Today I Am Packing A Bag And Leaving

[DoneWithItAllNow]

I can't do this anymore. I have been taking a cocktail of antidepressants and beta blockers for two years plus having counselling for depression and anxiety and I was just starting to think things were getting better.

Then I properly opened my eyes and looked around me. I saw the state of this flat, what I have been subjecting my disabled husband to for the past 18 months. Oh my God, I am so ashamed and I can't believe I am writing this but I need someone to judge me and tell me how terrible I am and it will be best coming from strangers over the Internet.

My house is a shit-tip. I don't mean a mess, I mean an absolute shit tip. And I can't face doing anything about it. We have not used our kitchen for 18 months. It is a mess of washing up never done, mould and dead flies. We do not even make tea in there and DH has a microwave ready meal each night cooked in a microwave so filthy that I am surprised I have not poisoned him. I live on biscuits, cabs of coke, whatever I can keep in the lounge. There is a leftover chicken casserole in my fridge that I cooked in May 2010 for fuck sake.

I cannot face dealing with it. The rest of the flat is no better. There are piles of washing everywhere as all I have washed is underwear and essential work stuff.

I called a cleaning company to ask for help. I wanted to see how much they would charge just to sort the kitchen. The lady who came out told me nobody will do it. Apparently it is classed as "gross filth" and I would have to employ a specialist team "like you see on Grime Squad." I know I could never afford that.

This place is damp and falling apart. The landlord doesn't care and we need to move. Seven months ago I had a ceiling fall in but I can't tell the landlord as he will come round and I can't let him see this place in this state.

So today I am packing a bag and leaving. I don't know where yet but I have to go. It is either that or something more drastic. DH will be better off without me. I have no real friends but I know that people will rally round to help the poor disabled man who's wife has left him with this to deal with. It will be better for all of us.

I can't believe I let things get like this. I don't know why I am posting this. I just need to get it in writing somewhere.

How fantastic. Well done you for putting so much effort in. You can do it and you will. I'm really really proud of you . In a viperish kind of way of course .

hurrah, lovely :) A good clear-out is a good start, and it helps to get some outsiders who are detached from the personal stuff. Eventually, you can get in some cleaners if you want to get the finishing touches done. Like get someone to come in and steam the carpets if they've been underneath piles of stuff for ages, for example.

My house doesn't look like yours but my fathers has (or, very close) before, and I know what a project it can be. And I know how easy it is to become blind to it.

Good luck, ladies. Count me as another who had a tear in her viperish eye.

What an amazing thread !

Mumsnet is so totally fucking awesome isn't it!

Will be thinking of you all tomorrow.

Wow, you all just inspired me to go wipe my worktops
Well done OP, thanks to you all and LONG LIVE MN!

I need to know who the other person is - y'know for tea/coffee purposes.

I will have my phone with me, so will MN whilst cleaning... I do it (MNing) during most other things so we can update as we go.

Yay, all round.

Good luck to you all tomorrow - lovely thread and am so excited for Donewithitall to have a new, improved, cleaner flat tomorrow.

Hope you ladies have some fun with music and biscuits and the like while you clean.

Just sobbed my way through this thread.

What wonderful people you all are.

OP good luck tomorrow !!

OP - I'm so pleased you're getting help. If I lived closer I'd be happy to do a few hours of clearing stuff and cleaning. Once it's all done could you afford a cleaner for a couple of hours a week? It would mean someone coming into your home every week or fortnight but that might be an incentive to stay mostly on top of things plus take some of the pressure off you. Sorry if someone else has suggested this, I haven't read all the threads. You will feel fantastic once it's all done. Small steps at a time after that.

to the lovely, lovely ladies helping out. And well done OP. You are all amazing xxx

Youse lot are brilliant. And OP, you're brilliant. Looking forward to updates, and a clean home for you for Christmas!

Lovely thread - proving yet again how amazing Mumsnet is.

Good luck OP and to those helping tomorrow.

What a fantastic heartwarming thread - I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Good luck for tomorrow.

This is lovely. I'm way up in Scotland but I would have loved to come help if I could.

Op, its so easy to let this slide, and before you know it, it's out of control and you feel worse and so you let it slide some more (been there!)

I bet your new shiny flat will help you feel better.

Bookmarking because I'm looking forward to your updates
Good luck, all, hope you have fun with your work!

I am feeling a bit emotional today and this thread has just turned me into a blubbering wreck.

It has also motivated me to get on and get a bit of serious cleaning done.

Good luck, op! What a brave thing to do, posting what you did. You have nothing to be ashamed of and I can imagine there are loads of people in your situation.

I hope within a few days you'll have a lovely sparkling clean flat that will put you on the right path for the future. Once it's clean, I hope you can get on the landlord's case, or find somewhere new for a fresh start (and no damp!)

I find cleaning hard due to a disability. A carer does most but it's hard not to let things get cluttered so I definitely spend a few minutes each day when I'm up putting just one or two things away and that helps. Far less daunting than doing it all in one go.

Dont worry everyone - once Laurie, Donewithitall and I (and anyone else who pops along) have got it sorted we will go all gangsta Kim n Aggie on her ass and make up cleaning charts and get her on the flylady threads!

Fab thread :)
Happy cleaning tomorrow ladies

This is a wonderful thread.

Cor bloody hell, I'm itching to get cracking on your house... and if I didn't live miles away in effin' Yorkshire I'd be round chez vous toute suite with armfuls of bleach and a slightly maniacal expression on me face. I'm a cleaning junkie. I'd bring my neat-freak mate Debbie too, but she lives in Scotland now so that's out of the question... god, we'd love to do your house. Give us a bag of rags and some soap and we're happy as larks...true story, some people LOVE cleaning.

We're weird, I know.

Seeing as you're too far away from us for us to be of much use to you, here's what I'd do if I was in your shoes.

I'd get a skip, park it outside and throw absolutely fecking everything into it...dirty dishes, prehistoric casserole, the lot. Just save the stuff that's not too heavily soiled and is easy to wash: pots and pans are cheap enough to replace these days, ditto cutlery. Throw it all out - anything that's past it's best, OUT. Once the place is a blank slate, or as good as, start cleaning.

The problem here is that you don't know where to start, and shifting stuff around endlessly whilst you fiddle around, cleaning round the ages is going to take ages and you haven't got the energy for that.

Hire a skip. Then, dig down deep inside you until you find the bit marked "BERSERKER RAGE", then go mental, and throw your old life out.

It's always starting this sort of stuff that takes the most effort: if you can just get going, and keep going, then it will be a few hours of slogging, but it will be so worth it in the end.

Best of luck!

x

C

Marking my place. You are an amazing lady!

What beautiful people you all are. You make the world a better place.
OP good luck for tomorrow and I hope you have a fantastic Christmas.