Given that most of us failed the on-line British Citizen test, let's make up our own questions about what it's like to be British?

[MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne]

original thread here

We need questions about British culture, class and manners, which would truly work out whether you knew the country. For example:

Which of these expressions would only be used by someone from the lower middle class:

• Bog
  
• Loo
  
• Toilet
  
• Lavatory
  
• Shitter?
  

List these supermarkets in order of naiceness.

Iceland
Budgens
Aldi
Sainsbury's
Waitrose


What is a snakebite (tick all that apply)?

• A bite from a snake.
  
• A mixture of cider and lager
  
• A flaming from a nest of vipers

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Salad cream is acceptable under which circumstances?
Come the Revolution, who will be first up against the wall?

[FairPhyllis]

The greatest threat to the UK's national security at present is:

a) Al-Qaeda
b) SMERSH
c) Alex Salmond
d) France
e) Germany
f) France and Germany

[FairPhyllis]

You bought a house a number of years ago which has tripled in value. An appropriate response to this situation is:

a) Phone up all your friends and relatives who rent to share the good news with them.
b) Angle dinner party conversations around to the topic of property so you can stealth boast about it.
c) Troll the forums on housepricecrash.com.
d) Sell the house and blow all the money before the kids can inherit it.

Note: there may be more than one correct answer!

[JoanByers]

Which of the following would you NOT expect to find in the average British town:

(a) A Polish grocers
(b) A Chinese restaurant
(c) A Mexican restaurant

[JoanByers]

Which of the following is generally socially acceptable transportation in Britain:

(a) A Volvo XC90
(b) A bicycle
(c) A BMW 5 series
(d) none of the above

[JoanByers]

Which of the following is NOT a way to gain access to a high-quality education in Britain:

(a) pretending to be Catholic
(b) renting a house in the right postcode
(c) writing to the Headteachers of your preferred school asking for your child to be considered
(c) having your 7-year-old tutored 10 hours a week for 3 years and then sitting an exam involving squiggles and patterns

[FellatioNels0n]

How many Polish/Albanian men does it take to wash a:

Ford Focus in eight minutes, inside and out

A Range Rover in 6 minutes, inside and out plus luxury wax

A Fiat Punto in 12 minutes, outside only.


How many Polish/Albanian men can you fit in one three bed terrace in Pittyborrow?

[FellatioNels0n]

You are a wishing to settle in Pittyborrow. Which greeting should you use when communicating with the locals?

What ho old chap!

Awright, cocker!

Eh oop me duck!

See you Jimmy!

Jak siemasz - yak syemash!

[BoffinMum]

Can I just say that I lecture in social policy, amongst other things, and I only got 58% on the official test. I did notice that some of the answers in the multiple choice were either wrong or ambiguous. What on earth are they trying to test here????? Tories ought to do something useful and set a Shakespeare test instead, or adopt the MN one . Anything would be better than that.

[BoffinMum]

You have an hour to yourself after getting the kids off to school. Do you:

Search the internet for a suitable prayer breakfast to attend.
Wash your front doorstep down to impress the neighbours.
Slump in front of breakfast TV with a cup of tea and a secret fag.

[KenDoddsDadsDog]

In no more than 100 words, please explain how much Peter Andre loves his kids.

[riveroise]

True or false

If you met someone at a social event and they asked you if you wanted to "to see their etchings?" they are inviting you to an art exhibition.

Lambrini is a vintage wine suitable as a gift to take to a dinner party.

[FellatioNels0n]

Explain using 20 words or less the connection between Stella in Corrie and Whitnaaaaaay in East Enders.

*You may employ venn diagrams and flow charts.

[FellatioNels0n]

You are invited to attend a 'shoot' on Boxing Day at the posh neighbours in 'The Big House', with all the land.

Do you take:

A bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers

A camera and some cocaine

A shotgun, a labrador and a hipflask

Clothing suitable for paint balling

A kalashnikov and a flame thrower.

[WhatchuTalkinBoutPhyllis]

A person walks into a shop and purchases a star bar, flamin hot moster munch, an um bongo, 10 sterling superking and a lucky dip scratch card.

Which newspaper does this person chose?

a)the mail
b)financial times
c)the star
d)guardian
d)this person cannot read.

What is this person wearing?

a)a selection of different sportswear ie, adidas nike, gola and reebok
b)a barbor jacket with riding boots and a neckercheif
c)a onesie

What are this persons plans for the rest of the day?

a)sit in front of the tv watching jezza kyle, then completing the next level on call of duty.
b)going to brunch with old friends then off to selfridges for a spot of retail therapy.
c)back to bed

What is this person having for dinner?
a)pot noodle
b)duck confit with brocoli rabe
c)the monster munch and star bar

[RubyGates]

You are invited to dinner at a large house.
It transpires that some of the guests have been invited to spend the entire weekend there.

Do you
a) Think "I'm glad I live so handily for such awsome repasts, I'm happy to ensure that there will not be thirteen at table and I shan't have to do any washing up on the staffs' night off"
b) Sulk because you were clearly an afterthought. But go anyway
c) Start a thread in AIBU about how everyone at houseparties should be asked to stay overnight because otherwise it's not fair innit?

[TheSmallPrint]

Explain in 5000 words or less what exactly is a mum boot.

[WhatchuTalkinBoutPhyllis]

Someone cuts you up on the motorway, do you

a) flip the bastard off

b) forget about it. Live and let live.

c) spend all day silently seething then take it out on your family when you get back home

d) bang on about it for the next week and bring it up whenever you travel on the motorway driver/passenger for the next 20 years.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Geography

Is Britain part of Europe?
Does Britain think it is part of Europe?
Does Britain want to be part of Europe?

Express as a percentage (with 0% being not at all and 100% being totally and utterly) how pissed off a Welsh or Scottish person will be at being described as English.

Where is the Calcutta Cup played? Which countries are involved?

[TraceyTrickster]

Which is the correct response when you are offered a complement by an acquaintance:

a) smile graciously and say 'thank you'
b) smile and say ' I know I have always thought so'
c) stammer awkwardly and mutter something non-committal
d) ignore the comment completely and talk about the weather instead.

[middleagedspread]

If you are invited to someones house, what time would you arrive for
Lunch
Dinner
Tea
Supper?

[Absy]

For Fell's shoot one, personally I would take a combination of b and e and have a freaking awesome time.

are you a Good Foreigner or a Bad Forriner*?

*South African, Australian, American, Polish Plumber
** See Daily Mail for guidance

[Absy]

Which of the following is responsible for the "destruction of the traditional British High Street":
a) evil national chains opening stores, turning High Streets into identikits with no character
b) well loved national chains going into administration and closing stores
c) both of the above

[DollySisterMadeNoResolutions]

It is acceptable to pass comment on a stranger's parenting choices if:
a) She is breast feeding in public

b) she is formula feeding in public

c) she is not doing it the way you did it in your day, therefore you know better because "I have had children of my own, you know"

d) She is not doing it the way you did in your day, and although all experts agree that the modern way is better, you know better because "it never did us any harm"

e) She has brilliantly handled her child's very public tantrum, allowing her to walk away with her to

[DollySisterMadeNoResolutions]

Argh! Fat fingers posted too soon!

...e) She brilliantly handled her child's very public tantrum leaving her somewhat embarrassed and in need of an encouraging smile