What's the most barking thing you've witnessed at a mum's group?

[Berts]

Not just the usual competitive, Stepford Mommies rubbish, but real 'back away now, slowly' stuff.

Mine was when one of the babies, ten months old fell over and banged his head. His mum picked him up to give him a cuddle (of course) but, when he didn't stop crying pretty quickly she stands him on her lap, looks him in the eye and starts barking: "Man up! Come on, Man up!"

Barking being the operative word...

"woo merchant" is just a word for people who peddle stuff that has absolutely no evidence backing it up at all- so placenta capsules, homeopathy, amber necklaces etc.

I can sort of understand eating a fresh placenta, although I imagine that most people have access to more appetising forms of nutrition so it wouldnt be necessary, but drying it out into a capsule??

It took them ages to do the slide

That's the kind of entertainment I like in my playground

Not a thread to read while BFing a grumpy baby - he's very indignant each time I laugh!

We were at a HV clinic/ playgroup when DD, now 3, was a baby. She was just commando crawling and must have been about 8 months. Using immense effort, she dragged herself over the church hall floor to investigate the HV's rather impressive sparkly sandals. As she reached out to touch them, following her marathon, the HV shouted at her 'Those are MY feet and they belong to MY body. We DO NOT touch other people's bodies!'.

Of course, said HV went on to unceremoniously disrobe DD for her unecessary weigh in, touching her body, obviously!

We were at a mother and toddler group at a church hall, which is also used for wedding receptions, parties etc. It has a lovely garden area and it was a sunny day, so we put some play equipment outside to let the children run about out there.

We realised that whatever party/wedding reception had used the outdoor area over the weekend had left a few minging pint/ wine glasses sitting on a picnic table. I went to collect them up, but this one mother beat me to it. But this mental nut job woman, instead of taking them inside to stick in the kitchen about 5 paces away, proceeded to fast-bowl them in the bushes - where the kids play for gods sake - and some smashed!! . I went mental and shouted she was off her head and she shouted back that the glasses were dangerous so she was getting them out the children's way. Yeah right - it's a hell of a lot more dangerous the have a load of broken glass scattered through the bushes where children crawl than to pick them up and put them back in the kitchen.

placemark :) Thanks for the laffs, everyone! Crazy old world, innit!

just remembered this: not involving children, but definitely barking!

we had a college reunion at our house on a Saturday night, 20+ of us , having a chat and a drinks, lovely.

you know how from time to time people disappear to have a fag or go to the bathroom. etc

one of the girls started talking about how she needs her hair cut soon, coz it is now really annoying her due to hot weather etc - then she left the room.

next thing you know she's coming out of my bedroom with a pair of scissors, sits on the floor and starts cutting her own hair!
I kid you not, she didn't even try to cut it shorter or straight, she was cutting chunks of hair, randomly, scattering it on the floor!
some patches were so bad, you could see her scalp and by the time she finished she looked like a ragdoll attacked by a dog.

and if that's not weird enough, she got hold of my small mirror too and was grinning manically at her own image while she was carrying out this bizarre performance, then she checked her each side of her face, lifted a lock of hair, carefully considered it's length, hummed to herself and decided to leave it!

coz cutting that bit would have ruined her hairdo for sure! we were stunned, but still she turned around and said " much better, don't you think?"

lindamccartney that experience has sent me into a panic

martha - tiger mothers will do!

Oh RichMan, that's priceless, thanks for the explanation.

I'm at under-5s session with ds age 4 and baby dd, about 3 months. Basically having a nice snooze in the baby area while ds has fun.
Woken up by mother I'd never seen before in my life, demanding "Why don't you have your baby's ears pierced?"
"Ug? Why would I do that?"
"So your baby will be pretty."
"Are you saying my baby girl isn't pretty?"
"Well...you know..." [sucks teeth and tuts, like workmen do before telling you how much it'll cost] She gets up and wanders off, shaking her head sadly.
I am reliably informed by all professionals who have met her, and the rest of the world, that dd is absolutely gorgeous. :)

Apart from that have only experienced barkingness from HVs, like the one who made everyone more confused at the end of the weaning session than they were at the beginning (apparently there's three grades of puree which must each be given for a set number of weeks or the baby will be confused. Asked about BLW, she said she'd never heard of any such thing but sounded terribly dangerous - this is the trained advisor on weaning), and the one running a group which had mums almost all with PND in it, and decided to tell us all that as we were out of the house we obviously didn't have PND, which she knew all about because she'd had it, and been ditched by her husband, her child was then ill, then her mother was ill, then the dog was ill, then the house fell down... it went on for ages, while everyone went from being upset to just astounded, and when she got to the bit where her father died we were trying not to laugh...

I have a few;

Being gently encouraged to join the teenage mother's group at the Sure Start centre when getting dd weighed - I was 30 at the time

Going to a breastfeeding support group where the gathering was solely made up of women who had met there 5 years ago and whose kids were now at school, so they kept going to the group to meet up. There were 6 of them and one of me with a newborn. They were absolutely lovely but it was a bit overwhelming to have the advice of 6 well meaning ladies focussed solely on me and I'm ashamed to say that I promised to go back but didn't.

The 'drama teacher dad' at a soft play party who attempted to stage manage the kids play i.e. "good sliding isaac, now you go next ellie!'...leave the kids to it and have a cup of tea ffs

OTT nan at one group with her 2 and a half yo, looking at a book:
Nan: And what's that Ben?
Child: Duck
Nan: yes Ben we all know it's a duck. C'mon you can do better than that. You know all your ducks
Child:
Nan (to me. Like I give a shit) he really does know all his ducks
Oh really Ben. You do like to show me up don't you? It's a mallard isn't it? A MALLARD

At a different play group, I really made a tit of myself. We were given flasks with lids on to drink our tea. Cos it's not safe to drink from a mug around children. I took a swig of it and oh my lord it was hot. Scalding in fact. So scalding that as I felt my lips turn to blister my reflex was to yell out 'Fuuuuuuuuuu..' but displaying sterling self control and mindfulness I turned it into a shout of fuuuaaaaaalalalalalalala. I rarely feel embarrassment. I did then

This thread, all 18 pages has had me snorting & chortling through the last 3 evenings! 9 week old DS2 feeding at daft times still & crap telly - much better entertainment here at MN!
Nothing really crazy to contribute i'm afraid, I take DS1 to 2 naice groups where everyone is a bit lah lah with 1 or 2 groups of cliquey organic/trek round South America with a 6 week old/DC can do trig before they went to pre school types whose DC are generally the first to have a melt down/bite/be spoken to in loud voices "Good boy Milo, excellent meditation" when they are given time out for walloping someone else's DC. The sorts that NEVER speak to you if you see them round Sainsburys. Been to a few Sure Starts which were fab just crazy busy - 1 music session was run by a hippy dippy lady in her late 60s who was either very tired/drinking/early stages of dementia because you never knew what you'd get each week, she'd forget the words, blatantly make them up or just repeat repeat repeat until her helper gave her a poke!
Turtle boy is the winner for me for sure - genius! Plus it MUST have been CRUMBS on the dining table. Surely!!!!?

I'm voting for sunny's turtle boy as well.

What do get when you strap a 4-year old into a baby's car seat? A turtle.

ok amazingmumof6 but i am in NO WAY attempting to compete with pan pipes, turtle boy, burka woman or fanny parties

i have just one Tiger Mother friend, she is v sweet when the kids arent about which-makes me wonder why we are friends but she is just pure entertainment value

Her DS1 is 'spirited'. On one of his spiritual expression sessions he decided to belt my DS in the face, cue my DS crying, me looking like this TM takes the spirited one to one side:

TM: Darling why did you hit DSofMartha? I havent seen you hit anyone for ages (she obviously missed him belting another kid 15 mins earlier)

Spirited one: Nah

TM: Darling - were you angry with DSofMartha

Spirited one: Yes

TM: Darling, dont be angry, please talk to mummy about your anger, we dont express anger in this way do we darling

Our DS's were 18 months old at the time!!! Me and the other mothers were just sat there watching this anger management workshop looking like this

===

Then was the time when TM's DS started preschool, mine and my other friends DS had been going to a private day nursery for some time and were used to the ways and wonders of nursery, they are all the same age being born within a week of eachother, my DS and his mate are staying at the private nursery until Reception as-it is more convenient for us mothers

Anyway, we all met up a few weeks ago and the spirited one was putting his coat on, fair play - my DS can do that too, TM holds court and makes sure we can all hear her say:

Look look everyone - look how independent my DS is - independence is soooo important at school you know - as you will all find out next year

Sigh - i can dig out some more if they are needed!

ps - after the anger management session she texted me later in the day to say it was all fine as the spirited one had read the 'no hitting book' when they got home

double

martha my dear, Tigermum is just brilliant! "talk to mummy about your anger" hahahaha! to a baby! that is gold!

• how could you think it is not worthy of this thread?

keep it coming!

The idea to eating/encapsulating the placenta is that us guards against PND.

I didn't do it before you judge!

I have never witnessed any batshittery! I feel let down...

I truly love all of you....every single one of you! . I've had a really shitty few days and this thread has cheered me up no end! Burka woman reminds me of my friend, something she would do for a laugh she'll appreciate the story tomorrow!

Off to buy pa pipes and steal my nephew for baby group! (DS is too old now. We used to go to one everyday )

battling or you can borrow mine, as long as you don't try to BF DD!

amazingmum she is priceless, I shall keep you updated on a regular basis

you can count on me amazingmum does my CRB cover in appropriate BF? I start a new job first week in march, reckon I can fit in a fair few visits before then!