The utterly ridiculous / hysterical comments your friends come out with, in which you seriously question if they live on the same planet as you...[lighttheart]

[daughterofafarmer]

My friend said this utter gem last week...

'I'm buying DS a 2nd pair of Wellingtons as I don't have an Aga to help dry out the wet pair....'

Another friend

'I don't think one should children until you can afford childcare'....Que me nearly spitting out my drink...

Me to person I'd only just met: "How old is your DS?"
Her: "He's 5, with a reading age of 14.."

I've heard of stealth boasting, but...

Sparkly that's really ignorant. It's even worse than some of the miscarriage crap I got - "of course you were always going to lose the baby because you were in mourning for your mother".. blimey.

Hitler Hitler.

Me: Have you seen Slumdog Millionaire yet?

MIL: No, Maureen doesn't like Indians.

Am a recently joined lurker but had to post. This is something my DF overheard my DS and one of her friends saying a year or so ago.

DS: "wouldn't it be great if you could choose your baby from a baby shop?"
DS friend (who's a Med student) : "isn't that, like, what orphanages are?"

SP I hate your uncle for doing that to you. How mean

All these from the same person..

"They can tell the sex at the 12 week scan , because they can count the chromosomes on the screen"

"Germolene is dangerous for children, as fumes get into them and can make them faint"

"Balding men should not shave their heads, as the hair will know it's not wanted and stop growing completely"

..and my on a totally different planet SAHM neighbour who has three kids at private school, 3 cars for a 2 adult household, 7 bedrooms, a second home in Spain and a third one in Dorset... "Oh we've got noooooo money (whine!!!)"

Off their rockers - both of them!

DM, in front of my DC, this summer, "have you been to Asda? It's like a (lowers voice) fucking mosque!" DC and I

I once met someone who believed Egypt wasn't a real place, she believed it was just made up in stories

Dp once asked me 'where on earth do maggots come from anyway? They turn up in places but you never see them moving around the place'

Me 'erm, are you serious?'

Dp 'what?'

Me 'they're baby flies!'

Dp 'are they?!'

Me [rolls on floor laughing]

I'm not sure if this one belongs here, but I've never quite worked it out and I do so love telling it. Overheard (by me) in the fruit and veg aisle in Sainsburys:

Customer 1: "That's a strange place to put the tomatoes".

Customer 2: "It is, isn't it?"

Green Mum got me a dress better than the bridesmaid one I was meant to wear and I posed for pictures with leg on show.

Cheeky basterd had cheek to try bollock me.

Me: DS has a new football coach.
DM: what's he like?
Me; It's a she.
DM: aand he ACCEPTS that??

Ex when I was pregnant.

Me: when the baby comes you won't be able to leave pennies lying around like that incase they put them in their mouth.
Him: why? Will they get copper poisoning?

Ok, this from my very intelligent dd, (now 17, was 15 at the time but...)
When a paralympian visited their school, she was mesmerised by his blade runners, and his false legs. He lifted his tracksuit legs up to show the steel of his false legs,leading to a pair of Nike trainers, she turned to her friend and said......

'Do you think he still has his feet?'

Highly intelligent girl but fuck all common sense.

Oh my god ghostsgowhoosh.i would have slapped her.my son has ADHD.i would rather not get any help financially for him to have a child with out it.its soul destroying to watch a child with this.bad parenting my arse

Overheard by a teacher I once knew, two boys talking:

Boy 1: Guess what, my dad looked out of the window last night and he saw a man shagging a dog!

Boy2: (after a pause) Whose dog was it?

choccy, I don't get yours. What was ridiculous about that?

[Grin] at real life not being 3d.

I was talking to a friend about a mutual friend who kept breeding her rabbits for sale.

Me: I hear they've had another another litter. Seems a bit irresponsible when they had trouble finding homes for the last lot.
Friend: It's ok, they can always get the RPSCA to take them can't they?

I must blame pregnancy at the time but once DH and I drove past a lake and there was a large white goose in the road. I said "That looks exactly like Jemima Puddleduck?..Is Jemima Puddleduck a Goose?". Seem the clue is in her name. Bad hormones!

Years ago after buying a new television, Friend said

'ooh did you buy a tv with MTV on it? '

"Oooo you've a twin brother; are you identical?"
err..

A former friend "You know why elephants are scared of mice? It's because the mice crawl up their trunks when they're asleep and eat their brains"

She didn't get why I was helpless with laughter.

Zombie Mice, FFS.

I once met someone who believed Egypt wasn't a real place, she believed it was just made up in stories

I thought that about Transylvania for years, never knew it was a real country until the cheeky girls turned up on popstars.

Oh and DD2 when she was little,

"Oh cats have skin, Mummy, I thought they just had fur"

I've posted this before,but a former colleague once asked if we roll eggs down a hill at Easter,because the Romans put Jesus in an egg, and rolled him down a hill,after he was crucified.

My mum many years ago before I left home,

I was eating peas and sweetcorn just using my fork, and she said "Use your knife, Golden, you're not an American"

So Americans don't use knives