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Original poster

What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

267 replies

makemineamalibuandpineapple · 14/08/2013 22:34

I had been having a fling with a guy I had met online. He had come over and we had just DTD 5 times!! It was 3am and I was showing him out and he said "We'll touch base" Grin I thought, "I'm never going to see this man again". And guess what, 3 years later I still haven't. Thankfully I am now loved up with my lovely bf but that still makes me chuckle whenever I think about it.

OP posts:
Doodlecockaquack · 15/08/2013 12:51

I've My sister has had a cuppa and I'm she's still chuckling Sneaky. Grin It's a good few years on but it's very theraputic!

Some of these are Shock I do love my nice normal boring husband!

ImNotBloody14 · 15/08/2013 13:02

I think a lot of these are prime candidates for the "its ok not to talk" disclaimer Grin

50shadesofmeh · 15/08/2013 13:10

I once had sex with a guy who kept saying
"Big tits- big tits-big tits"
Made me feel nice and paranoid :-)

mirry2 · 15/08/2013 13:14

Whenever we started to dtd my ex would say 'I'm going to pump and pump until I squirt'. Eww...made me feel ill but I put up with it for a few weeks before telling him I really didn't like him saying it. Relationship didn't last very long. He also used to thank me, as if I was doing him a favour.

TrinityRhino · 15/08/2013 13:19

An ex used to say 'thankyou so much' and then 'I'm sorry'

I was his second sexual partner and he had zero confidence in anything at all

he also came in literally 15 secs of penetration so I'm guessing that is what the sorry was for

PennieLane · 15/08/2013 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ColinButterfly · 15/08/2013 13:41

pennielane Tell me he didn't include the line 'bass is kicking, drums is drumming, when you hear d-d-d- i'm coming'

That's just bonkers!

LazyFaire · 15/08/2013 14:00

I did get 'You're so tight' once, obviously meant to be a compliment, but I wasn't so much tight as dry as a bone... Foreplay had obviously never crossed his mind!

happyinherts · 15/08/2013 14:20

first time wicked sex with very attractive new partner - immediately upon doing the deed he says (recovering) "Crikey, you're the first I've had no feelings for"

If he had been 16 I wouldn't have minded. He was 51. Like an idiot I smiled sweetly and said it was fine. It wasn't. I could have burst nto tears but that's not dignified, so it got swept under carpet. Should have thrown his clothes out of window and told him to go and get them.

Relationship did not last - two years later he said "I've been talking out of (male appendage) and disppeared off the planet.

Sheshelob · 15/08/2013 14:21

"Interesting. It seems, when I squeeze your bottom, my penis gets hard, much like a pump."

It was like busting Mr Spock's virginity. And he wasn't even a virgin.

WitchyLeaks · 15/08/2013 14:28
theme. Great thread Grin
happygirl87 · 15/08/2013 17:05

I am loving these, esp fountain Grin I have a friend whose OH used to say "plug me in" at the start of DTD Confused.

DP and I have always talked about the scene in Bridget Jones' Diary, where Hugh Grant asks if it's true that Colin Firth always says at the crucial moment (in a v. poker faced manner) "I'm-sorry-but-I-think-I'm-going-to-come"- DP says he's going to try to do that, and I always say that if he's thinking of Hugh Grant at that point it's a sign that the relationship has run its course!

(Warning, poss. triggering) STBEx used to like to say "I'm raping you and giving you AIDs" as he came.....I was 16. So so so glad I'm with my lovely DP now, not him!

UnitedZingDom · 15/08/2013 17:06

Cake anyone?

CruCru · 15/08/2013 17:45

Not after sex but my ex used to ask me for a blowjob in a baby voice. That was gross.

Also, he would sort of tilt his pelvis towards my mouth in a hopeful manner. That was also gross.

Why on earth did I stay with him so long?

BoffinMum · 15/08/2013 18:18

I probably shouldn't share this, but once DP stopped, put a cloud pressure machine on for a laugh, and measured how high his BP went whilst subsequently climaxing. It went VERY high. I think that's probably something you can only do with a life partner really Grin

BoffinMum · 15/08/2013 18:18

Blood pressure

ImNotBloody14 · 15/08/2013 18:23

BOF! Grin that's brilliant- what was his BP?

ImNotBloody14 · 15/08/2013 18:24

whoops!! not BOF Blush boffinmum sorry!

PunkHedgehog · 15/08/2013 18:34

Note to self: get blood pressure machine

SnookyPooky · 15/08/2013 18:45

A beautiful Greek god, just getting hot and he says "Snooky I don't have plastic". He meant condom, bless....

WhoreOfTheWorlds · 15/08/2013 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoreOfTheWorlds · 15/08/2013 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KirjavaTheCat · 15/08/2013 18:56

OH once declared that "that was squelchy!" immediately after, once.

Urgh.

storminabuttercup · 15/08/2013 19:05

One guy I'd fancied since school, we met up when I was single and although I no longer liked him I decided to shag him anyway.

Afterwards he goes, do you wAnt a towel I keep one here just in case... Then pulled a hand towel from under his pillow.

We'd used a condom and I was as dry as a cream cracker as it lasted a minute? Confused

Mynewmoniker · 15/08/2013 19:06

Thanks WitchyLeaks for the Sooty theme tune. I was going mental there. Grin