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Original poster

What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

267 replies

makemineamalibuandpineapple · 14/08/2013 22:34

I had been having a fling with a guy I had met online. He had come over and we had just DTD 5 times!! It was 3am and I was showing him out and he said "We'll touch base" Grin I thought, "I'm never going to see this man again". And guess what, 3 years later I still haven't. Thankfully I am now loved up with my lovely bf but that still makes me chuckle whenever I think about it.

OP posts:
YouStayClassySanDiego · 15/08/2013 08:40

Titsalina Grin

Dontlookbehindyou · 15/08/2013 08:41

No one could possibly have serious sex with a glow in the dark condom? It's like shagging a light sabre and means that Dh spends the part of sex that should be forplay waving his cock round in the dark making the light sabre noise, kind of kills the mood! I married a nerd lol

LEMisdisappointed · 15/08/2013 08:45

After I told DP i was pregnant we DTD to, err, "celebrate" - He got up did some sort of iron man pose and said "i'm a man" Hmm he was 40!

CerealMom · 15/08/2013 08:48

When I was at uni in halls of residence there was a guy who liked to shout "you bitch" repeatedly as he came. Kind of killed my mood. Also, he liked to call round on the off chance, with condom in-situ...

Penniepitstop · 15/08/2013 08:48

After the first time we had sex " I don't think we should see each other again". Fifteen years on we are still together and have been happily married for 9 Grin

ducklady · 15/08/2013 08:54

" what was your name again?" .
I married the knobber for 13 years

bonzo77 · 15/08/2013 08:54

Thank you. Said by one ex after every shag. Pathetic.

But actually lots of men have said thank you. WTF is that? (Ignores fact that I've just admitted to sleeping with lots of men). I don't think I do anything that special, except put out pretty easily!

WidowWadman · 15/08/2013 08:58

"I don't know about you, but I'm done, so I'm off to have a shower because my mate's coming over in 20 minutes. Here's one of my t-shirts you can use as a wank-aid, because it smells of me".

I'm still cringing 16 years later and frankly don't understand why I didn't kick him in the balls.

BoffinMum · 15/08/2013 08:58

It's the complete arrogance of some of these that makes the mind boggle.

If only they knew how much better sex was for women ... Grin

Chubfuddler · 15/08/2013 09:00

Lots of men say thank you because they've grown up in a culture which tells them sex is something a man does to a woman, and ergo you have let me do this "to" you rather than it being something you did together.

It's the while women as gatekeepers thing at play and it depresses me

(Sorry to be serious on funny thread)

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform · 15/08/2013 09:17

A friend told me once, crying with laughter, about the chap who called out "Mummy, mummy" as he came.

I don't have any stories of my own to share, but thought that one was threadworthy.

vintagecakeisstillnice · 15/08/2013 09:20

drink from my fountain

Hysterical...................

ColinButterfly · 15/08/2013 09:28

Ah I'm in the mood for humiliating my EA ex so here goes...

Pre climax 'make it cry'
'Mummy'
Requests to bark at him

Pudden · 15/08/2013 09:28

my ex who dashed out of bed after manually ..errr.. 'finishing' me off, saying "yuk!...I'm just going to wash this slime off my hands"

Git!

Dontlookbehindyou · 15/08/2013 09:31

I once had a boyfriend when I was a teenage who finished, got up and wiped his cock on His bedroom curtains!
He was an ex immediately after!

Peachyjustpeachy · 15/08/2013 09:39

I was on holiday and was 'romanced' by a waiter. I was with my friend and Enrique helpfully lined all the other waiters up so my friend could choose which one she wanted to share!Shock

Then he got the keys to another apartment and we all went in. I said I didn't want to have sex because I was scared of getting pregnant.

He helpfully told me I could go to London for an abortioni......

To my shame I then shagged him....i have much more self respect now....but I'm guessing he could see what I was then Sad

Longdistance · 15/08/2013 09:41

I was told ' you're the biggest woman I've ever been with' I cordially dumped him soon after. shallow bastard

Fozziebearmum2be · 15/08/2013 09:42

Bedroom curtains!! That's unbelievable! Blush

ColinButterfly · 15/08/2013 09:46

The actual funniest thing I laughed WITH rather than AT came from a woman.

EA ex wanted a threesome with me and a friend of ours. We were all up for it. The ex bottled it and we broke up not long after. Slept with the woman anyway. 'Well. That was better than with a man wanking in the corner'. Indeed.

Souredstones · 15/08/2013 09:47

I had an ex who would roll over while saying "are you alright? Yeah? Cool" and promptly falling asleep before I could even answer and say "well actually you're shit"

I had another ex who, whilst I was giving him a bj, started moaning his best friends name...I stopped and walked out and left him to finish himself off and didn't go back. Which was a bit rude but I was young and, well, had the wrong anatomy clearly!!

MikeOxard · 15/08/2013 09:52

Ew these stories make me never want to have sex again!

mignonette · 15/08/2013 09:54

University partner who grasped the back of my head whilst rasping in his sex-voice "Kiss the boy, Kiss the boy"

No there was not a small child under the covers....

MikeOxard · 15/08/2013 09:55

I can't remember anything really bad - I have been proposed to a couple of times afterwards though.

Fairyloo · 15/08/2013 09:57

Milk it baby

bulletwithbutterflywings · 15/08/2013 09:58

A friend of mine had a boyfriend who would shout "'Ave it!" When he came...