50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

[TiggyD]

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

I really like fridakahlo's ending

Me too. Let it end, please!

...and the sound of the the fire station alarm slowly turned into the sound of Beverly's alarm clock. She rolled over and stopped the ringy bit. She thought about everything she and Bernard had been through together and wished that he hadn't been part of her dreams and had been real. Which he wasn't. He gently farted and swung her feet out of bed and searched for her slippers, but realised they too were a dream. Just like Bernard was. Because she dreamt him up. Because she was a librarian and they don't get much action.
After breakfast and stuff, she put her hair up into a bun, like all librarians have and left the house. She opened the garden gate and walked to her car which she kept in front of the house opposite when, bugger me, she bumped into a chap causing her to drops the books which I forgot to mention she had.
"I'm so sorry" Said the bloke.
"That's all right. I like bumping into people" Said Beverly. "What's your name?"
"My name is Bernard" Said the real man who wasn't a dream...

The End.

Or is it?

My mum gave me her copy. The person who normally passes on copies of Woman's Weekly and Best, or "why having fun will kill you" articles cut out of the Express/Mail. And DD1 has downloaded it to her Kindle. (She is 19, before you tell me IABVU!)

"That can't be the end for us can it, Berrrrrnard?" sighed Beverley, rolling her rs at him.

"my name is bernard" said the real man who wasn't a dream. He blethered and stuttered and just made a whole performance of trying to retrieve Bev's books from the floor. "oh, im so sorry Miss, really, im just so clumsy, sorry sorry" "its ok, really" said Bev. The man sort of of piled the books up in Bev's arms and scampered away like a frightened mouse.............

And they all lived happily ever after

So, to repost what I said on page 4:

Should we turn this into a film first or a musical? Maybe we should do the film, then turn the film into a musical, then do a film of the musical!?

Actors for the role of Bernard:
Jude law?
David Tennant?
Brian Blessed?
John Travolta?

Actresses for Beverly:
Judy Dench?
Katie Holmes?
Bella Emburg if alive?
Holly Willybe?

Oh Brian blessed definitely and kthy Burke. What has hppebed to Bella emburg?

Still going I believe. And had a role in Z cars with Brian Blessed, so there might be some chemistry there...

To quote Boris Johnson (Telegraph article on Monday 2nd) with regard to banning swimming in the Thames .."this is the kind of gratuitous legislation that is sapping the moral fibre of the nation. No wonder the poor womenfolk of Britain - desperate for some basic virility in their lives - are stampeding to the bookshops to buy the new S and M meissterwerk that is Fifty Shades of Grey.
So, we can blame it all on 'elf and safety'!!! and have thumbs up from Boris! Lol!

nice one Boris.
My 18 year old DD has read 1 and 2 - boy is she in for a let down when she finds out its not really like that
What do you mean, it is really like that?

I don't think I'd enjoy a 'thumbs up' from Boris Johnson.

The only good thing to come out of reading that dreadful book is the fact that it makes this thread sooo much funnier

Depends on the size of his thumbs, I suppose!

I still say she shouldn't use that mooncup again, not after it's been through a goat

I definitely wouldn't use Bernard again after he has been in the goat

I'll never look at a goat's cheese baguette in the same way, either.

Between this and 50 sheds of grey on twitter, I'm giving myself a hernia laughing so much, DH thinks I've finally cracked.

Thank you xx

Am in the 3rd trimester and thought I would get contractions I laughed so much when reading this thread. It's much better than the silly books, and it's a shame that it, perversely, encouraged people to go and buy them. I mean, they can only end up disappointed.

I admit that the start is very promising, but by the time you are into the second one you realise that it was an empty promise, and that the protagonists have just about two coping / coupling mechanisms each to deal with whatever ludicrous plot development throws at them, and it dawns on you that yes, their mechanical fuckery is erotically on par with cleaning out the fridge, and then somehow, against your better judgement you find yourself engrossed in the third one. But only so much as to skim read the content, with a sarcastic commentary running at the back of your mind whilst hoping against hope for. Some. Kind. Of. A. Redeeming. Feature. Please. and for it to live up to its initial promise/ media hype. When you turn the last page you have to face up to it, nope it was really that shite. The End.

given the way the second one ends, is there any reason to buy the third one?

Can anyone actually think if a decent erotic novel? Do say! Because that was the literary equivalent of gorging on a bucketload of Quality Street when all you wanted was a bit of 90% coca with nibs.

Fifty Sheds ? Catch up, chaps

Oops - above not intended to contradict Malificence's post. Underlying intention was to say that this thread is terrific .

Actually, whoever brought up Boris - how about Boris as Bernard in the stage version? He could be Bernard/Boris, and whilst he's at it with Beverly he could do a bit of simultaneous mayoring of London.