What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

[makemineamalibuandpineapple]

I had been having a fling with a guy I had met online. He had come over and we had just DTD 5 times!! It was 3am and I was showing him out and he said "We'll touch base" I thought, "I'm never going to see this man again". And guess what, 3 years later I still haven't. Thankfully I am now loved up with my lovely bf but that still makes me chuckle whenever I think about it.

[BritishGal]

I had "Mmmm.....yeah......my spunk is really boiling now......" Once.

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

Not actually during sex but (rather optimistically) in the pub on a first date.

When we get home I want you to ride me like a rodeo cowboy. Look deep into my eyes and show me how much you want me.

Ermm yeehaw and adios

[YoureAShoe]

First time I ever dtd I was the second person he'd had sex with after a years break. Once we'd finished he said "it's not as good as I remember it"
He later apologised and said he meant it's nerve wracking the first time with someone and that he forgot the first time is never the best!
We're now engaged!

[Aoifebelle]

A friend of a friend was at a hen do in Dublin. She pulled. Apparently the dude was a pleaser, started with some foreplay. She looks down as he was giving her oral pleasure and says " none of that mucking about now, just horse it in there". This is now a well used phrase as in "How much sugar do you want?" "Oh, just horse it in there". Shit laughing every time. Try it.

[Aoifebelle]

Oh forgot to say must be rendered in rural northern Irish accent for full effect.

[scarffiend]

'I don't know why, but I find you really attractive!' From the possessor of the smallest penis I have ever encountered (when lying on my palm it barely made it far enough to stretch to the other side of the palm. And thin). At that point my school girl crush that had lasted 10+ years withered and died.

[Ladyfoxglove]

An ex used to say "Oops" when he came. occasionally he'd go as far as to say "Oh dear."

He kept his eyes open when kissing too. Completely passion-free.

[sourdrawers]

I slept with a bloke once who grunted "luvely" every time he thrusted. With an extra long, loud one at the end obviously.

[mrspremise]

"Aw, you're just like a camel...". First I pissed myself laughing, then I married him

[callamia]

"Are you going to ask me my name?"

In my defence, I did know - I'd heard one of his friends call him by his name. He was lovely, and I saw him a few times again. wistful for lost youth

[CarryOn90]

littletrees I'm laughing so much at that!!!!
a donkey ffs

[Thoughtfulduck]

"Dat ist gut yaaa?" He wasn't even German

[CundtBake]

I was seeing someone for a while who was huge in that department but struggled to last for more than a minute. He told me to 'don't make any noise at all or you'll make me come'

One guy I had a ONS of sorts with (I say of sorts because it was such a shambles I'm not convinced it counts as actual sex) waited til I left the next day, had just got to the bus stop near his house when he texted me saying he wasn't looking for anything serious as if I'd want to go back for more?!

One guy asked me to swallow his semen. In those exact words. Mood. Killed.

Another, when I was quite young. After some frankly awkward 'off beat' thrusts he asked me 'who's the daddy?' I burst out laughing. Definitely not you sweetheart.

[plinkin]

Some of these are hilarious and I've been giggling stupidly whilst reading them out to my other half (who is now thinking up things he can do !)... I don't have any funny ones really but my ex tosser used to get straight into the shower to wash away the "evidence " each and every time. Most depressing . Thankfully, my current DP is much more wonderful.

[farewellfigure]

DH once called out 'I think I've found Nemo' at the crucial moment.

He used to say 'geronimo' as well, like in Red Dwarf. I think he quite enjoys entertaining me with interesting phrases right at the point of no return.

[pocketsaviour]

I'm crying at some of these. Drink from my Fountain...

An ex once asked me to wear stockings while we were having sex. Sure, not exactly pushing the boundaries. After an average shag he collapsed next to me and said, "Thanks. You've made an old man very happy."

He was 27

My sister was dating a guy who was really into the whole goth lifestyle thing, and he was a virgin but she wasn't. After they had sex the first time, he looked down at her gently oozing and said, "The bathroom is first on the left. Cleanse yourself."

He also used to prepare himself for sleep by crossing his arms over his chest like he was in a coffin. What a knob.