Things you never hear a toddler say

[Kasterborous]

Following on from Sparkingbrooks thread about teenagers. Here is one for toddlers, as I don't have a teenager yet.

'Yes I will eat my food without plastering it all over myself/the walls/carpet/you'

'Yes I would love a banana instead of a biscuit'

'Of course I will continue to only draw on paper, even when you only turn your back for one second'

I don't mind either way Mummy?
What would suit you best?
No problem!

'Thankyou for spending ages putting my train track together for me, I won't immediately take it to pieces and then say 'oh no broken'.

Kasterborous, we don't get exactly that too! Today we've not had -

"Yes I see that you can't read two books at once and as we've just read mine I will stop pushing it into your face and listen quietly while you read little brother's. Then we can read mine' (I am very glad that they both love their books).

Ds - ' no I don't really need to bother big sister while she's playing beautifully with her beads and bags and singing. I have my own toys right here.' Dd- 'well, I understand that little brother is just curious and can look at / breathe on / maybe touch my beads without me believing they are henceforth irretrievably tarnished. In fact, he can have one of my several strings of beads too and we can play dress-up together.'

I haven't got any questions
I an going to play quietly and not ask for anything when my Mum has a splitting headache.

I agree that by now I really ought to be able to entertain myself and not beg you to play with me every second in a really "in your face" way.

I will behave at nursery (where I am apparently a little angel) as I behave at home (mess making bundle of demanding energy) and like the angel I apparently can be at home.

Spychic hahaha! Your toddler sounds hilarious :)

What's that you say Mummy? No? Ok, I absolutely will stop doing this very dangerous/silly/noisy/irritating thing right now without you having to ask 1 millio times.

That's right Mummy, I am tired from walking. I'm just going to pop right in the pushchair now, much better than sitting on the wet pavement screaming like a banshee.

Please may I have a hankie to wipe my manky face
Ok,I'll just nip into bed for a wee nap.you're right I'm tired

My snottery red faced howl is a disproportionate reaction to being asked are you hungry

Oh, I can't take home this dolly that belongs at nursery? No problem, I'll leave it here for the other children to play with without flinging myself on the floor and wailing when I'm asked to put it down. After all, it doesn't actually belong to me so of course it makes sense for it to stay here. I'll just play with it tomorrow instead.

Actually yes,you're right mum

No I am not bored so of course I shall let you watch TV in peace.

Oh you need the toilet. I shall wait downstairs playing with my toys.

Night Mam.I have tidied all my toys away while you did the dishes and I am so tired I am going to bed now.

I think I will have a lie in tomorrow.

I'll just sit there nicely and watch cbeebies while mum drinks her coffee. I can tell she's in a lot of pain so I definitely won't whack her in the arm with a toy digger and demand she makes it go. And I will eat all my lunch neatly and not to throw it to the cat before wailing that I'm hungry.

'I won't get every single toy I own out then make a fuss because there is not one clear patch of floor to play on'

'No I won't put my soft body baby doll in the bath, then moan because I can't take it to bed because it's soaking wet'

Always good to know you are not alone.....

Yes, whatever I did originally ask for lunch is what I would still like and eat. No I won't change my mind and have a tantrum because you know won't prepare a second lunch.

Of course I will tell you that I hid your swimming card in your dress pocket immediately. Obviously I won't let you empty all of your bags in reception twice having already dragged everyone back to the changing room again. I won't deny all knowledge of having had it.

"Now that I'm sitting on your lap I'll stop crying for you Mummy.
You are already holding and hugging and kissing me so I admit there really is no point screaching Mummy, mummy, mummy anymore"

Yes of course I understand that going for a poo must be difficult when I am sitting on you, arms around your neck, refusing to let go and crying at the same time. I will just wait outside until you finish shall I?

No thanks, I don't need seconds or thirds

You're right - this would all take a lot less time if I wasn't shrieking, wriggling, trying to escape and intermittently kicking you. I'll stop all that now so that we can get on with whatever we're doing next.

"Oh yes, I see now, Tigger is in the dryer because I threw him in the bowl of water when I was meant to be washing my hands. That makes perfect sense and you only have to explain it once. Silly me!"

"I understand that you need to squirt the soap on my hands from the bottle. I just don't have the coordination to do it. Thank you mummy, my hands are lovely and clean now."

"Well, I'm not that brave. It didn't really hurt at all, I just wanted your attention. Thank you for caring. I love you."

'No I won't jump in that massive patch of mud, fall over then insist you carry me for the rest of the walk, covering both of us in mud'

'Yes Mummy that is a steep slope perhaps I'd better hold your hand and not run down it at full pelt when there is no way of stopping myself other than falling over'

Hmmmmm you may be right Mam. If I do that on the settee I probably will hurt my neck...