What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

[makemineamalibuandpineapple]

I had been having a fling with a guy I had met online. He had come over and we had just DTD 5 times!! It was 3am and I was showing him out and he said "We'll touch base" I thought, "I'm never going to see this man again". And guess what, 3 years later I still haven't. Thankfully I am now loved up with my lovely bf but that still makes me chuckle whenever I think about it.

[pocketsaviour]

I'm crying at some of these. Drink from my Fountain...

An ex once asked me to wear stockings while we were having sex. Sure, not exactly pushing the boundaries. After an average shag he collapsed next to me and said, "Thanks. You've made an old man very happy."

He was 27

My sister was dating a guy who was really into the whole goth lifestyle thing, and he was a virgin but she wasn't. After they had sex the first time, he looked down at her gently oozing and said, "The bathroom is first on the left. Cleanse yourself."

He also used to prepare himself for sleep by crossing his arms over his chest like he was in a coffin. What a knob.

[farewellfigure]

DH once called out 'I think I've found Nemo' at the crucial moment.

He used to say 'geronimo' as well, like in Red Dwarf. I think he quite enjoys entertaining me with interesting phrases right at the point of no return.

[plinkin]

Some of these are hilarious and I've been giggling stupidly whilst reading them out to my other half (who is now thinking up things he can do !)... I don't have any funny ones really but my ex tosser used to get straight into the shower to wash away the "evidence " each and every time. Most depressing . Thankfully, my current DP is much more wonderful.

[CundtBake]

I was seeing someone for a while who was huge in that department but struggled to last for more than a minute. He told me to 'don't make any noise at all or you'll make me come'

One guy I had a ONS of sorts with (I say of sorts because it was such a shambles I'm not convinced it counts as actual sex) waited til I left the next day, had just got to the bus stop near his house when he texted me saying he wasn't looking for anything serious as if I'd want to go back for more?!

One guy asked me to swallow his semen. In those exact words. Mood. Killed.

Another, when I was quite young. After some frankly awkward 'off beat' thrusts he asked me 'who's the daddy?' I burst out laughing. Definitely not you sweetheart.

[Thoughtfulduck]

"Dat ist gut yaaa?" He wasn't even German

[CarryOn90]

littletrees I'm laughing so much at that!!!!
a donkey ffs

[callamia]

"Are you going to ask me my name?"

In my defence, I did know - I'd heard one of his friends call him by his name. He was lovely, and I saw him a few times again. wistful for lost youth

[mrspremise]

"Aw, you're just like a camel...". First I pissed myself laughing, then I married him

[sourdrawers]

I slept with a bloke once who grunted "luvely" every time he thrusted. With an extra long, loud one at the end obviously.

[Ladyfoxglove]

An ex used to say "Oops" when he came. occasionally he'd go as far as to say "Oh dear."

He kept his eyes open when kissing too. Completely passion-free.

[scarffiend]

'I don't know why, but I find you really attractive!' From the possessor of the smallest penis I have ever encountered (when lying on my palm it barely made it far enough to stretch to the other side of the palm. And thin). At that point my school girl crush that had lasted 10+ years withered and died.

[Aoifebelle]

Oh forgot to say must be rendered in rural northern Irish accent for full effect.

[Aoifebelle]

A friend of a friend was at a hen do in Dublin. She pulled. Apparently the dude was a pleaser, started with some foreplay. She looks down as he was giving her oral pleasure and says " none of that mucking about now, just horse it in there". This is now a well used phrase as in "How much sugar do you want?" "Oh, just horse it in there". Shit laughing every time. Try it.

[YoureAShoe]

First time I ever dtd I was the second person he'd had sex with after a years break. Once we'd finished he said "it's not as good as I remember it"
He later apologised and said he meant it's nerve wracking the first time with someone and that he forgot the first time is never the best!
We're now engaged!

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

Not actually during sex but (rather optimistically) in the pub on a first date.

When we get home I want you to ride me like a rodeo cowboy. Look deep into my eyes and show me how much you want me.

Ermm yeehaw and adios

[BritishGal]

I had "Mmmm.....yeah......my spunk is really boiling now......" Once.

[YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo]

'I thought you were joking about this being your first time, that's why I answered my phone during' oh well that's alright then

[LittleAprilShowers]

Not after sex but regarding sex.

A few weeks ago I went down to the living room in the morning with DD, and switched TV on. babestation had been on (weird channel where naked women thrust at the camera while apparently speaking on the phone to dirty pervs). DH sometimes watches it on a night time, which I don't really mind as it means he isn't bothering me for sex lol and I have been known to like alone time too.

However on this occasion I asked him to change the channel before he came up to bed as I don't want DD seeing it in the morning.

We talked about it for a bit and he said he doesn't really wank to it but he likes to "watch it so he can get in a horny mood before he comes to have sex with me". His face dropped when he realised what he said, apparently he didn't mean it like that he just worded it wrong.

Twat is still paying for this mistake.

[Stellarpunk]

I was told this one by an old boss who ran a pub who was renowned for his practical jokes.

One night whilst him and his long married DW was in bed he started scratching himself before loudly proclaiming 'Gladys! Gladys! I think I've got crabs'. Before she could utter a word, she found a (thankfully) dead crab sailing towards her.

Made me laugh. She was a good sport.

[Anothermrssmith]

I have literally just choked with laughter! Actually a bit gutted I have nothing to add (though did once get 'condoms still up there' but that's nothing compared to some of these!)

[ilovemybum]

Not me but my best mate.

She had liked this older man for ages and they were always flirting with each other. This went on for years until she finally got the opportunity to take him home. They were DTD and he proudly says 'my penis is in you right now' she never looked at him in the same way!

[eden263]

Oh, and another one. Same ex said, after the 3rd or 4th time, 'That was better, I actually imagined I was doing it with you that time.'

Ouch!

[eden263]

Loving reading through all these. Have just remembered my own classic. I was 18 & had just DTD for the first time. He finished & I actually said 'was that it?' ROFL! We were together for 9 years & it never got any better either!

[ForwardSheCried]

One bloke I went out with, years before I met my fiance, used to scream ''ORGASM!!!!'' at me at regular intervals when we were at it. This was not a good way of getting me there on command, or at all, really.

Needless to say, that relationship didn't last long at all.