Today I Am Packing A Bag And Leaving

[DoneWithItAllNow]

I can't do this anymore. I have been taking a cocktail of antidepressants and beta blockers for two years plus having counselling for depression and anxiety and I was just starting to think things were getting better.

Then I properly opened my eyes and looked around me. I saw the state of this flat, what I have been subjecting my disabled husband to for the past 18 months. Oh my God, I am so ashamed and I can't believe I am writing this but I need someone to judge me and tell me how terrible I am and it will be best coming from strangers over the Internet.

My house is a shit-tip. I don't mean a mess, I mean an absolute shit tip. And I can't face doing anything about it. We have not used our kitchen for 18 months. It is a mess of washing up never done, mould and dead flies. We do not even make tea in there and DH has a microwave ready meal each night cooked in a microwave so filthy that I am surprised I have not poisoned him. I live on biscuits, cabs of coke, whatever I can keep in the lounge. There is a leftover chicken casserole in my fridge that I cooked in May 2010 for fuck sake.

I cannot face dealing with it. The rest of the flat is no better. There are piles of washing everywhere as all I have washed is underwear and essential work stuff.

I called a cleaning company to ask for help. I wanted to see how much they would charge just to sort the kitchen. The lady who came out told me nobody will do it. Apparently it is classed as "gross filth" and I would have to employ a specialist team "like you see on Grime Squad." I know I could never afford that.

This place is damp and falling apart. The landlord doesn't care and we need to move. Seven months ago I had a ceiling fall in but I can't tell the landlord as he will come round and I can't let him see this place in this state.

So today I am packing a bag and leaving. I don't know where yet but I have to go. It is either that or something more drastic. DH will be better off without me. I have no real friends but I know that people will rally round to help the poor disabled man who's wife has left him with this to deal with. It will be better for all of us.

I can't believe I let things get like this. I don't know why I am posting this. I just need to get it in writing somewhere.

You are all great.

Awww, this thread is so lovely.

Update soon please

Well done all of you. Admission time - my house in in the same state :( I was depressed for several years, and it just got out of hand - HOWEVER - inspired by this thread, I have just chucked 2 bags of rubbish out of the kitchen, cleaned the bin (yes, the bin!) and made a good start on de-crapping the cooker. We live in the middle of nowhere (only me and my husband, no kids involved), and I just couldn't let anyone in to see what a hellhole this is - so I'm going to de-muck it myself (with husband's help of course, although he doesn't know it yet).

Maybe I'm in a bit of a better position than the OP, cos I've always been able to reach/use the cooker, but believe me when I say the rest of the house is in a state of extreme crud. All sinks are blocked, so I'm washing up in the bath, and the hot water runs out after just a small amount of washing (something up with the immersion, but I can't let a plumber in to see the mess!) - but if I do a bit every day, I'll get there.

We can't afford a skip (?300+), and we don't have an outdoor bin (again, ?300+ a year) - we buy special bags that are collected once every 2 weeks by a private company (no council waste collection here) - and that's contributed to the mess, of course, cos we can't just bag it all up and chuck it out (each waste disposal bag costs us ?5).

Anyway, I'm posting here for 2 reasons - 1 - hoping for a bit of encouragement (it's a very scary thing to admit to), and 2 - for accountability, please nag me to get on with it. I've PMed the OP too, hoping for someone to talk to who understands the guilt, the shame, the fear (of anyone having to come into the house for some reason) and the isolation it causes (not had anyone in the house for 4 years!).

Hope no one minds me using this topic to come out about my problem - I feel more comfortable lurking down here at the bottom of the thread, rather than making my own post about it. I was so encouraged by the way you have all been so supportive - and am now going to press 'post message' before I lose my bottle.

Wonder if there's anyone else out there in this situation?

Have been thinking about you all today.

for you all.

So glad things are looking up for you op, can you imagine how sad it would be if you had walked and never posted?!

So lovely to hear of such kindness.

Is this a first on MN?

I know people have whipped round etc but have agroup ever gone to CLEAN anopther MNers hopuse?

Brilliant. Well done all.

Furry, keep at it and give yourself a goal and a treat to look forward to.

Clean for Christmas could become a sort of lovely theme don't you think?

What a horrible interfering bunch you are not

Fantastic! :o

Furry
Well done for making a start. If you feel a bit down about the task at any time just keep reminding yourself of what you have already done and look at your clean bin as a reminder.

You can do this.

furrydog well done for getting started. That is half the battle, I think. Once you tackle one area it is much easier. You may want to have a look at the baby steps on the Good Housekeeping topic. Dont let it overwhelm you. One room/area at a time, dont try to do everywhere at once.

I just stopped for a ciggie (erk, yes, the place also stinks of smoke and is generally nicotine coloured) and a glass of home made wine (I actually manage to sterilise stuff for winemaking, believe it or not!) - but I am determined to find a worktop before the end of the day, and clean it. Just waiting for more hot water so I can wash up the food processor and stick blender. I can't tell you how grateful I am to DoneWith for her original post - knowing I'm not the only one both makes me cry, and makes me feel a bit better. My 2 year old chicken casserole (yep, I really have one too!) is the next thing to go - it's been lurking in a (lidded) saucepan on the kitchen floor...

yes well done the wipers and furry well done you for making a start!

furry - well done on getting started, that is really fabulous news - it's incredibly difficult to get started but once you do it really boosts your self esteem as you accomplish bag after bag, little area after little area!

Keep going you can do it

Furry everything encouraging and sympathetic that was said to done applies to you too. Self-compassion is the only way.

Flylady website/book has been mentioned upthread and I really recommend her approach. She's had depression too, so she's one of us. Her mission is to help people in CHAOS (her acronym, which stands for 'can't have anyone over syndrome'). Her big thing is 'babysteps' ie don't try and fix it all at once.

You are not alone! Enjoy your wine. How amazing that you've done so much today! (I love your name btw).

Well done, furry. Write down everything you havevdone so far and cross it out. Satisfaction guaranteed!

have done. Bloody predictive text!

Amazing support - well done to the MN Scrubbers!

Crying at this again! Well done Jax, Laurie, OP and the secret one. WOW.

I am proud to be a Mumsnetter today.

Well done for making a start Furry. Don't let the lack of hot water put you off. You can always boil a kettleful and carefully add it to a bowl of cold water. Be cautious about testing the resulting water temp - but it might help you speed through the backlog a little faster.

Let´s make sure this thread doesn`t disappear. There´s more that we can all do tomorrow. Baby steps each day and all our houses will be wonderful, clean, happy places for Christmas.
sniff, gulp, small happy sob

Well done you 4!! Very well done... It may not be finished but it sounds like you've made an amazing start and hopefully the OP feels she will be able to continue.

What a marvellous Christmas present you have given the OP and her husband.

And good for you too furry, you CAN do it!

Furry, there is what started off as a Hoarder's thread (due to the OP's mother being an extreme example) on MSE, which has turned into an incredibly supportive thread for people who, for whatever reasons, have had trouble keeping their house in the state they'd like.
It's really long now, but a quick glance will show you that you are far from alone:
forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=4007961

Have they reported back with any cleaning updates yet? Fab thread.

Oh wow! What a day! I feel completely drained yet so "up" all at the same time! These women are amazing, as are all of you who have posted words of support on this thread!

My kitchen is now sparkling and my bathroom not far behind, I have started to sort through the mountains of crap in my lounge and I just feel so much more hopeful than I did before.

(And the casserole is gone!)

I have never seen anyone clean like these three ladies can clean. It was like a whirlwind going through my flat. A cheerful, laughing whirlwind of steam and bleach and j cloths etc.

Furry I have received your PM. Well done for also bravely making a start today. I will reply to you later when I have managed to collect my thoughts a bit.

Again, I Love you all and would like to send to each and every one of you