The utterly ridiculous / hysterical comments your friends come out with, in which you seriously question if they live on the same planet as you...[lighttheart]

[daughterofafarmer]

My friend said this utter gem last week...

'I'm buying DS a 2nd pair of Wellingtons as I don't have an Aga to help dry out the wet pair....'

Another friend

'I don't think one should children until you can afford childcare'....Que me nearly spitting out my drink...

[enormouse]

YBR I'd have been tempted to say 'yes…well, apart from the penis'

[ArtisanLentilWeaver]

Years ago-
Friend of my mother (heavily pregnant) "The baby's toes are poking out of my bottom".

Mum (a midwife) - "You have piles".

[GoldenGytha]

Not me, but a local author tells the tale of her recently divorced friend asking her,

"Weel, that's him awa, how lang til I'm a virgin again?"

Always made me giggle, I think she may have been waiting rather a long time!

[emmelinelucas]

My DIL was starting ttc, and said, in all seriousness "I'm trying for twins"
Me "so, you're doing twice a night, then ?!"
DIL -"Yes, my DH is exhausted"

[emmelinelucas]

doing IT.
Sheesh

[drudgewithagrudge]

You never see black people in swimming competitions because they don't float like white people.

The eastern european lady who sells the Big Issue in our town is apparently a millionaire in her home country.

Both heard in our local Conservative club.

[Sparklysilversequins]

I think Americans cut up all their food using their knife but then put the knife down, transfer the fork to the other hand then the knife takes no further part in the meal but I am happy to be corrected.

[Sparklysilversequins]

Jesus in an egg?

[GoldenGytha]

Could be right Sparkly

It was the hoiking of the bosoms that got me

[oinktopus]

Overheard in a takeaway a few years ago...

Customer: How big is a nine inch pizza?
Pizza maker: This big.
Customer: No. How big is it in inches?
Pizza maker: Umm... it's nine inches.
Customer: So it's the same as the name of it?
Pizza maker: Yes.
Customer: What about the thin crust ones?
Pizza maker: Can I take your order?
Customer: Yeah, a can of Coke, please.

[oinktopus]

drudge My friend seriously thinks people from African countries don't excel at Olympic swimming because they have "heavy bones".

So nothing at all to do with there being much fewer facilities, then?

[DameDeepRedBetty]

I was delighted to discover that Transylvania, Timbuktoo and the Antipodes were all real places. Very disappointed that Ruritania wasn't though.

[ReginaldBlinker]

I was inviting a friend (American) to come and visit me. She messages me, "Just looking at a map, and I can't find it... How far outside of London is Great Britain?"

Also had someone from the UK tell me that the only type of cheese that we had in the States was the plastic sheet cheese. Erm...

[ReginaldBlinker]

Can confirm about the knives though. Americans are useless at using knives when eating.

[SouthernComforts]

Me and a friend discussing taking wine to a party.

Me "I've got this "

Friend "i'll just take this then "

Me "yeah, but you won't get very tipsy on that.."

Friend "why not, its the same strength as yours isn't it? "

[Poledra]

YBR, I've had the same comment about my twin brother too. From my very good friend who is highly intelligent but often fails to engage brain before opening mouth...

[MrsGeologist]

I think I may have once drunkenly mused that life would be great in 3D

[gennibugs]

On holiday in Florida

American Lady: "Where are you from?"

Me: "the UK"

American lady: "Wow that must have been a long drive"

Me: "You cant drive from London there's an ocean in between us?"

American Lady: "Really?!"

:o

[Rooners]

Not a friend but ds1 after he and ds2 abandoned our car in order to ambush me at the checkout in waitrose, (they are 6 and 10 and were playing happily on their nintendo when I left them)

'But mum, I made fake car locking noises'.

[stinkingbishop]

Pretty much every single thing said about the twins, including 'which one's evil?' and all the people who said, including the PILs, given I'd only just met my partner, he was going through a hideous divorce, we'd both lost our jobs, and I was going through tough times with my asperger's teen...'did you do IVF?'

I had a flatmate at Uni who called me to say the cooker was on fire. She'd turned the gas hob on.

[storminabuttercup]

southerncomforts sorry I don't get that?

Friend after we went to see titanic 'I totally didn't expect it to actually sink'

[OnaPromise]

My friend thought she weed out of her fanjo. And she is very intelligent and very good at her (demanding) job.

[Feelslikea1sttimer]

My OH has a mixed race little boy as his ex wife was black... So discussing who our baby might look like and what colour hair she would have and my mum replies "ooh you never know, she might have Sam's colouring"

Errmmm no mum, I think for a mixed race baby you need 2 different races... She is actually incredibly intelligent but lacks common sense occasionally ;-)

[Happydays12345]

I was listening to my Dp and Ds talking the other day. Ds picked up the Chinese take away menu and had a read. He tried to pronounce Hors D'oeuvres but it came out as horse der ooves, Dp corrected him then said " I don't know what they are, vegetables or something".

I don't know why but its made me chuckle every time I think of it.

[MrsHoratioNelson]

I was patiently explaining to a person who shall remain nameless MIL that the reason for the medical advice to keep a baby in the parents' room for 6 months was nothing to do with supervision, but rather based on the theory that the baby needs to learn to regulate its breathing by listening to its parents.

Said nameless person countered this by suggesting that since DH and I were both well-educated professionals, we wouldn't need to worry about this, since our baby would be clever and developmentally advanced