Cringeworthyness of ex partners....

[Only1scoop]

Had a few chuckles today ....met girls for lunch....been friends years and remember many of each others exes....

One friend recalled an ex who always used to ask for his pasta to be served 'El dente' even in fine Italian restaurants....he was no foodie and she used to 'cringe in her seat'

One of my exes used to ask for 'lattice fries' ....the L at start of word used to be drawn out....I used to twitch....I hated it so much.... he would ask this in any pub....restaurant.

Another ex of mine used to say he was going for a 'wee wee' and called his stomach his 'tummy'

He didn't last long really....

Just fun.... anyone got any others sayings that spring to mind on the 'cringeworthy meter'

Ex is an ex for a reason

Lllllatice fries anyone

An ex used to really feel guilty about having pre-marital sex. Would want us to pray for forgiveness after dtd, he was in his late 20s. Only lasted because he was really good in bed.

Oh ESD

You really needed to share that one....hopefully now that memory will slip awaaaaayyyyyy

Derek he reminds me Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, specifically the scene where he's flexing and admiring himself while he has sex!

Wouldn't surprise me if he kept a diary on his sexual performance and rated himself 10/10 every time. Christ.

At a posh dinner, a work colleague said "my family is of Huguenot extraction" and exH said "where's that?"

My ex nearing the age of 40 decided he was going to grow his (starting to go bald) hair and dye it back to it's original colour. I thought this was bad enough but figured he would get over this obvious life crisis before it grew enough. He then announced his hairdresser doesn't think it would work and he would be better to grow the sides long and keep it short on top. I in disbelief asked if he meant a mullet, after establishing it was the words 'and you pay this women to go near your hair' came out my mouth. He really thought a dyed balding mullet would be sexy. I would love to say this was in the 80's but it was less than 5 years ago!

One guy wanted me to overly praise his cock. Tell his cock, yes you read this right, actually talk to his cock about how it was the greatest thing ever. That no cock could ever compare to it. It was so perfect. The size. The shape. Everything... Really don't know how i managed without pmsl or why the hell I did it... It wasn't that great. Small. Bent in an odd way. And really thin.
So I've talked to it, when he finally announces that I have given it the attention and respect his cock deserves. And I have proven myself worthy l, so now he would fuck my brains out, because I had earned this.
He was pumping away, I had to tell him great he was. How he was my best ever ( did i mention I was in my teens and very inexperienced?). But at least it was very quick. Never saw him after that. I couldn't go throw with it again.

Also had a guy that was a ball and arse scratcher. He was constantly scratching one or the other and having a good smell. Dragged him to the gp's thinking maybe he had something. Got the all clear.

The guy who I don't think had ever changed his bedding.

The guy who pissed anywhere. I had a room in a house share and it had a sink in. The bathroom was next door, but he couldn't be bothered going there. He would piss in the sink. I complained. Caught him a couple of times pissing out of my window. Also pissed in empty beer cans.

These are brilliant

Ok, my most horrific ones.

One ex decided he was comfortable enough around me to fart loudly after a year or so. Ok, that in itself is not a problem.

What WAS a problem was when he put his little finger near the corner of his mouth and announced in the campest and most babyish voice I've ever heard...

'Ooopsie I did a pumpie'

He was 35.

Another ex declared loudly when having a meal out that 'clegnuts' were making his arse itch.

Cue my face when he explained what clegnuts were. Oh God why did I ask?!

(For anyone who has not been graced with this knowledge, apparently clegnuts are clumps of poo that have stuck and dried in a mans arse hair)

Boak.

This is quite recent unfortunately!

I have a FWB we DTD the first time and he took ages putting the condom on. I thought I'd check before it went near me, and he'd only put it over the end!

It certainly wasn't because he had a big one! He then couldn't get it up, so bit of a disaster really!

My second serious boyfriend still makes me cringe ( about many many things) he was about 22 I think at the time and I was his first girlfriend ( I was not so 'shy')

If I ever said the wrong thing - pretty often he would either ring his mum up to tell me off ( yep really) or he would cry like a baby.

I was driving down the road one day him in the passenger seat my sister and a friend in the back. We where having a good laugh (us not him) then all of a sudden he decided he wasn't happy started crying and wretching saying I was hurting his feelings blah blah. So I pulled over and literally dragged him out the car at the roadside and left him there.

I finally had enough a few weeks later he returned home from work I had packed his bags ready and made him his favourite tea. Just as he sat down to eat it I informed him his bags where packed and to kindly fuck off. I then walked away before the crying started.

My sister still howls about this 7 years later and loves to tell people all about the kicking out.

If I listed my other cringy exes I'd probably out myself.

My ex was Swedish and like the Danish guy mentioned at the beginning would correct my English. And my Spanish (I have Spanish a level, he did 2 years of Spanish before giving up). And French (which he had never studied).

He was also obsessed with his mum. And everything she said was gospel.
"Mum says I could be a model". I said something tactful and non committal. I was thinking err no you couldn't, you're short, a bit tubby and have a chin that goes on for miles.
"Mum keeps coffee in the fridge in our house" - really in my house it goes next to the kettle.
"That's not how mum cooks it"
"Mum bought me this shirt"
Everything came with a commentary of how his mum would do it.

Incidentally, when we broke up. He got his mum to do it.

One who had terrible BO. I mean terrible. He needed to shower more and use deodorant. Dumped him when he wouldn't listen. I would see people sniffing when we were out.

One who suffered anxiety which affected his bowels. The smell and mess in my loo on Sunday morning was enough for me to be unable to cope anymore. He just left it as well.

The one who was really mean with money- we would go to the supermarket and he would put 8 cheeses in the 6 for £2 cheese pick and mix, insist on buying 3 lots and tell me he had got 4 for the price of 3. Life was too short. I. would not even stand near him in the queue- it was stealing and he couldn't see it. He'd saved £2 FFS!

One my friend set me up with who turned up on his bike dressed in lycra for our first date, and left huge bum shaped wet patches on the leather seats in the pub Yuck!

I had one who talked about his cock in the third person and called it "him". As in, "he wants you". Creep-a-rama.

He also tried to be manly and domineering. So we went out for dinner somewhere and he ordered chicken. I was veggie. He kept taking forkfuls of chicken and thrusting them into my face and saying "I want you to eat this chicken" whilst holding my gaze. I kept saying I was veggie and he kept doing it. It took all my politeness to refrain from flicking it into his face. He later tried to rape me

I also went out briefly with a guy whose idea of foreplay was to tug on my pubic hair till I woke up. Before daylight.

Finally there was the guy who took us away for a romantic weekend - to a place with twin beds - shagged me - and then broke up with me on the first day of the break. To go back to his ex wife. At the end he said "well I hope it's been a decent weekend". Er no, it fucking hasn't.

Nothing beats my sister's boyfriend who broke up with her using a solemn letter basically couched in estate agent speak ("for myself, I have some good memories...") which ended by romantically evicting her from their flat as it was in his name. He tried to get back together with her weeks later. unfortunately he succeeded and he is now BIL

I have just remembered also that the one who pee'd all over his bedroom and my wonderbra kept his used condoms in a cupboard. All lined up. And going vaguely well, off I suppose.

I said this in another topic a few weeks ago.

I went out with a guy who I'd gone to school with but was a few years older than me - wasn't my first boyfriend but I was his first proper girlfriend. Everyone ribbed me about going out with him but he seemed nice enough. He probably is, still.

I think about a month or two after we started dating we got closer, and he stayed round my house. He asked before coming over whether he should bring condoms and I said yes, just in case.

He sent me a text saying "Mr Wang has his outfits ready" - Mr Wang was his pet name for his penis. Which carried on for another six months, including poems, odes to his penis and how happy "Mr Wang" was to see me. The sex was average, his penis was average, but Mr Wang remained.

A decade on, I still remember how cringey it was and wonder whether he still refers to it as such!

That said, my current DP did something that makes me howl with cringeworthiness nearly 3 years after we first had sex

One of my exes had his own theme tune. It was a play on a an old rock song. He used to hum it as we walked along.

Oh keep them coming please! I don't know if this is cringeworthy or just a gripe.. but the sock/shoe/short wearer also left skiddies down the toilet. I mentioned it to him and said it wasn't pleasant for me to find.. his excuse. He was too busy to clean. .we were on holiday at the time

Mum you HAVE to spill now!!

I dated a 33 year old virgin with more sexual hang ups than you could shake a flaccid dick at. He'd been in a 7 year relationship with a woman who had never let him penetrate her as he was too big (his words). I think my cough splutter, 'I've had way bigger' marked the end of our dating.

Someone I had a very brief fling with asked me to 'purr for him' mid really awful shag. Then pretended he hadn't when I responded with utter whatthefuck.

When I was about 21 I went out with a friend back in our home town. We ended the night in the pub she worked in at the time. In my beer goggled state I thought it would be a good idea to go to bed with her much older boss. I didn't fancy him at all in the cold light of day. He insisted on trying to give me a massage and when I said I must go home he presented me with a Gizmo teddy (Gremlins) and then walking me back to my car. I wanted to die. I stopped on the way home to stuff gizmo in the hedge.

On a second date the guy turned up in head to toe matching denim (this was in about 2006 not 1986)). I walked about three steps ahead of him and did not arrange another date.