Today I Am Packing A Bag And Leaving

[DoneWithItAllNow]

I can't do this anymore. I have been taking a cocktail of antidepressants and beta blockers for two years plus having counselling for depression and anxiety and I was just starting to think things were getting better.

Then I properly opened my eyes and looked around me. I saw the state of this flat, what I have been subjecting my disabled husband to for the past 18 months. Oh my God, I am so ashamed and I can't believe I am writing this but I need someone to judge me and tell me how terrible I am and it will be best coming from strangers over the Internet.

My house is a shit-tip. I don't mean a mess, I mean an absolute shit tip. And I can't face doing anything about it. We have not used our kitchen for 18 months. It is a mess of washing up never done, mould and dead flies. We do not even make tea in there and DH has a microwave ready meal each night cooked in a microwave so filthy that I am surprised I have not poisoned him. I live on biscuits, cabs of coke, whatever I can keep in the lounge. There is a leftover chicken casserole in my fridge that I cooked in May 2010 for fuck sake.

I cannot face dealing with it. The rest of the flat is no better. There are piles of washing everywhere as all I have washed is underwear and essential work stuff.

I called a cleaning company to ask for help. I wanted to see how much they would charge just to sort the kitchen. The lady who came out told me nobody will do it. Apparently it is classed as "gross filth" and I would have to employ a specialist team "like you see on Grime Squad." I know I could never afford that.

This place is damp and falling apart. The landlord doesn't care and we need to move. Seven months ago I had a ceiling fall in but I can't tell the landlord as he will come round and I can't let him see this place in this state.

So today I am packing a bag and leaving. I don't know where yet but I have to go. It is either that or something more drastic. DH will be better off without me. I have no real friends but I know that people will rally round to help the poor disabled man who's wife has left him with this to deal with. It will be better for all of us.

I can't believe I let things get like this. I don't know why I am posting this. I just need to get it in writing somewhere.

[AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow]

Hve a look before 5, to see if there's any space? then they can take it.

[DoneWithItAllNow]

One bin bag doesn't look like it made much difference but I feel a bit better knowing that there is one bin bag less of stuff in my flat IYSWIM.

I had a look on line and I could afford a new FF if need to.

[HellonHeels]

Brilliant thread! Well done OP x I always feel a lot better for a good clear out and tidy up. Hope you do too - keep it up.

[FivesGoldNorks]

Do the same again and then it will be 2 bags :)
Have q quick break first though

[DoneWithItAllNow]

The bins are very full at the moment. Someone moved out a couple of days ago abd I think they got rid of loads of crap. I'm popping out for a bit now (to get cleaning stuff amongst other things!) but I'll check back in later. X

[Violet77]

Go down with the rubbish before they arrive and ask very nicely if you can refill a Bin, they will just take it, they usuallly do.

Good luck, wish i was near i LOVE throwing things away.

[Isabeller]

Go Done With!! I got a FF from freecycle for DPs Mum, people do throw out stuff that is fine (ie when they get a new kitchen) and many are kind enough to offer it on freecycle.

[DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight]

Came to this thread too late to offer advice but there are some kind souls on MN.

OP I applaud you for getting back on your feet. I hope you feel encouraged and once you've started I hope you find the going gets easier. A small victory daily is a tremendous boost.

[chrismissymoomoomee]

Have a look and see if your council will do a special uplift. Some councils are quite cheap, others are extortionate. My old council was something like £7 for 5 items but this one is £25 per item even if its a bin bag. Worth a look though.

[DoubleMum]

Well done Done With! Clearing it out will be so therapeutic I promise. We had a massive clearout a couple of months ago as the house was just getting so over-full of stuff, and chucked/gave away over 30 sacks of stuff. It made me feel much better but the sad thing is I haven't missed one single item that was in those 30 sacks, so why was I giving them house space all these years?!
A fresh start for Christmas will make you (and DH) feel so much better.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Remember

Your flat is tidier now than it was when you woke up this morning.

[JaxTellerIsMyFriend]

right so you are in Bucks. PM me please!

I will come with Laurie to help. I will coordinate with Laurie and lets go from there.
No need to chuck the fridge - some bicarb of soda and a good scrub will sort it out! Lets get you sorted out for Christmas.

[Ephiny]

Well done for making a start :)

[WinklyVersusTheZombies]

My cleaning aim isn't perfection. It is just to make it Better. You have already made it Better - you are winning. Well done.

[JaxTellerIsMyFriend]

you have made a start - keep going, you are doing brilliantly.

[FivesGoldNorks]

Jax :)
This is sounding suspiciously like a meet up

[ditavonteesed]

1 bag is a very good start, dont do too much, you will be amazed how quickly your lovely home will be back. I am sat here beaming with pride at you for takling this, well done for getting yourself better you are amazing. I was also going to offer but am at the other end of the country.

[snowflakehellokitty]

well done you

you took the first step by posting on here
i have suffered from depression i also suffer from anxiety it can be so hard!!
well done on starting with the bin liners

[fryingpantoface]

I really wish we lived closer, I'd be happy to help.

Just remember that you can do it.

[2muchxmaspud]

What a supportive thread, well done OP and well done all those with the kind words and offers of support for this lovely lady. You all need to shine your halos!!

Is there any other bins on your estate that you could pop the excess bags in when your communal bin is full? Nobody should object as it is only a one off.

Glad you have taken the first steps to taking charge of your life again and I don't know who mentioned freecycle but they were spot on for getting stuff for nothing, also charity shops for cheaper items and some deliver. I hope you have a wonderfull xmas

[colditz]

You are doing brilliantly.

I will confess to you that I struggle with personal hygiene when depressed, and I had a shower earlier. I now feel a lot better, as it is out of the way for today. I'm not going to disclose how long it was since the last shower, but it was long enough to horrify anyone.

I totally understand how the same can apply to a kitchen, and agree with everyone saying "bin the lot and start again".

Once everything it's thrown out, you've only got surfaces to actually clean. Swab the down with bleach, TA dah! Done. Clean kitchen. Have a cake.

[FivesGoldNorks]

And that last bit is important!

[TheOneWithTheHair]

Even better. Bake a cake. You'll be able to soon if you keep this up.

Well done DoneWithIt.

[SantasBigBaubles]

I love this thread op! Go op!

[everybodysang]

Oh well done you! Just think how amazing it will feel to have tackled this head on and not run away from it. You have already started and eventually it will get easier and easier... Huge congratulations for staying and giving it your all.