What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

[makemineamalibuandpineapple]

I had been having a fling with a guy I had met online. He had come over and we had just DTD 5 times!! It was 3am and I was showing him out and he said "We'll touch base" I thought, "I'm never going to see this man again". And guess what, 3 years later I still haven't. Thankfully I am now loved up with my lovely bf but that still makes me chuckle whenever I think about it.

[KingJoffrey]

"Not bad, I'd give it a solid 8.5/10"

WTAF

[Darkesteyes]

My ex OM said "Its coming its coming. I cant stop it. EVERY single time he came.

I think i want him back

[Sparklysilversequins]

IMMEDIATELY after it finished he said "you do know I only did this to get back at my ex don't you so it won't be happening again"

[Mynewmoniker]

Was he a mute Chibbs?

[Darkesteyes]

Sparkly.....what a git.

[KingJoffrey]

I'm female btw, in spite of my name. And yes he was talking about my vagina

[UnitedZingDom]

"that's it, I can't do this again, this baby better come out soon!" said DH when I was 9 days overdue and we'd just had sex after sweep!

(baby was born the same day, so it worked)

[Sparklysilversequins]

I was very upset at the time, it was just so unnecessary. However I knew his ex vaguely and when out one night ran into her and told her what he had said. She was disgusted by him and really sorry for me and refused to ever speak to him again. She and I became very good friends actually.

[TheMagicKeyCanFuckOff]

He was marking you on your vagina KingJoffrey? Woah. It would be rude but slightly more understandable to mark the whole sex thing overall, but to mark a piece of your anatomy?!

[Secretswitch]

Oh God can you feel me pumping you full of my love?
Why yes..yes I can..
What else could I possibly have said?

[AnotherStitchInTime]

Worst thing: "If only you were black"

Post-coital racism is always a turn off I find.

[differentnameforthis]

Worst - I'll leave the money on the table in the morning (was late at night)

This was dh, for some reason after the deed, he realised that he hadn't given me the money he took out the bank for me on his way home from work, and choose that moment to tell me where he would leave it.

[MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges]

kinNora What, are you a velociraptor or something?

[livinginwonderland]

Some of these are brilliant.

I once slept with someone who answered the phone to his MOTHER about five seconds after we'd had sex and had a fifteen minute conversation with her

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

Im still in bed and lolling at some of these .

The fountain and donkey shrek voice men are cracking!!

[NutritiousAndDelicious]

'It's alright, don't say thank you'

It's alright mate, I wasn't going to

[antsypants]

Technically it was before, but ons said (whilst undoing his jeans) "don't be intimidated" ... I wasn't

[TallulahBetty]

Crying at "drink from my fountain"

[bootsycollins]

Remember that 90's song that goes "whoop there it is". My friend announced this post shag over a decade ago and is still cringing

I like saying "Finish him" in a Street Fighter voice and "Thar she blows" in a pirate voice.

[Titsalinabumsquash]

This will out me totally be I cba to name change.

My now DP once (while wearing a glow in the dark condom) sang a Starwars parody of American Pie to me while dtd. I found it fucking hilarious.

He's also had mid sex dancing session to 'sexy and I know it' when my phone started to ring with that song.

I

[WandaDoff]

Actually LOLing at some of these

[BinksToEnlightenment]

Once, during - DURING - sex, the guy stopped, sniffed the air and then announced "I think the cat just farted."

[ArtisanLentilWeaver]

I had a lovely, very Withnail type friend who once staggered in demanding gin after suffering "A serious case of Post Coital Revulsion".

I think his ONS bed partner had asked to marry him.

[Dontlookbehindyou]

Some gems I've had was, "thanks" "oh god I'm sorry it was your fault coz you're so sexy" (I'm not and its not my fail he lasted one pump) "you had better be pregnant this time I can't be bothered to do this again and again all the time", when attempting to manually finish me off "go on, do it for me, do it" repeatedly whispered in my ear every.fucking.time!
Yep you guessed it its all Dh lol when i used to visit him at his mums and when we lived with her immediately after sex he would get up go to the toilet and then go and have a chat with her, leaving me sat alone (usually to finish his half assed job) in the end I told him it was fucking creepy!

I slept with a guy once who on every stroke said "thank you" another who immediately got up and without a word passed me my clothes and locked himself in the bathroom, I just got dressed and left rather confused. Another who on the last stroke said "please don't tell my wife" sorry? THAT'S when you decide to tell me you're married!
One night stand who said after "you don't mind that I took the condom off half way through do you? I didn't like it" yes I did mind! Had to get the morning after pill, despite my moral objection and had to endure the humiliation of asking the gp to test for stds (all clear) he couldn't understand why it'd be a problem, apparently he often did it.
Oh and the guy who made monkey noises the whole way through sounded like he was dipping it in boiling water!

Now I sound like The village bike lol