Today I Am Packing A Bag And Leaving

[DoneWithItAllNow]

I can't do this anymore. I have been taking a cocktail of antidepressants and beta blockers for two years plus having counselling for depression and anxiety and I was just starting to think things were getting better.

Then I properly opened my eyes and looked around me. I saw the state of this flat, what I have been subjecting my disabled husband to for the past 18 months. Oh my God, I am so ashamed and I can't believe I am writing this but I need someone to judge me and tell me how terrible I am and it will be best coming from strangers over the Internet.

My house is a shit-tip. I don't mean a mess, I mean an absolute shit tip. And I can't face doing anything about it. We have not used our kitchen for 18 months. It is a mess of washing up never done, mould and dead flies. We do not even make tea in there and DH has a microwave ready meal each night cooked in a microwave so filthy that I am surprised I have not poisoned him. I live on biscuits, cabs of coke, whatever I can keep in the lounge. There is a leftover chicken casserole in my fridge that I cooked in May 2010 for fuck sake.

I cannot face dealing with it. The rest of the flat is no better. There are piles of washing everywhere as all I have washed is underwear and essential work stuff.

I called a cleaning company to ask for help. I wanted to see how much they would charge just to sort the kitchen. The lady who came out told me nobody will do it. Apparently it is classed as "gross filth" and I would have to employ a specialist team "like you see on Grime Squad." I know I could never afford that.

This place is damp and falling apart. The landlord doesn't care and we need to move. Seven months ago I had a ceiling fall in but I can't tell the landlord as he will come round and I can't let him see this place in this state.

So today I am packing a bag and leaving. I don't know where yet but I have to go. It is either that or something more drastic. DH will be better off without me. I have no real friends but I know that people will rally round to help the poor disabled man who's wife has left him with this to deal with. It will be better for all of us.

I can't believe I let things get like this. I don't know why I am posting this. I just need to get it in writing somewhere.

This is amazing - only just seen this post and so glad you've given strength and courage to a lady in utter despair.

Chipping - I don't think I'm a hoarder - I would love to throw a load of stuff out, but as you say, our options are limited - and believe it or not we're not allowed to have bonfires here, by law. We do have the option of burning things on our open fire in the living room - but it's not very environmentally friendly for a start, plus it bungs up the chimney. I do burn paper and that sort of thing, though.

The 'tip' is about 20 miles away from us, and they charge extortionate amounts per bag of dumped stuff (not up to date with exact rates). We have an outbuilding where I'm currently throwing all filled bags of rubbish (apart from the 2 or 3 we can afford to get picked up every 2 weeks), but one of these days we're going to have to empty it - and I have no idea how.

It's stupid, I care about the environment and all that green stuff, and now I find myself contemplating the idea of digging a big hole and shovelling all the rubbish into it (we have room to do that!). I won't do it, of course (other fantasies include arson!), but I'm at a bit of a loss to see another solution. If we had the money, I'd just get skip after skip and get rid of everything that way - but we really don't.

On the whole, it'll be better to have a squalid outbuilding than a squalid house, so I guess we'll settle for that for now, and think of solutions re the rubbish removal once the house is clean. That's what I'm going to concentrate on - and if I can climb that particular mountain, then getting the rubbish taken away somehow will probably be a doddle. I hope!

Hope you four 'wipers' are all enjoying some much-deserved right now :o.

You lovely bunch of old scrubbers nest of vipers! I'm including you in that, Donewith. Well done to all of you - and now you've made a start, keep going! I've just been sorting through my house, junking stuff that goes back a long way (17 years of living here) and only have two bedrooms to go plus the garage and the shed . It has been very cathartic throwing out some unpleasant memories at the same time.

Hang on. Hang on. We are all missing the point.

You can MAKE at HOME?

I don't make wine but I do have elderflower gin and sloe gin marinating for Christmas

I've drunk 2 glasses of wine and had a bath (bleach smell clings to me) and I feel great

Furry Sorry if this has been covered upthread but have you tried asking local clearance people for quotes (I mean rubbish clearance rather than house clearance?) That has been cheaper than a skip in my experience. Some will be environmentally certified - I forget the name of the certification but you should be able to find it if you google around a bit.

Well done Lauries! You're fab

MadSleighLady I did a Google on 'gross filth' (wince!) earlier and found a couple of companies that deal with it (as well as cleaning crime scenes, which made me boggle a bit) - once the house is decanted into the outbuilding, I'll ask them for a quote, I think. Not quite so traumatic having 'gross filth' in our actual living space.

Hone made wine is can be very good, and a lot of fun, btw!

Furry just be careful the bags don't attract rats in the outhouse. If you have more than can be collected officially, could you be sneaky & take a bag or a few smaller ones everytime you go out & put them in rubbish bins anywhere you go?

Furry I have used those bag skip thingys before bought at the local garden centre/garage and got rid of a a fair bit in those, also they collect when ever so I used to buy the bag save Euro 10 per week and all copper coins previously my holiday spending money and when I had enough I would fill and get it lifted.
Well done ladies it was so nice to see such a happy positive story, the true spirit of the season

Today I was going to watch It's a Wonderful Life as it always gets me in the Christmas spirit. This thread has done that instead and I've spent the time doing things that were on last week's to-do list. Thank you all, you lovely people, but especially OP.

I also just want to add my amazement at the brilliant positive efforts from the OP after such a desperate start, and the utter loveliness of some people.

I wasn't feeling Christmassy until today, but this has made me feel all warm and jolly!

Right. Finished reading. Must get cleaning myself! It CAN be done!

This thread is like one big massive hug!

You're all bloody wonderful, the cleaners and the cleanees.

Well done lovely ladies. A job well done. And keep it up OP you have a great start :)

Wonderful thread! Wonderful women.
Do you think I've got any chance of clearing the back bedroom without a flame-thrower? I guess this proves it can be done. Thank You for giving me the inspiration.

Donewith I started reading your thread on thurs and was so touched by all the words of support and offers of help you received. I didnt bother posting as i live in the Highlands so am too far away to be of any practical help. But I couldnt help coming back tonight to find out how you and your wonderful fairies got on today You should be really proud of yourself for what you have achieved
I was lucky enough to be offered help from this nest of vipers this week too and feel very blessed - God bless mumsnet

Awwwwwww - just awwwwwwww. Sobbing happily here at the loveliness of strangers (who are now friends).

Well done to all of you

Must be all the dust we're clearing ...makes the eyes leak....

You all made me cry hormonal cow that I am

Well done

Well done all.
You rock.

You vipers are amazing - I love it when I see threads like this on MN. Well done to the scrubbers, and to Donewith and Furry.

Heartwarming stuff. Reinforces faith in the goodness of people.

Best wishes to Donewith & the scrubbers (sounds like a singing group hey!)

Sending good vibes to you Furry.

Lovely thread. But crying at it? Fecking Nora