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Original poster

What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

267 replies

makemineamalibuandpineapple · 14/08/2013 22:34

I had been having a fling with a guy I had met online. He had come over and we had just DTD 5 times!! It was 3am and I was showing him out and he said "We'll touch base" Grin I thought, "I'm never going to see this man again". And guess what, 3 years later I still haven't. Thankfully I am now loved up with my lovely bf but that still makes me chuckle whenever I think about it.

OP posts:
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/08/2013 19:25

This thread is brilliant.

My Aunt (who'd been separated from EXH for about 10 yrs) got drunk one night and slept with her friend's brother. She said just as they were getting down to it he declared "I'M GONNA RIP YOU A NEW PUSSY !" She somehow managed to keep a straight face and left shortly afterwards - pussy intact....

When DH and I were just dating, he turned up on my doorstep very early one Sunday morning apparently still drunk. We went upstairs but he seemed very weird and kept on asking me to bite his cock as I was giving him a bj. "Bite it ! Bite it! Harder !" he was shouting as I munched away like a starving dog on a tin of Chum. Then as he came he declared "SUUUUUPPPPPEEERRRRBBBBBBB!"

Turned out one of the fucking clowns he was out with decided it would be funny to put an E in his beer.....

MissStrawberry · 15/08/2013 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SneakyNuts · 15/08/2013 19:35

"like a starving dog on a tin of Chum"

I can't breathe!!!

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 15/08/2013 20:13

My lovely ex used to say, "Don't speak and don't touch me, I need to concentrate" Hmm

And my all time favourite - when we first had sex, it would appear I don't have porn perfect bits or summat - "Are you sure you haven't had a sex change?"

Yes I am actually. I am very sure. Twunt.

Pixielady83 · 15/08/2013 20:46

An ex, responding to my confusion about what on earth he was doing, 'let's just see what hole it goes in shall we?'

I said, er, let's just stick to the usual shall we? I was young and eager to please so apologised afterwards. Now I wish I had slapped the fecker and dumped him there and then.

Dontlookbehindyou · 15/08/2013 20:48

I've just remembered a couple of comments that are so ingrained into our sex life that I don't even notice them.
"Don't move" and afterwards "did you come" I'm pretty sure he would've known if I had and to be blunt I can count on one hand the amount of times I have done, I always just say "mmm yes lots" I've given up on him lol, good job I love him.

KatieScarlett2833 · 15/08/2013 21:00

Chum woman, Sooty, Fountain dude, I am crying with laughter, crying GrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

StillPukin · 15/08/2013 21:05

DH: Reaches under the bed and pulls out a gadget...... "Put your thumbs on this bit here and let me check your body fat measurement"

(Notice he waited until afterwards)

ggrrrr...!! Hmm

thingamajig · 15/08/2013 21:11

After having sex, he asked me, "Have you ever done this before?"

Erm, yes... Admittedly only once, but I have.

WITH YOU!

LozzaCro · 15/08/2013 21:11

Cant breathe here!! Some of these are fantastic. Actually sad that I am on the last page!

No where hear as good but my ex used to talk ALOT and expect lots of dirty talk back. I soon found out that whispering in his ear managed to get him to complete within about 30 seconds. I once whispered;
'Hurry the fuck up you dirty basta...'
'Eurrrrghhhhh. That was amazing.'

Didn't last long. Much like the sex.

LottieJenkins · 15/08/2013 21:42

Bumbledog has been giving me very funny looks as I keep laughing.
The cat farting one made me laugh most of all!!!

JaffaMyCake · 15/08/2013 21:47

"Take the cream" whilst coming. Hmm

delboysfileofax · 15/08/2013 22:00

A friend of mine took home the sort of women it doesn't take work to get into bed if you see what I mean,
after they had finished, she laughed and said "well how was your first threesome?" obviously he was confused, until she told him she was pregnant so technically it was a threesome! Shock

Alconleigh · 15/08/2013 22:03

had a scorching hot although inappropriate one nighter when recently out of long term relationship. Afterthe deed, he declared "I thought that would be shit as you said you've only had sex with one person in the last 7 years, but it was excellent, well done".
To be fair I roared, but still not clear why he thought one partner in the last few years Would mean no skills.

LazyFaire · 15/08/2013 22:05

OMG

Possibly the worst thing ever to admit...

at a friends house age 16, sleeping on floor with DP and everyone was asleep on various sofas around us... trying very hard to be quiet...

Friend Shock says "You're not doing it right, she's not screaming."

Definite mood killer. Blush

ImNotBloody14 · 15/08/2013 22:27

my best friend had sex (well, that was what he called it) with a man that lasted literally ten seconds, then he rolled over and in shock she started to get dressed to leave and he said "alright, my man's ready to go again. will you suck us off?" she said she burst out laughing and walked out.

mummytowillow · 15/08/2013 22:35

A fling whilst removing the condom, dangled it close to my face and said 'fucking hell look how much jis is in there, my balls must have been full'! Confused

Absolute charmer!

bootsycollins · 15/08/2013 23:59

Alcon you didn't shag Alan Partridge did you? Grin

Arf at the NASA style countdown Grin

DIddled · 16/08/2013 00:13

I have had a few wees with laughter here. I can't claim that many of my own other than on a related subject a bloke I once had a ONS with told his mate that during the act I said he had ' a lovely knob'!! The mere mention of that phrase still has me and my mates in fits- 20 years on. My friend can claim 'Good girl' which someone else has already mentioned but what about ' you will never understand the miracle that you truly are' - all I can say is she must have been good :)

DIddled · 16/08/2013 00:14

I should mention that ' a lovely knob' is a phrase that would never pass my lips!!

DIddled · 16/08/2013 00:18

Jesus just read the Sooty post- I used to love that show but I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to watch it again!!!!

Junebugjr · 16/08/2013 00:37

I've laughed and laughed at these, can't believe how many weirdos there are out there.

I once pulled an absolute beauty, everyone fancied him although strangely he'd never had a long term or even short term girlfriend..... After a suitable amount of time, in order to seem like a 'nice girl', I decided to sleep with him. After a brief snog, he went straight into boring tiresome shagging, then proceeded to lick my ear during the whole thing while whispering in my ear 'Pretend its your fanny'.... After the hundredth time of having this muttered to me, I ended up in hysterics, and had to leave him high and dry so to speak. Obviously being 19, I told all my friends, and we all had a jolly old summer taking the piss.

Alisvolatpropiis · 16/08/2013 00:43

After having sex for the time the boy in question dropped me home. I received a text "I'm getting back with my ex so it's probably best you don't contact me for a while" about 5 minutes after I'd got in the house. I handled it quite well given the circumstances. I didn't reply not speak to him for around 2 years.

Another ex told me after I'd spent a thankless half hour giving him a blow job "next time don't over complicate it,let me do the work". So basically he wanted to fuck my face. It was one of many nails in the coffin of that short lived relationship.

TwoStepsBeyond · 16/08/2013 00:46

"These condoms aren't bad, you can hardly tell you're wearing them". Needless to say, by that point he wasn't, having ripped a big hole in the end. 9 months later, DS1 arrived.

GiddyStars · 16/08/2013 07:15

These had me in absolute stitches last night, I woke DH up because I was shaking the bed with mirth will never be able to hear the word fountain in an innocent situation again

I'll stick to funny ones rather than worst as this is a such a hilarious thread.

I've had 'thank you' and 'good girl' a lot. Also there was the guy who would take AN AGE removing and folding his clothes before sex. He would go and find spare hangers in my wardrobe and actually hang his clothes up in there (we were casual) but honestly, I had nearly gone off it by the time he was ready. He would also enquire if I had managed to 'squeeze an orgasm out yet?' which I though was a bit Hmm no mate you'd be able to tell He said say I was divine though

I was giving a BJ to another and he kept instructing 'suck' and 'wank' alternately. Now I don't mind some helpful pointers but this was literally the entire time, I ended up feeling like some kind of nodding dog / puppet.

The funniest was a bloke who was too old to be so fond of a few lines of coke with his sex. I can only assume this drug addled state is what encouraged him to whisper '"I will take you travelling to India and we will fuck wearing nothing but sari's" in what he must have thought was a seductive manner. I was Hmm and Grin He told me that night (the first time we dtd) that he loved me too! I only shagged him once more.

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