Today I Am Packing A Bag And Leaving

[DoneWithItAllNow]

I can't do this anymore. I have been taking a cocktail of antidepressants and beta blockers for two years plus having counselling for depression and anxiety and I was just starting to think things were getting better.

Then I properly opened my eyes and looked around me. I saw the state of this flat, what I have been subjecting my disabled husband to for the past 18 months. Oh my God, I am so ashamed and I can't believe I am writing this but I need someone to judge me and tell me how terrible I am and it will be best coming from strangers over the Internet.

My house is a shit-tip. I don't mean a mess, I mean an absolute shit tip. And I can't face doing anything about it. We have not used our kitchen for 18 months. It is a mess of washing up never done, mould and dead flies. We do not even make tea in there and DH has a microwave ready meal each night cooked in a microwave so filthy that I am surprised I have not poisoned him. I live on biscuits, cabs of coke, whatever I can keep in the lounge. There is a leftover chicken casserole in my fridge that I cooked in May 2010 for fuck sake.

I cannot face dealing with it. The rest of the flat is no better. There are piles of washing everywhere as all I have washed is underwear and essential work stuff.

I called a cleaning company to ask for help. I wanted to see how much they would charge just to sort the kitchen. The lady who came out told me nobody will do it. Apparently it is classed as "gross filth" and I would have to employ a specialist team "like you see on Grime Squad." I know I could never afford that.

This place is damp and falling apart. The landlord doesn't care and we need to move. Seven months ago I had a ceiling fall in but I can't tell the landlord as he will come round and I can't let him see this place in this state.

So today I am packing a bag and leaving. I don't know where yet but I have to go. It is either that or something more drastic. DH will be better off without me. I have no real friends but I know that people will rally round to help the poor disabled man who's wife has left him with this to deal with. It will be better for all of us.

I can't believe I let things get like this. I don't know why I am posting this. I just need to get it in writing somewhere.

right, so I have 'spoken' to Laurie and it appears I am not too far from you OP.

fivegold hahahaaaaaaa it could well be a meet up...

anyone else in S Bucks around tomorrow to help?

Go go go. It won't be a shit Christmas.... Seems like you've found a couple of fairies already. Keep up the good work.

I knew someone with a house in a similar sounding condition as yours. 3 of us went down armed with face masks, gloves and plenty of bin liners. It took 3 of us 2 full days to clear if out and get it to quite a good standard. OP, with the help of Laurie and Jax you could be sorted in no time.

Good luck and before you know it you'll be sitting down with your lovely homemade shepherds pie.

You are going to come out of this with a clean flat and two new friends in Laurie and Jax!! Fab :) well done!

Well done OP.
When you say 'I properly opened my eyes and looked around' that is a great sign that you yourself are on the mend, as when depressed it is hard to see what is going on around you, let alone care that much about it.

I hope you get all the help and support you need. xx

go laurie and jax.

Brilliant, Laurie & Jax

Had to go out shortly after I posted a msg earlier. Just scanned through the msgs since then. Wow! OP you have really got it together, with some help and support. YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD OF YOURSELF! So pleased to see the progress you have made. You sound so much more positive now! Go Girl ! And keep us updated when you can. Take care.

This is such an uplifting thread! The fact that you've noticed it could be the depression lifting - well done for making a start!

so the bins are full... well my estate car is empty - keep filling, we can hit the tip!

Is it a bit weird that I feel all Kim & Aggie and a tiny bit excited?

Jax I know what you mean about feeling all Kim and Aggie! A good feeling though!

We've got a friend who is struggling in a similar way - he's a carer for his partner/ GF.
Anyone know what we could do to help him ?
We've visited a couple of times in last couple of years - they live along way away from us. I'm not very practical myself although of course I've thought that we should help him ourselves.
Any other options though ?
I noticed someone posted a link to cleaning services ?
They live in Scotland BTW.

Wow, the power of Mumsnet never ceases to amaze me.

Wow you lot are wonderful :)

This is MN at it's best.
2 cleaning angels to help you have a tidy and possibly homecooked Christmas Donewithitall.
Jax Laurie for being so local and lending a hand on our behalf

Saladfingers, as an aside, I am gutted that you have that name, it was going to one of my 'spares'.

I'm in Berks and could give you a couple of hours help on Saturday if you need it, as DCs are with their Dad.
PM me if you want me to come over with my marigolds!

Sorry colditz,what about rustyspoons that was my next choice?

Assumimg you are a David Firth fan and not just into salad?

Just another voice to say I feel so proud of everyone on here - especially the OP for having the courage to post in the first place, to respond so positively to all the suggestions and for making the first steps towards a clutter-free life - and also all the amazing posters with their fab, inspirational suggestions and offers of help.

Feel weirdly envious of Laurie and Jax and wish I was close enough to be able to help. You two are fab!

This is a lovely lovely thread! Go OP you're already winning, one bin bag at a time - how wonderful it's going to be when you make that shepherds pie!

Jax and Laurie you are both fantabulous people :o

I was too far away to help when Trinity needed it - so this is my karma fairy doing her stuff.

Go you three! We're all so proud :o.

It's fab. I suspect that a lot of us posting here have experience similar to the OP.

All power to you, Jax, Laurie and Done.

Lol yes, rustyspoons might cut it. Am not salad fan, I love David Firth cartoons.

Op, how are you getting on?