Today I Am Packing A Bag And Leaving

[DoneWithItAllNow]

I can't do this anymore. I have been taking a cocktail of antidepressants and beta blockers for two years plus having counselling for depression and anxiety and I was just starting to think things were getting better.

Then I properly opened my eyes and looked around me. I saw the state of this flat, what I have been subjecting my disabled husband to for the past 18 months. Oh my God, I am so ashamed and I can't believe I am writing this but I need someone to judge me and tell me how terrible I am and it will be best coming from strangers over the Internet.

My house is a shit-tip. I don't mean a mess, I mean an absolute shit tip. And I can't face doing anything about it. We have not used our kitchen for 18 months. It is a mess of washing up never done, mould and dead flies. We do not even make tea in there and DH has a microwave ready meal each night cooked in a microwave so filthy that I am surprised I have not poisoned him. I live on biscuits, cabs of coke, whatever I can keep in the lounge. There is a leftover chicken casserole in my fridge that I cooked in May 2010 for fuck sake.

I cannot face dealing with it. The rest of the flat is no better. There are piles of washing everywhere as all I have washed is underwear and essential work stuff.

I called a cleaning company to ask for help. I wanted to see how much they would charge just to sort the kitchen. The lady who came out told me nobody will do it. Apparently it is classed as "gross filth" and I would have to employ a specialist team "like you see on Grime Squad." I know I could never afford that.

This place is damp and falling apart. The landlord doesn't care and we need to move. Seven months ago I had a ceiling fall in but I can't tell the landlord as he will come round and I can't let him see this place in this state.

So today I am packing a bag and leaving. I don't know where yet but I have to go. It is either that or something more drastic. DH will be better off without me. I have no real friends but I know that people will rally round to help the poor disabled man who's wife has left him with this to deal with. It will be better for all of us.

I can't believe I let things get like this. I don't know why I am posting this. I just need to get it in writing somewhere.

Oh my goodness, tears are falling reading this!

Laurie, Jax and The Other One? ( ) you are superstars. You've warmed my heart, truly.

OP, I have depression too - you must not, repeat MUST NOT, blame yourself for this situation. The only way is forwards now, OK? Move forward xx

Well, I was asleep through most of this thread (NZ) but what a wonderful thread to wake up to.

I can't help obviously, but I look forward to updates and wish you all the best.

You lovely lot of vipers.

I live miles away so can't physically help, but I've suggested MN Towers talk to their friends at Method and see if they can wangle cleaning products for the OP, Laurie & Jax. Lovely Kate Mumsnet is going to ask so 'no pressure' Method but we're all counting on you!

I'll be with you in spirit. I have a stack of metaphorical unwashed dishes that I have been ignoring. The 15 minute rule rules!

Oh what a lovely thread.

I think we all recognise the feeling in your OP, of life getting tough and letting something slide a bit and all of a sudden it's unsurmountable.
With me it's not cleaning, but admin. I panic about openin emails, bank statements, that sort of thing. Some work emails I haven't opened for a year

Good luck tomorrow. Can't wait to hear about it :)

What an amazing thread, good luck OP and the Cleaning Angels

Great idea, ATruth COME ON METHOD!!!

What a great thread! Take before and after photos (for yourself, not us!) To remind yourself how far you have come. :)

Well done to jax and laurie!

So excited for you OP for your new life about to start! You have done the hard work by battling through sucky depression (have had it severely so know how hard it is to do anything at all) and now you are being rewarded for your hard slog by others helping you. You deserve it- have some champers and a lindor when ur finished!

I know this isn't on the same scale but I just wanted to say that my house was an utter tip and it really got on top of me. Piles of stuff everywhere. Over the last 6 months I have basically worked through the house, chucking almost everything into bin bags to throw away and arranging storage. I have been ruthless and only kept a few things. I feel so different now, it has really helped declutter my head! good luck. You can do it and soon you will be addicted to throwing things out!

Can you drive bags of rubbish to the local dump? Also bag up better stuff for charity shops and deliver.

If you need more help please pm me the area, I think I'm close too. (different county but if my geography isn't too shit, you might be quite close). :)

I'm not tearing up at the thread, it's hayfever ok?

I really wish I lived near you to help...in an odd way,I'm jealous of the girls who are meeting up with you....you are all going to feel bloody fantastic when you see the results!!

Well done,Donewithitfor having the balls to open up.And well done to the ladies who hopped in and restore my faith in the sisterhood

Oh! I can use this on this thread without being pass-ag.

OP

You are doing fantastically well, well done. And well done too for sticking your hand up when needed some help. Once things are organised you might find the Flylady approach helpful, the website gives tips on making all housework jobs manageable. Sorry if I'm repeating what some else has already said. and

Well done too to Laura Jax and the other MNer. I would join you but I'm half way round the planet. You lot had me sniffling in the coffee shop this afternoon, and you call yourselves vipers - pah!

You lot are fab :)

well done for helping and accepting help x x

How wonderful . I know how bad things can get with depression, you have no motivation to do things, and then the things not being done overwhelm you and make you feel worse! But you CAN do it, and how fantastic to have some lovely mumsnetters to help kick start the way to your happier house and happier you xx

I know I'm late to the party but my house is EXACTLY the same :(

I am so glad Laurie and the others have offered to help - you're gonna break the back of it, for sure

Lovely thread!

Ahhh great thread! Where are you Lewisfan - so many keen means on this thread - one might be able to help?

beans agrrgh

I'll be thinking of you all tomorrow. DoneItAllNow you can do this!

A wonderful thread

This thread has made me feel so warm despite the weather.

You lovely lot

Well done OP, on accepting help. It's a sign of strength x

This thread sums up why I just LOVE Mumsnet!

Bloody vipers