The utterly ridiculous / hysterical comments your friends come out with, in which you seriously question if they live on the same planet as you...[lighttheart]

[daughterofafarmer]

My friend said this utter gem last week...

'I'm buying DS a 2nd pair of Wellingtons as I don't have an Aga to help dry out the wet pair....'

Another friend

'I don't think one should children until you can afford childcare'....Que me nearly spitting out my drink...

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

On a group tour thing of a place in Western Australia:

We stop the car by side of the road and get out so that the tour guide can point out a couple of dinosaur footprints.

Some dense woman comments: "Wow, I'm so suprised that the dinosaurs came so close to the road."

There are no words.

[BoffinMum]

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

I am not a native English speaker and when I first arrived in the UK for my studies I struggled with pronouncing long vs short vowels and slang.

Some uni friends asked if I wanted to go clubbing.

I answered rather too loudly that I was far too naked to go out.

Everyone around laughed.

I meant to say that I was too knackered. I said tired after that.

[AuntyEntropy]

A work colleague, during an "Asian flu" scare (some 20 years ago) remarked that she'd been on a journey and stopped to do some shopping in a supermarket in West London "and I was really worried because it was completely full of Asian people"

We just looked at her

Rather later on, I was chatting to a very highly qualified professional colleague about the then newfangled issue of genetic modification. Her dazzling input was "so I actually read the labels on some of my food and modified starch in in practically everything!!!" She was immensely sceptical of my reassurance that that is not what modified starch means. I didn't judge her so much for not knowing that, but I was genuinely baffled by the fact that a woman in her thirties had never read a food label before.

[justaquickone]

I was in Starbucks yesterday with my Dsis & she was trying to decide on a drink -

Dsis I think ill have a Mocachito

Me Do you mean a Macchiato

Dsis points to Macchiato that one their it says Mocachito

This carried on for a good ten minutes & the bloke stood behind us was doubled over with laughter & my Dsis just couldn't see/here the difference between what I was saying and she was reading
She settled on a Latte btw

[DanielSan]

DH: "I saw a Mr Fox today"
Me: "How do you know all foxes have the surname Fox?"
DH: (witheringly): "Well, it's not going to be Cat or Squirrel, is it?"


DH: "you know what animals are really clever? Bees. Small in stature, but big of heart..."

DH (while watching a penguin documentary): "They're amazing aren't they? They're like birds or something..."



He's actually very smart, just has a very sweet way of looking at the world. He is genuinely in awe of bees.

[justaquickone]

Daniel the penguin one just made me spit my drink everywhere

[BellaDesconocida]

Speaking of penguins, DH was watching a documentary about them & said in an awed tone "people just don't understand what it takes to be a penguin"

[TheStitchWitch]

Me and 2 friends we're talking about the menopause, and my very lovely but dizzy friend says "What's menopause? Is it when you turn into a man?"

Another conversation with the same friends, we we're talking about volunteers for the future one way trip to mars, same friend looks all concerned and say "What if they don't like it when they get there?" que lots of laughter from me and other friend. We had to break it to her that it was a mission to explore the planet not a holiday.

[DeathStar]

My mum 'friend' watching some news article about riots - "Why haven't they invented some sort of gas that just puts people to sleep?"

Me - "You mean sleeping gas?"

My mum ahem, 'friend' (with face that looks like it wants to go on Dragon's Den, affronted by competitor for same patent) - "Sleeping gas? What is sleeping gas?"

Me - "That stuff I have in hospital for surgery, like last month... or in gas grenades..."

[wordsfailme] :)

[mrspremise]

Someone at work (she's a lovely lady, fwiw) couldn't find ACTUAL RUSSIA on a massive wall-poster world map. I work in a school. Awkward much?

[sanityisamyth]

Some gems from my mother!

When my friend from school was coming to the stables to see my horses after school, she mentioned she needed to get back fairly soon as the farrier was going to see her horses and donkeys. Mother turned round and said what is the farrier going to do? Friend replied "shoe the horses and trim the donkeys' feet". Mother replied "Yeeeesssss, I suppose it would be hard to shoe a donkey". Friend replied "Why?" Mother - "Difficult to shape the shoes to fit a donkey's hoof as their cloven". Yes mother . . .

Mother and I were at Badminton Horse Trials a few years ago and were watching some of the horses jumping a cross country fence. After the second horse had jumped it happily, mother exclaimed (very loudly) that she wished "those bloody joyriders" would stop riding their quadbikes - starting the engines and revving alongside the horse every time a horse jumped the fence. I had to point out that the "bloody joyriders" were actually the BBC camera crew on their quadbikes filming them . . .

Mother, sisters and I were having lunch at a nice little pub by a river, watching this boat go up the river about 20 feet, then back, then forwards, then back. It must have done it about 15 times? Mother asked "what is it doing?" I told her, with a very straight face, "practicing its hill starts". "Ohhhh that's a good idea". I don't think she worked out that I was joking . . .

[NorksAreMessy]

I am now in love with justa's sister and daniel's DH.

This thread is making me very very happy, thank you

[SeeYouNT]

(this was from DH, does that count?)

in all seriousness, like he had genuinely been puzzling over it, "Is Advocaat made from Advocado's?"

[scoutfinch1]

Questions DP was asked when he started a new job in Wales

Girl: Where are you from?
DP: Edinburgh
Girl: Where's that?
DP: Scotland
Girl: Where's that?

He also had an argument with another girl when she was convinced that he had exactly the same accent as one of his colleagues who was from Wigan.

[MCPrammer]

DP was talking on Skype to his cousin, who lives in another country. She asked him: "What year is it there in the UK."

[29chapel]

My BFF to me last week when discussing my corporation tax bill due in January "i still maintain the minimum wage should be £80k - how anyone can live on less is a mystery to me"....

[30ish]

Watching DH eat a portion of 'large' McDonald's French fries, I asked him what size a potato would have to be to be classed as a 'large' French fry.

[FastWindow]

Upon being told that I thought my mum's local gastropod was a bit cliquey, she replied that it might seem that way 'to outsiders'

[FastWindow]

Gastropub. Gahhh.

[FruOla]

FastWindow - gastropod

[FastWindow]

It was a very posh snail...

[FruOla]

... and not very sociable?!

[FastWindow]

No just really small. Hahaha.

[FruOla]