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Original poster

Cringeworthyness of ex partners....

345 replies

Only1scoop · 28/07/2014 19:03

Had a few chuckles today ....met girls for lunch....been friends years and remember many of each others exes....

One friend recalled an ex who always used to ask for his pasta to be served 'El dente' even in fine Italian restaurants....he was no foodie and she used to 'cringe in her seat'

One of my exes used to ask for 'lattice fries' ....the L at start of word used to be drawn out....I used to twitch....I hated it so much.... he would ask this in any pub....restaurant.

Another ex of mine used to say he was going for a 'wee wee' and called his stomach his 'tummy'

He didn't last long really....

Just fun.... anyone got any others sayings that spring to mind on the 'cringeworthy meter'

Ex is an ex for a reason

Lllllatice fries anyone Wink

OP posts:
Wadingthroughsoup · 28/07/2014 23:20

Arrrggghhh @ all these ridiculous men! What's with the fecking pube-straightening?!

I had a summer fling with a man during my late teens, and we went to a garden party at my friend's farm- big marquee and DJ etc. Early in the evening (no-one drunk yet, no-one dancing yet), bloke went off to the loo and when he came back, he stood in the entrance, and fixed me with what I think he believed to be a seductive look across the expanse of mostly empty marquee. He then began gyrating his pelvis- very much like the helicopter cock twirling move, but clothed. I think he even put one hand on his crotch, a la Michael Jackson. Nowhere near as bad as some of these tales, but quite embarrassing enough for my 18 year-old self.

Reader, I married him his brother.

Fcukfifa · 28/07/2014 23:21

When me and my ex split up he would ring me telling me he was in the bath and threatening to drop the toaster in it (dramatic?!)
And also used to ring my house phone playing James blunt 'You're Beautiful' down the phone for hours. I couldn't use the phone to ring anyone else as he would still be on the line Angry
My dad ended up having strong words with him Grin

Another ex used to suddenly talk in a Liverpudlian accent (he's from Yorkshire) when pissed. I wanted to strangle him.

Original poster
Only1scoop · 28/07/2014 23:32

Shock At the toaster....

....got to admit extremely funny though in a dark sort of way....

OP posts:
Frogisatwat · 28/07/2014 23:37

Mr 6'7" used to suffer from 'tummy trouble' Sad

TooOldForGlitter · 28/07/2014 23:38

Oh he was short! Name started with an I though...so that means there are two of them! Shock

He said he thought I might like to see his 'member' (yes he used that exact word) peeping at me through a curtain of straight hair. Fuck. Ing. Hell.

lettertoherms · 29/07/2014 00:04

These are hilarious and so so cringey!

I once had an ex who grew a beard while we were together. A big bushy proper beard. Fine in itself. One day, he came out of the shower all excited to tell me of a revelation he'd apparently had, that for the first time in the shower, he'd decided to try shampooing his beard.

He seemed to think he'd invented this basic matter of personal hygiene. I wasted no time in telling him he should have been doing that all along.

unlucky83 · 29/07/2014 00:07

I had an ex bf who would fold and hang up his clothes before sex ...in fact he used to fold mine for me too! ...a real passion killer. He also used to spend ages doing his hair admiring himself in the mirror...
But the worst thing and the beginning of the end of the relationship was he suggested we went out for a meal with his friends -2 other couples - so six of us. They weren't rich but not struggling either...

We went to a reasonable restaurant. One of his friends was a bit of a knob - he expected 'value for money' - so kept asking for more bread, the wine to be poured (even though bottle was on the table), etc wanted constant attention ... not the easiest customer.... and the waitress did a fantastic job - more patient than I am.
Bill was £166. Knob and BF took charge - they decided we should leave a generous tip - round the bill up to £170! I tried to suggest that maybe we should leave a little more...but they said no £4 was a lot ...final straw was the way BF told the waitress it was ok she could keep the change...it was so cringeworthy Blush.
On the way out I made an excuse and went back and gave the waitress a £20 note and said sorry we just realised we got our sums wrong there ...
(I should say I was in catering -so very tip aware, especially in those days before NMW...)

BreadForBrains · 29/07/2014 00:13

These are brilliant, but have reminded me of an ex's dad who also called them pompadoms! So embarrassing as we used to go out for currys ans I'd be shrinking as he asked (very politely) for pompadoms! They were lovely Grin unlike their bastard son who used to wear cowboy boots and
Also get a bank statement printed out at the cashpoint every day, file it away in his wallet and then tick everything off when his monthly paper statement arrived every month. Sometimes, I used to deliberately shuffle up the 30 pieces of paper in his wallet. He never had any money, despite having 2 jobs. Actually, he did, he was just a cheapskate!

NatashaBee · 29/07/2014 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PricillaQueenOfTheDessert · 29/07/2014 00:34

I'm embarrassed to call this person an ex as it acknowledges that I was crazy enough to actually date get engaged to him. He was 10 years older and quite chubby and I was then a teeny size 8 and worried about putting on weight. We'd had this conversation and he'd disappeared to make lots of phone calls, and when he came out he said he'd got me a great deal at the local gym and they would "provide towels". I'd never been to a gym in my life and had no idea what he was talking about and didn't want to join a gym anyway. He got more and more het up because "they will give you towels". He repeated it over and over again getting more angry each time he said it, like it was the best deal ever. I dumped him the next day, wondering why I ever went out with him got engaged anyways.

HerBigChance · 29/07/2014 04:14

Claw-handed ball-sniffer! Genius. As are so many of these.

smileypower · 29/07/2014 05:21

I was seeing this guy for a while- good looking with a good job and a few years older than myself. in order to get me into the sack he brought me away for a dirty weekend. To a travel lodge. The sex never lasted longer than 4/5 minutes which he'd tell me was because I was 'too sexy'. Yeah right- he was just a selfish prick.

Final straw was when he brought me out for breakfast and proceeded to take out a piece of paper in order to write down what he spent. Fucking tight arse. So I hooked up with someone else immediately who turned out to be an even bigger arsehole Hmm

DoctorTwo · 29/07/2014 06:54

This thread deserves to be in H's round up. :o EatShitDerek wins for the pube straightening story. :o

Desertrunner · 29/07/2014 07:42

I went out with a guy for a while who, if something went wrong, would say 'Oh POO!'
Always struck me as a bit juvenile and cringey.

Desertrunner · 29/07/2014 07:54

And to clarify. Mr 'oh POO' wasn't a teenager. He was 43.

CecyHall · 29/07/2014 08:02

Eat and TooOld did you get new straighteners afterwards or carry on with the same ones, thinking about where they'd been every time?

SalemsCity · 29/07/2014 08:30

I used to date a guy who made a "mmmm...mwah" sound every time we kissed. Other than that he was alright but I just couldn't get past that noise argh!

I also dated someone who had a really weird damp smell to their skin and hair. Urgh makes me shiver just thinking about it. He seemed like a clean, hygienic person, it must have been his natural smell. I'm sure I have more. (These were both in my teens)

RetroHippy · 29/07/2014 08:55

I went out with a guy who was more than a little obsessed with Bruce Springstein. His idea of foreplay was for me to sit on his lap watching videos of 'The Boss' on his laptop.

I started my period whilst I was staying at his once and he actually said that he 'didn't know how he felt about that,' like I'd done it deliberately or was unclean or something.

He also named my breasts Pinky and Perky.

It took three attempts to break up with him. He just wouldn't listen.

adrieneswall · 29/07/2014 09:01

When we were in bed who would say "please allow me the pleasure of making love to you" then would thank me afterwards.

He had a thing about novelty ties, I've seen a photo of him at an awards ceremony and everyone else is in suits and normal ties, he's wearing a Father Christmas tie... Knob

MissLupescu · 29/07/2014 10:16

Is anyone else reading these posts wondering if these men are your current DP's?

I haven't spotted anything yet, thank god Grin

EatShitDerek · 29/07/2014 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Only1scoop · 29/07/2014 10:26

Confession....one of mine is dp

OP posts:
Desertrunner · 29/07/2014 10:31

And what is it with some men, who when they want a shag, wave their (floppy) willy at you in an 'enticing' way. Is that supposed to be a turn on?
It's not.
Always made me feel like a donkey with a carrot being dangled in front of it for a treat. Just no.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 29/07/2014 10:47

Oh these are making me feel better about my past.

  1. Union Jack underpants and a Bonny Tyler circa 1984 (well, it was actually 1984, but still....) hairdo. Him and his brother had 4 pairs of the union jack pants between them and were proud of the 4 pairs lasting a whole month.
  1. The Virgin. Now I know that we all have to go through it, and someone kindly did it for us, but the whole "no, not there, there, up a bit, left a bit, down a bit NOT THAT HOLE!!!" thing was a bit offputting.
  1. The Depressed Goth. Penchant for pistachio green crushed velvet and drew flowers on his face. Referred to me in the 3rd person even when talking face to face to me and used to break into our house to leave me love poems lying round. Bumped into him by accident years later and had a pint with him and woke up next morning to find a note shoved under my door saying "was I really that bad?" Er, let me think for a nanosecond. He took me home to meet his parents once and I had to pretend I was a) younger than him b) still at university c) Catholic -none of which was true. His mother spent the entire 2 days showing me her painted egg collection and I had to sleep next door at "Aunty's" in case anything non-Catholic went on.
  1. The Scientologist. Took me up to his boudoir, lay me on the bed, and opened a cupboard which was full of a) L Ron Hubbard videos b) packets of tissues. Reader, I fled.
  1. Lovely Welsh Boy from university who got up in the middle of the night and wee'd all over his room while I lay with my head under the covers trying not to get sprayed. Next morning I sneaked off leaving my wonderbra down the side of his (damp) bed and he brought it into the (crowded) bar that evening "you forgot this!"
  1. Giles. The name is probably enough, but when he hung his beige mac carefully on the back of my door I just said "I can't do this, I am sooo sorry" and shoved him, and his mac, back out into the cold.

This is not one of mine, but a dear university friend of mine eventually married (how could she? how?) a man who had a glass cabinet built specially at the top of his stairs for all hus Chelsea shirts and a shelf full of Erasure boxed sets.

Another friend of mine had a boyfriend she loved v dearly (though we loathed him) and he used to sit across a crowded table mouthing "love you" to her, at which she would mouth back "me too" while we all projectile vomited into our bowls.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 29/07/2014 10:50

Oh god, I'd forgotten another one not mine!

This one so wins the prize I think you'll find.

My friend in 6th form.....going out with a feller-me-lad who insisted on making lurve, on the living room carpet, with the curtains open (no nets) whilst eating pork pies.

Then (obv she told us all this and we shrieked in horror clutching our faces like you do in a scary fillum) when we were all out and about, he'd suddenly say, a propos of nothing in the conversation "fancy a pork pie when I get home" and we'd know exactly what he meant the dirty fecking pervy porkpie eater.