I cleared my throat and then burst out laughing -we had been drinking, so I couldn't really act like it was nothing. He looked embarrassed and stopped - and thanks to the alcohol, I had the nerve to ask whether it was because I was shit in bed or whether he was a weirdo.

Nearly 3 years on - he still does it. It's like a comfort thing; I genuinely cannot explain why or how or what...it's not a sexual thing - he never ever does it with an erection or before sex Hmm

EleanorAbernathy · 29/07/2014 21:23

When I was about 25 there was one who invited me to his place for the evening.

I arrived and his mum answered the door and went to fetch him from his bedroom, and he was wearing a bright yellow shirt and cream slacks Shock

I think my face actually looked like >> Shock - I thought he was a goth! It was even worse when he explained his outfit, with "My mum said I should look a bit more colourful if I'm having a girl over"

He then proceeded to spend the evening showing me his stuff in his bedroom. It felt like we were on a playdate instead of an ACTUAL date!

elQuintoConyo · 29/07/2014 21:27

Mr elQuintoConyo would like to share one:

He once went out with a woman who, when feeling randy, would hang her tits over his laptop and ask: "fancy anyone I know?"

Reader, he married her Grin

And I still do it! I bet they'd all be cringeing over on Dadsnet if he posted!

greyhoundgymnastics · 29/07/2014 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frogisatwat · 29/07/2014 21:38

Well mumtosome that is the strangest comfort story I have heard!! That being said. . Ahem he sounds quite 'well built' Grin
ok if we are all being honest. . My CURRENT partner. Gave my bits a pet name. .. I cringed wholeheartedly. And told him if he ever said it again it would be the last time he saw them.

Icedfinger · 29/07/2014 21:42

These are hilarious!!

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 29/07/2014 21:43

adrieneswall "please allow me the pleasure of making love to you"

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhh!!!!!

My toes have scrunched up into tiny balls of embarrassment and I wasn't even there!

NoArmaniNoPunani · 29/07/2014 21:44

Frog: you can't leave us hanging like that, what's the pet name?

Frogisatwat · 29/07/2014 21:49

Oh I couldn't. . I would have to pm you all my address and request you send me vodka before I loosen up enough. It was horrifying. Fortunately he has far too many good points to permanently dampen my ardour but it was close.

FreudiansSlipper · 29/07/2014 21:51

when having sex with one ex he was like a jack rabbit (like Carrie in SATC)

I would try and slow him down but it did not work

he also used a likkle baby voice obviously he had to go

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 29/07/2014 22:10

Ok, you can start by pm'ing me Frog Grin

Am racking my brains and can't think of any so sadly can only conclude I was that cringeworthy partner.

However, I will pass on what a friend of mine once overheard at a fireworks display; during a particularly good bit there was the usual huge chorus of "oohs" and "aahs" during which a bloke standing next to my friend turned to his girlfriend and said "that was good but [adopts deep, "seductive" voice] not as explosive as making love to you, my darling". Ewwww!

ApplebyMennym · 29/07/2014 22:10

I had an ex (who was actually very good in bed apart from this) who just couldn't keep quiet. I don't mean moans and groans (I quite like them) he used to sort of...narrate. "Right let's get the protection on, there we go, now...where are you..are you ready yet? Good, I've been waiting all day to do this with you, I can't stop thinking about you, you're so sexy...there we go, that's the ticket!" Shut UP for crying out loud! As I said though apart from that he was very good. He didn't even mind too much when I fell asleep on him...

And since we're doing DHs, mine used to have a habit of calling me things like "naughty little princess" he stopped when I laughed out loud at him!

RigglinJigglin · 29/07/2014 22:22
Grin

Cringeworthy ex # 1 also a fellow clothes folder, used to call to tell me he needed to 'unload his sack'. < boak >
Also rang me to forewarn of a fancy date, requiring fancy clothes - turned out to be Sainsburys cafe Hmm Confused

Cringeworthy ex # 2 wore shiny Teflon trousers to the pub. They actually reflected light, and I should imagine blinded the occasional person.

In my defense - I was late teens and stupid

The ex who had his own theme tune, upthread, sounds brilliant.

Frogisatwat · 29/07/2014 22:23

Appleby..'thats the ticket'?? What the hell?

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