What's the most barking thing you've witnessed at a mum's group?

[Berts]

Not just the usual competitive, Stepford Mommies rubbish, but real 'back away now, slowly' stuff.

Mine was when one of the babies, ten months old fell over and banged his head. His mum picked him up to give him a cuddle (of course) but, when he didn't stop crying pretty quickly she stands him on her lap, looks him in the eye and starts barking: "Man up! Come on, Man up!"

Barking being the operative word...

Also whenever i used to take the kids to the local.playbarn there was always,always a mother who had to crawl round the ballpool climbing area and ladder ONLY FOR UNDER EIGHTs incase her toddler got in to trouble. And these mothers usually had massive wide arses that could squash a toddler to death.

This thread has made me laugh so much. I'm getting strange looks
!

Trying to explain to a 3 year old that his imaginary spade is as big as his friend's was a new one on me

Thankyou everyone for the funny stories! The burka, tortoise and spade are just classic!

*turtle boy not tortoise :)

The imaginery spade is pure genius. I love that child! What an imagination!

The Vicar conga and double helix potato has me crying with laughter
You'd have ti be a pretty skilled carver to get a double helix print in one surely

I may have been the nutter with a bath thermometer before getting into the swimming pool.....

Reason being is that the pool/gym had been taken over and the previously lovely pool had suddenly become absolutely freezing - but the gym insisted it was still the same 28 degrees previously.

So I took the temperature and it was bloody 18 degrees! No wonder DD could no longer last 30mins in the water before turning blue....

Love this thread - especially Baiji's queue desperately wishing their babies were all called Tom.

I wasn't brave enough to go to any groups and parent in front of other people who might be judgey!

But also because I went to a breastfeeding support group and sat by this woman who I vaguely knew of - her partner knew my partner via work - and she didn't recognise me but that's ok, and she told me all about craniosacral manipulation (have I got that right), and how it had transformed her child (for about 40 minutes).

Week later, back I went, ended up sat next to same woman - and she told me all about craniosacral manipulation and how it had transformed her child (for about 40 minutes).

I was just mortified I didn't know how to stop her, and totally mortified that I was so unmemorable. And I stopped going to groups -wish I hadn't now!

I'm still laughing at "mental naked elf!"

genius!

I've finally remembered one!

At the end of the playgroup I have gone to for 10 years (and now run!) there is an optional story and song session in an adjoining room. It is usually a nice little children's bible story (church playgroup) and a couple of kids bible songs with instruments. The story is usually something harmless like Martha and Mary, Jonah and the whale etc, nothing too heavy and has been very popular with the parents and kids.

The curates wife offered to join the rota to do "See and Know" (as it's called), and on her first time she did the story of the plagues of Egypt. As she went into great detail on each plague, she was holding up a large printout to illustrate each one as she told the story. So, pictures of locusts, frogs, gnats, thunderstorms, and darkness (this was just a black piece of paper

She got to the plague of blood. I can still see the looks of horror on the other parents and (worried confusion on the childrens) faces as clearly as if it were yesterday. In a booming theatrical voice she described the GREAT RIVERS OF BLOOOOD in great detail. She seemed to keep repeating the BLOOOOOD bit a lot. All while she was flapping a blood red piece of a4 paper.

Everyone seemed frozen like this , and as she was about to move on to the firstborn sacrifices the usual leader who was sat with her unfroze quickly and said, "then all the people said sorry to God and everything was all okay now lets get the instruments out" (without even pausing for breath)

I still wonder what that printout would have had on it

It is our playgroup legend. We would joke for months afterward what she would do as an encore for Easter (They got these GREAT BIG NAILS and a GREAT BIG HAMMER......)

We have a different curate now, his wife is lovely

Seriously, think Brian Blessed for those bits in capitals. And the children were aged from newborn to 3

Mine is at a soft play so I hope it counts...
A boy a year or two older than my 2yo ds pushed him over, trod on his fingers and whilst he was on the floor crying, kicked him.
I was across the other side of the room and could see it happening but couldn't get there fast enough.
When I did I shouted at the kid to get off and another dad came over and said he had just done the same to his dd.
I saw red. I said to the boy 'where is your mother?' and to my surprise he took me over to her.
When i got there she was massive and really rough looking and sitting with three other rough looking mums! I told her what he had done to ds and the other child and she barely batted an eyelid and said "say sorry"
That was it, he went off back to the soft play.
I was livid but more scared she might beat me up if I said anything else. Seriously though, say sorry!??!
I would have taken my kid straight home but then he would never behave like that....grr.

Rainbow - wasn't you as the mother deemed the water acceptable and got in. She did a lot of vigorous dunking which the baby spluttered his way through but was obviously used to!

I love the imaginary spade!

I spoke to a parent at toddlers, because her child was snatching, hitting, pushing, etc, etc and she said, "I've been told to ignore it". I asked if it was OK if I told him "no", but apparently that wasn't acceptable either. I spent the rest of the morning trying to place myself between him and my children, to protect them!

don't know what category this mum is, but when DS4 was born we had the following conversation

mum: so you had your baby then?
me: yes
mum: and what did you have?
me : another boy! (proudly grinning..)
mum: oh what a shame, a girl would have been nice!

cue me gasping for air.....

Hello all
Thanks for all the nominations for classics, we have moved this now but also changed the title so that the thread remains within our guidelines.

MNHQ

panpipes and the invisisble spade

excellent, funniest thread I've seen in ages

The giant, robotic, black tortoise story had my crying with laughter. Great one.

Nothing to contribute unfortunately.

I was asked "ohmaigawsh, what did the hospital SAY?" when I was breathlessly recouting that morning's horror when I accidentally let the toddler eat a dog poo.

Ehm, yes, lady...."help, I've let my son eat crap" "well, that's not really a matter for A+E, 5 fruit and veg, not too much juice..." "no, no, you don't understand I've let him eat a jobbie!"

Nope, humiliated enough as it is, thanks for your suggestion, Oh beautifully co-ordinated and quaffed one.

I just had one happen to me just now!!!! Although not at a playgroup so maybe not allowed- just took DS2 (he's 2.4) to A&E and it was rammed. We were sat very close to a lady and her friend.
They were talking very loudly about various inappropriate things. DS2 was snuggled in falling asleep as it was way past bedtime. The lady glanced at him, did a double take, then started singing loudly about ten cm from DS's face in a kind of falsetto operatic style 'lullaby baby..tra la laaaaa'. When she finished she turned to her friend and said 'I used to be in the front row of the choir you know.'

This thread has inspired me to join up to my local group. I hope I have a n eventful time :)

Hope everything's okay peachypips

Yes fine- bronchiolitis Mach 3. Thanks for asking!!