The utterly ridiculous / hysterical comments your friends come out with, in which you seriously question if they live on the same planet as you...[lighttheart]

[daughterofafarmer]

My friend said this utter gem last week...

'I'm buying DS a 2nd pair of Wellingtons as I don't have an Aga to help dry out the wet pair....'

Another friend

'I don't think one should children until you can afford childcare'....Que me nearly spitting out my drink...

I also recall another colleague not believing me that a platypus was a real animal. We were about 30 at the time. She had honestly never, ever heard of them.

"So, is English your first language in England? "

American Colleague: "Z" (pronounced zed), "where the heck do you get that from?"

Me: "Err, the ENGLISH language"

DH has reminded me of another one of mine-

We (DH, myself and both children) are standing in the queue during Christmas shopping. DH says to me "Did you know if you say' Father Christmas' three times really fast it sounds like 'gullible'?"

Me - "Gullible, Gullible, Gullible" Then looking go on to repeat "Gullible, gullible, gullible" a little faster.

Cue the entire queue breaking into laughter whilst I stand there bleating "It doesn't sound anything like gullible".

Twelve years later, I am reminded of this little gem on a monthly basis.

A young very naive lady, I worked with many years ago told me the following about her brother and his wife....both white.

YNL - You do know if you have sex with a black guy it changes things in there forever.

Me - Really.

YNL - Yes, my brothers wife had an affair with a black man and the baby she had with him was a black baby. But when she [the brother's wife] had another baby three years later with my brother, that baby was black too.

Me - This one was definitely your brothers baby ?

YNL - Oh yeah, I reckon all her babies will be black from now on.

I literally slack jawed, to hear about powerful sperm hanging around for three years plus ! I did briefly consider explaining some basic genetic facts and the likelihood of her brother parenting the second child but decided against it, as it wasn't any of my business.

A conversation with the guy on the next farmers market stall to me on Saturday.

Him: I need to buy some avocados, keep an eye on my stall while I go over there.

Me: I don't think they'll have any as they sell local veg.

Him: yeah, I know but they're bound to have them.

Me: xxx, where do avocados come from? Clue, it's not the west country.

Him: oh...are they not from this country then?

I promise you he is an intelligent man.

Is Dorset in Devon? Said by DH when he'd just been on holiday to Devon and then a stag do in Dorset...

I don't get the panda thing, can someone please explain it to me. It's driving me mad trying to work it out.

pandamonium

that took so long! Think moan not mon!

Pandemonium. Panda-monium.

Took me a minute to be honest.

My DMil once told me that the wrap I was making for dds tea wasn't a proper tea. It was a flour tortilla with cheese and tomato. She said I should do her some cheese and tomato on toast, that would be better.

Thank you I get it now finally.

I literally worked out last week about tampax. They always leak, stupid things. I always use regular as I've not given birth etc, just had an epiphany in the nigh t about it .... So glad I'm not alone

Is Paris the capital of London?

I have a highly educated and very well-traveled friend who once pompously announced that Paris is further north than London.

He was surprised to be confronted by a group of faces looking at him like this

I can't tell you how pleased I am that some of you didn't get Panda Monium either. I shall show my mocking DD this thread with a smile

I have told these stories before on mumsnet, but they bear repeating.

We were in a teashop, near Sweetheart Abbey in Scotland, having lunch. Ds1, aged about 13, perused the menu carefully, and then, when the waitress came over, asked her, "What's in the beef sandwich, please?" He wasn't best pleased when she looked like this > and his loving family all fell around laughing, before saying, almost in unison, "Beef, you numpty!!" What he actually wanted to know was whether there was mustard or horseradish or salad in the sandwich.

To this day, a daft question asked by a member of the EvilWolef family, is known as a 'Beef Sandwich' question.

He managed another, aged about 15, when we arrived at a holiday cottage and he was helping to unpack the car. He came in carrying my pillow (I am a sensitive flower, and need to take my own pillow with me on holiday), and asked, "Where shall I put this, mum?" "In the bedroom, perhaps, love??!!"

Sdt

I was quite young (maybe about 7) and my mum had taken me out for a very posh restaurant for my birthday. I was very nervous, and desperately wanted to seem "grown up" so when the waiter asked me if I wanted a "super salad", I didn't question what I thought was an odd question, and just said, "Yes please!"

Cue the server laughing, along with my family. "No, no, no. Soup or salad."

I've just finished reading this thread and have chuckled my way through!

Very glad it has been elevated to Classics.

Good old MN.

My grandmother was a big fan of Hinge and Bracket (1970s/80s TV show featuring two retired lady opera singers). One Christmas she was staying with us and whispered to my mother in horror "someone said they were men !". Of course the whole point of Hinge and Bracket was that they were a genteel drag act.

A colleague was working in Paris for a while some years ago. She was attempting to buy a "carnet" of metro tickets and got into a heated argument with the chap in the ticket office who wouldn't sell her one. Her French wasn't good but she persisted with it and was loudly asking for, not "un carnet" but "un canard". Which means "a duck".

Many years ago we were driving around in the countryside, and spotted a cottage with a table of goods for sale outside. "Oh look, honey" said my mum, "They must keep bees!"

why is that funny MrsCosmo? :-/

My friend approached in the playground while we were chatting by another school mum whose child was in the same class as her twins. One of my favourite moments ever.

"I've always wondered, are your twins identical?"

"um....well one's a boy and one's a girl"

"I know that, but are they identical twins?"

"One is a boy. And the other one is a girl"

"Why do you keep saying that?! Are they identical or not?!"

"Identical means EXACTLY the same......"

"I KNOW!!! So. Are yours identical then?"

I have a candidate for this thread playing out on Facebook at this very moment.

My friend lives and works in a country that has a very small immigrant European population (less than 5%of the population). She posted a positive comment about how well she had been treated by government officials in relation to a particular thing and referred to the Brits in the country as an ethnic minority. A friend of hers commented in her post saying how he was "confused" by the reference to Brits/Europeans being an ethnic minority. He actually lives in that country too!

Do you think he just hasn't noticed that there are far more non-Europeans around, or does he think that 'ethnic minorities' only refer to people with brown skins who don't speak English?

bunda it was the tone of voice - as if it had only just dawned on her that honey came from bees. Really one of those 'you had to be there' moments.

JuiceOrtiz - I thought it was Dumbo