What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

[makemineamalibuandpineapple]

I had been having a fling with a guy I had met online. He had come over and we had just DTD 5 times!! It was 3am and I was showing him out and he said "We'll touch base" I thought, "I'm never going to see this man again". And guess what, 3 years later I still haven't. Thankfully I am now loved up with my lovely bf but that still makes me chuckle whenever I think about it.

[Doodlecockaquack]

I've My sister has had a cuppa and I'm she's still chuckling Sneaky. It's a good few years on but it's very theraputic!

Some of these are I do love my nice normal boring husband!

[ImNotBloody14]

I think a lot of these are prime candidates for the "its ok not to talk" disclaimer

[50shadesofmeh]

I once had sex with a guy who kept saying
"Big tits- big tits-big tits"
Made me feel nice and paranoid :-)

[mirry2]

Whenever we started to dtd my ex would say 'I'm going to pump and pump until I squirt'. Eww...made me feel ill but I put up with it for a few weeks before telling him I really didn't like him saying it. Relationship didn't last very long. He also used to thank me, as if I was doing him a favour.

[TrinityRhino]

An ex used to say 'thankyou so much' and then 'I'm sorry'

I was his second sexual partner and he had zero confidence in anything at all

he also came in literally 15 secs of penetration so I'm guessing that is what the sorry was for

[ColinButterfly]

pennielane Tell me he didn't include the line 'bass is kicking, drums is drumming, when you hear d-d-d- i'm coming'

That's just bonkers!

[LazyFaire]

I did get 'You're so tight' once, obviously meant to be a compliment, but I wasn't so much tight as dry as a bone... Foreplay had obviously never crossed his mind!

[happyinherts]

first time wicked sex with very attractive new partner - immediately upon doing the deed he says (recovering) "Crikey, you're the first I've had no feelings for"

If he had been 16 I wouldn't have minded. He was 51. Like an idiot I smiled sweetly and said it was fine. It wasn't. I could have burst nto tears but that's not dignified, so it got swept under carpet. Should have thrown his clothes out of window and told him to go and get them.

Relationship did not last - two years later he said "I've been talking out of (male appendage) and disppeared off the planet.

[Sheshelob]

"Interesting. It seems, when I squeeze your bottom, my penis gets hard, much like a pump."

It was like busting Mr Spock's virginity. And he wasn't even a virgin.

[WitchyLeaks]

theme. Great thread

[happygirl87]

I am loving these, esp fountain I have a friend whose OH used to say "plug me in" at the start of DTD .

DP and I have always talked about the scene in Bridget Jones' Diary, where Hugh Grant asks if it's true that Colin Firth always says at the crucial moment (in a v. poker faced manner) "I'm-sorry-but-I-think-I'm-going-to-come"- DP says he's going to try to do that, and I always say that if he's thinking of Hugh Grant at that point it's a sign that the relationship has run its course!

(Warning, poss. triggering) STBEx used to like to say "I'm raping you and giving you AIDs" as he came.....I was 16. So so so glad I'm with my lovely DP now, not him!

[UnitedZingDom]

anyone?

[CruCru]

Not after sex but my ex used to ask me for a blowjob in a baby voice. That was gross.

Also, he would sort of tilt his pelvis towards my mouth in a hopeful manner. That was also gross.

Why on earth did I stay with him so long?

[BoffinMum]

I probably shouldn't share this, but once DP stopped, put a cloud pressure machine on for a laugh, and measured how high his BP went whilst subsequently climaxing. It went VERY high. I think that's probably something you can only do with a life partner really

[BoffinMum]

Blood pressure

[ImNotBloody14]

BOF! that's brilliant- what was his BP?

[ImNotBloody14]

whoops!! not BOF boffinmum sorry!

[PunkHedgehog]

Note to self: get blood pressure machine

[SnookyPooky]

A beautiful Greek god, just getting hot and he says "Snooky I don't have plastic". He meant condom, bless....

[KirjavaTheCat]

OH once declared that "that was squelchy!" immediately after, once.

Urgh.

[storminabuttercup]

One guy I'd fancied since school, we met up when I was single and although I no longer liked him I decided to shag him anyway.

Afterwards he goes, do you wAnt a towel I keep one here just in case... Then pulled a hand towel from under his pillow.

We'd used a condom and I was as dry as a cream cracker as it lasted a minute?

[Mynewmoniker]

Thanks WitchyLeaks for the Sooty theme tune. I was going mental there.