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Original poster

What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

267 replies

makemineamalibuandpineapple · 14/08/2013 22:34

I had been having a fling with a guy I had met online. He had come over and we had just DTD 5 times!! It was 3am and I was showing him out and he said "We'll touch base" Grin I thought, "I'm never going to see this man again". And guess what, 3 years later I still haven't. Thankfully I am now loved up with my lovely bf but that still makes me chuckle whenever I think about it.

OP posts:
50shadesofmeh · 16/08/2013 07:24

Jesus at fucking in Saris that's brilliant lol

BoffinMum · 16/08/2013 07:36

Imnot, the sort of level where out of the bedroom you'd go to A and E! Can't remember exactly, will surreptitiously inquire.

ElBombero · 16/08/2013 07:44

"I want this on the regular"

No joke.

Cocky bastard, needless to say I never saw him again.

JeanBodel · 16/08/2013 07:45

This is one for the geeks.

When I was a student I was into D & D games (that's Dungeons and Dragons).

One male member of the group apparently shouted, at the point of climax, 'Quad impale!'.

FrankSpenser · 16/08/2013 11:33

TwoStepsBeyond: [shock

FrankSpenser · 16/08/2013 11:33

Fuck!

TwoStepsBeyond · 16/08/2013 14:22

Don't worry, it was an accident Frank (when I say "ripped" I mean 'forced' IYSWIM!) and he was also my DH at the time, so not as bad as it could have been!

FrankSpenser · 16/08/2013 20:41

I'm happy to hear this, TwoSteps. All kinds of scenarios were running through my mind from your post.

I can relax now! Grin

eccentrica · 16/08/2013 21:44

I once had a bloke stop during sex so that he could give me a 'surprise'. Thought it might be a vibrator or something. He reappeared wearing a tiger mask...

mousebacon · 16/08/2013 22:08

That is awesome eccentrica Grin

UterusUterusGhali · 16/08/2013 22:27

"I spunked on the bible"

We were in a hotel and he'd pulled out to come. Grin

lackingimagination · 16/08/2013 23:08

DP once turned to me and said 'Did you..' and then stopped himself and looked away. I was confused and said 'what? Did I what?' And then he started laughing uncontrollably. He confessed he was about to say 'Did you put the bin out?' !! He had no idea where it had come from or why it had crossed his mind!

MrsWelly · 16/08/2013 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NachoAddict · 16/08/2013 23:21

Tiger mask wtf.

I may have to try that.

I was waiting anxiously to see if anyone had crossed paths with my old boss. Whilst having sec he would.say, who's the master.

MrsWelly · 16/08/2013 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImNotBloody14 · 16/08/2013 23:46

"I was waiting anxiously to see if anyone had crossed paths with my old boss. Whilst having sec he would.say, who's the master."

how do you know that? Grin

TeamSouthfields · 16/08/2013 23:48

I asked him 'is it in yet' and he said 'iv finished' .... Gods honest truth

Darkesteyes · 17/08/2013 01:17

Nice bit of slut shaming there Delboysfilofax Hmm

joanofarchitrave · 17/08/2013 01:39

Almost lost it @ tiger mask Grin

VonHerrBurton · 17/08/2013 02:59

Add me to the 'thank you' list!

Also had a 'lets get this little fucker in there shall we' followed quickly upon realisation by 'i mean big one, big fucker, lets get this big fucker in there' Jesus, just get on with it...

It was the smallest penis known to wo/man. Like a little finger. Eugh.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 17/08/2013 03:32

'Ron Dixon's got a new car'

Hmm
delboysfileofax · 17/08/2013 07:19

And how exactly is that "slut shaming" darkesteyes? So funny stories about males with regard to sex are just fine and dandy but we can't mention ones about females?

Pinkdaisy4 · 17/08/2013 07:20

Once a guy I was seeing asked if he could call me " mummy" while I was giving him head...wtaf?????????

I got dressed in record time and legged it!!!!

LEMisdisappointed · 17/08/2013 07:28

Delboy it was the description vof her as the sort of wonan that isn't hard to get into bed - just say one night stand

tanfastic · 17/08/2013 07:31

Jesus, some of these are making me howl Grin

Another one here with an ex who liked to say "clever girl", "good girl", "just turn around that way, there's a good girl". Confused. I'm not a fucking poodle you prick!

Fancied this guy for ages as well and went off him in about 20 seconds.