50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

[TiggyD]

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

Bev checked with Helga and was astonished to discover that all she needed was biological washing powder and some Veet.

Bernard came, and then came into into the room. He was astonished at the sparkling rooms, particularly the kitchen. He felt randy as the washing machine whizzed on a 90 degree cleaning cycle. He twitched his hips and his slacks slunk lower. He felt his manhood stir as Beverley bent over to open the dishwasher

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE YOU FUCKING SICK BITCH!!!"
he yelled, and threw up as he saw the Loo Brushes glistening wet and clean in the dishwasher.

Bernard realised Beverley was a dirtier sicker individual than even he.

After applying her college degree-learned skill of reading to the FlyLady site, and having perused Good Housekeeping MN forum, the torture dungeon, kitchen and boh were soon sparkling like a vampire on a summer's day. Next, Bev clicked on Style and Beauty for some thoughts on how to accessorise Ben wa balls with Per Una gowns, and the Tack Room to work out how to care for crops and lunging whips. Finally, she took a deep breath and posted her first AIBU?

Perhaps she should have phrased it better, for the response made her flaps curl. Biting her lip, she reposted it in Relationships.

Same again.

Perhaps Chat would be more sympathetic?

Hmmmmm.

Adult fiction? Feminism? Frantically she scrolled down, hoping for affirmation of her choices. But even a reverse AIBU failed to get the response she hoped for.

Oh dear. What should she do?

(that should read bog, not boh, sorry)

Damn you all - am also off to download - in spite of better judgement!

I feel slightly ill at the prospect that anything I've written here might have caused anyone to go and download the book. Please don't - its truly rubbish - still is infinitely better!

this - not still - fail

Beverely read the 227th response to her post - the MNers were still telling her to leave the b*stard. But surely they didn't understand? Bernard has serious self-confidence issues, and it is Beverly responsibilities to belittle herself in order to make him feel bigger...

Dances I have decided, I will not buy the book or download, I will have to read it though, I will scour the local bins Charity Shops, I just have to know how crap it is.

I mean, I already know it's crap, I just need to be able to categorically state to my friends who believe it is AMAZING and highly erotic, that it is utter shite. Until I've read it, my argument has no weight behind it!

I fully get you SmellySocks - that is why I read it. I had to see what the fuss was about. Sadly I am now 2/3rd of the way through the third one, as I cannot leave a story unfinished, no matter how bad it is

I downloaded in the full knowledge it would be dreadful. I'm so looking forward to telling anyone who thinks it has any worth. But "chopsticks" did swing it for me

cassandraparkin.wordpress.com/2012/05/29/adventures-in-trash-fifty-things-that-annoy-me-about-fifty-shades-of-grey/

Beverly chewed the empty void where her lower lip used to be and decided to seek the support of the campers. Maybe one of them would give her guidance in correct knotting and tensioning of guy ropes.

When the tent was restrained in the way that made both Beverley and Bernard gasp, Beverley turned to Bernard and with a glint in her eyes that made her lower lip melt, said: 'Bernard I want you to sign up for some funky kickery'.

Excellent thread. I think that reading this plus the wikipedia entry sorts out anything you needed to know about this book.

Bernard on his Casio. Beverley's inner goat herd yodelled. Oh my.

I tried to buy this in tesco tonight, but the woman said that despite three deliveries today they have sold out - i blame you all!!!!

I did pick up number three and flicked through it, and as someone said, this thread is better written!

Abandoning the ropes she braced herself mentally and gushed at Bernard (who was a the time broodingly perusing his masculine form in the mirror room like so many Dorian Grays before him).

"I'm pregnant" she ejaculated emulating her literary heroine, Jane Eyre, in a desperate attempt to acquire any sort of credible identity.

Bernard's intense startlement shattered the mirror with a bolt of pure rage. "What have you done, you stupid cunt!" he bellowed instantaneously rejecting any sense of responsibility whilst simultaneously asserting himself by belittling her passive procreative powers. "Now the presence of an innocent infant will make our doings look really pointless in a silly sort of way, and make our paper relationship leave its current realms of utter improbability and jettison it into the galactically absurd regions".

Beverly gnawed on the remaining tatters of her lip and although her middle lane throbbed as it allays did in response to his tantrooming behaviour, the newly fomed impediment of a miniscule foetus now diverted the path of that erotic impules like a mni internal tens machine from its predestined course and she discovered she had a backbone of sorts.

"It's finished Bernard" she whispered. "I must now abase myself to you. Instead I will focuss all my being on serving the potentiality of our future offspring."

Her vaginal juices dried up emphatically for once and she marched out of the room the apartment the continent whilst Bernard howled in frustration at this turn of events for the better part of the current milenia.

Her inner goddess sulked and imagined all the great shagging she was going to miss out on, but she was drowned out by the whooping, cheering and high-fivery from her ego, inner feminist, self esteem and common sense. She stuck her head back into the tent - Oh, and I'm taking all of the appliances in the utility room as alimony.

And Beverly had a beautiful baby girl who she lived with in happiness and maternal bliss forever and ever.
Bernard, on the other hand, developed a medical condition that caused his ejuculate to start eating away at him from the inside.
Using his many millions, he managed to find a cure by the time it had reached his neck. So Bernard spent the rest of his life being a head wheeled around on a hostess trolly.
The End.

I haven't read it yet either but am aghast to report that I have been given all three books - BY MY MOTHER! My AGED mother. And, let me add, they are the first books she has read in years. My step Dad has developed a worrying tic and a cowed look in his eyes.

and me Jackie, i have just found out my DD has downloaded all three books onto her ipad and the bloody cow wont lend it to me!! Im not sure its the sort of thing i need to know she has been reading!!

Bernard slowly lowered her lacy pink panties, breathing heavily as he did so. He kneaded the soft pink flesh below, wiping away drops of sweat and stickier stuff. His fingers ran through the lush, velvety hair to that special place. Concentrating now, he moved his fingers gently, taking care not to go too fast. Just then, she screamed. ?Oi, why have you got my pants on again, you filthy pervert??

Bloody amazing thread. I bought 50 shades when it first came out and chucked it in the recycling after 10 pages. I should've kept it! We should have a MN copy that gets sent round anyone who is interested so they can read it without the humiliation of buying it!

I am going to download the free sample onto my Kindle. Then I am going to delete it before anyone sees I've got it.