What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

[makemineamalibuandpineapple]

I had been having a fling with a guy I had met online. He had come over and we had just DTD 5 times!! It was 3am and I was showing him out and he said "We'll touch base" I thought, "I'm never going to see this man again". And guess what, 3 years later I still haven't. Thankfully I am now loved up with my lovely bf but that still makes me chuckle whenever I think about it.

[RippingYarns]

An ex said 'thank you, that was lovely' and then go on to explain how he used to be self conscious over the size of his penis but since he'd been able to father 2 children (neither with me) then it couldn't be so small after all.

Like I said.

Ex

[Groovee]

The first time I slept with dh, he asked me how it had been! Well it had been a bit wham bam thank you mam for me! So I said "Pretty crap!" The poor man hunched over gutted as he'd not had much experience bar one girl who was happy for wham bam thank you man.

Thankfully 16 years on, he was very open to learning and it's pretty good now

[SneakyNuts]

Also, "you're the most attractive woman I've ever slept with"
Whilst I'm laying there in a sweaty, post-coital heap.

Another (I appreciate I sound like a bike)- after finishing, this bloke picked up his ringing phone to two giggling 18yr olds and told them all about what we'd just done....followed with, "yeah it was alright actually"

[LeGavrOrf]

"What's the score on tea?"

As in what are you cooking for my dinner?

I was with that twat for 7 years.

[AppleYumYum]

From an ex after dtd and noticing in the dark a big dark patch on the sheets "It's not a wet patch, it's a blood bath" - discovered I had cervical erosion afterwards, was not pretty, I was mortified!

[enialenagem]

'Actually I don't think we should get back together' - he was a dick

[maras2]

Not so much what he said but what DH hummed.After the usual tongue and finger mallarkey,I said that I'd read that humming against the clitoris was 'a sensation like no other'.This was 1969 and no R.Rabbits invented.DH,then aged 19 and up for anything gets right down to it and proceeds to loudly hum the tune to the Sooty show against said clitoris.He was most put out when I squealed and laughed somewhat hysterically and his mum wanted to Know why so much noise when we were playing Monopoly.44 years on,it's still Our Tune.

[SouthernComforts]

Wow - that's one for the wank bank!

[Cockadoodlemoo]

"Not bad, but it wasn't that tight for a virgin"
Part of me wishes I could relive that moment (after, not the actual terrible just-about-sex), as I think I could muster a better response now than just gauping after him in stunned silence as he left.

Another namechange coming right on....

[SneakyNuts]

Cock

I misread "gauping after him"...

[Cockadoodlemoo]

BAHAHAHA!

Thanks Sneaky. I think you might've forever changed the memory of that awful night into something which makes me laugh rather than mentally slap myself.

If I wasn't going to namechange before....

[NoSplashNoGash]

DYING @ fountain!

Before one of my exes started to go down on me he would spend about 10 minutes kissing up my thigh... And in between each kiss he'd give me some kind of compliment...

Kiss.. Gorgeous.. Kiss.. Beautiful.. Kiss.. Amazing..

Oh and he'd look up at me and smile, I found it so cringey!

Same guy would refer to oral sex as a "widdle kiss" as in "pwease can I have one? Just one little widdle kiss?" Uggghhhhhh!

[FlankShaftMcWap]

DH once turned to me immediately after dtd and said "thank you farmers wife" a la Jonny Rotten in the country life butter advert
He also got halfway through yelling "I am Megatron leader of the..." before I whalloped him on the arse and gave him the look.
I loves my dude I does

[GhettoFabulous]

"I need to buy a sponge." Just a random thought that popped into his head, apparently.

[RippingYarns]

[Mynewmoniker]

OHHHHHH!!!! I can't remember the sooty music! How did it go now?

[YoniBottsBumgina]

Thanks is always eurgh. I had a thing with this guy once who always said thank you and I had to tell him to stop it because it made me feel like I was doing him a favour! I'm not entirely sure but I think I might have had to train DP out of this habit too...

[SneakyNuts]

You're welcome Cock even abbreviating your name is making me chuckle, time for a coffee I think!

[Sayitdontsprayit]

Being slapped on the ass and being called a bad boy! ROFL, however, it was hilarious. He was mortified.

[Nancy66]

Drink from my fountain is the best....

Not after sex but during: 'Call me "daddy" '

I didn't and we never saw each other again. Shudder.

[UnitedZingDom]

may mention pre-sex phrases? my DH does invite me sometimes by saying :" do you want some babygravy?"
so romantic. I tend to decline.

[Chopsypie]

'Do you mind if I fart?'

Ladies, I married him

[OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly]

Something I said that became a regular occurence for sex with ex.

He was very into trucks/lorries (family members were lorry drivers) and in convo one night in the pub I said "Bet you'd like to yell out 'Scania' at the erm...peak moment" and we giggled.

Of course that night, after drunken DTD, I yelled out "Scania" (marque of truck) and we collapsed laughing. And every time after that, he yelled it out.

We didn't stay together very long after thatn (not related) but I wonder did he yell it out with subsequent gfs? Can you imagine that happening with no warning?!

[HeirToTheIronThrone]

My friend once had a guy who did a NASA-style countdown to when he was going to come. Every time...

[UnitedZingDom]

heir now that is my favourite!