50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

[TiggyD]

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

As Bev minced wetly and hotly in a mincy hot fashion out of the door, Bernard growled as he noticed what Bev had been looking at on MN.

She had left her dripping wet laptop wide open and Bernard spied the words 'Blue' and 'Waffle' followed by 'Dragonbutter' before he was rugby tackled to the ground by Bev who screamed 'NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Don't look!!!' while trying to simultaneously bite her lip, flick back her auburn hair teasingly and have a multiple orgasm.

(BTW 'fucky kinkery' ....ARF!!!!)

With that she tossed him a frilly apron. "Take your clothes off now and put on the apron!" she demanded. Bernard had never had a woman speak to him like this before. He really wanted to refuse but there was a glint in Beverly's eyes that he was rather frightened about.

Bernard put took off his clothes and put on the apron.

"Right, go and polish the living room whilst I go to the bookshop. I will be inspecting it when I get back and if I find the slightest bit of dust you will be punished Bernard!" said Beverly coolly.

'Trench foot'! Wonderful- brilliant thread

"NOT NOW BERNARD!"
Ahh ha ha ha
best line in the whole damn novel.
Oh. My. I have just exploded. Shudderingly.

Oh Beverley, sighed Bernard. You are so bootiful when you're angry.

Beverly looks over at bernard and her heart melts she kneels before him, looks lovingly into his eyes and says what she knows he wants to hear "Baste me"

Bernard limped towards her, brandishing a turkey baster...

Bev grabbed him in a rugby tackle from her kneeling positon, and threw him onto the buttery floor. Seizing the foil and cling film, she wrapped him firmly and began to wedge him into the bottom oven of the Aga.

'Fucking slow cooker is too quick for you, you tiresome tyrant. My inner goddess and I are off to self-determine and I won't be back, helicopter or no helicopter, droopy drawers or not.'

She pirouetted unsubmissively out of the door, humming a Gloria Gaynor riff.

Could the tables finally be turning?

Beverly came back from the bookshop, her bag shuddered as she put it down in the hall. She found Bernard in the kitchen, even in the apron he looked amazing. It fitted his auburn hips perfectly.

She pushed him roughly against the Miele in the futility room. Beverly knew bernard was rich and powerful as he had the 5902 and it's 1400 spin cycle. He thrusted his manly hips mannishly. Her sex quivered.

Persil Non-Bio capsules spilled everywhere, Beverly bit her chin and her brazillian wax moistened. This is why Tracey is jealous she thought, he's got a futility room and he's all mine.

"as we have been bumping uglies for a few chapters now Beverley, I think it is time you met my parents" Bernard said after a heavy session of potato bashing.

Pulling up to his parents house, Beverley gasped at the sure size of it. His parents house was also big.

As they walked through the front door, Bev was jumped on by Shania-lee, Bernard's younger sister. Held in a deep embrace, she could just make out a lady she assumed was his mother, walking in carrying a bowl of Pom bears.

Have we got to the point at which some crazy burd comes shrieking in with a gun and there's a bit of alluded-to incest? Or something like that?

I think 5inthebed is doing more than alluding! Big house? Pom bears - i have a mental image of "bernard" as David Walliams and the "mother" offering Bitty .............reaches for the brain bleach

Bernsrd was dyill concerned, in a dlightly concerned manner, sbiut Beverly. He didnt like the idea of her worm turning.

He whispered his concerns into her ear.

"oh bernard, never fear. I saw the Dr and he diagnosed cuntworms. Those are the only turning worms".

Bernard happily sighed inwardly and trotted offf to get the family parrot for a bit of find the worm.

The penguin took his chance and sneaked out the backdoor.

FFS Should read "Bernard was still concerned, in a slightly concerned manner, about Beverly.

Beverly but her lips at the parrot. The pelican started to eat the worms.

Bit

at 'Cunt: A Declaration Of Independence'

Beverly stood in the entrance hall of the tiny council house, parrot and penguin fussing about her person, more than a little stunned. Is that Jeremy Kyle his sister is watching? How had a man as sophisticated as Bernard, with a full utility room and lakeland drawer organisers sprung from this den of mediocrity?

"Oh, he is so complex" she sighed, and her inner goddess smarted at her inner feminist - "See its more than fucky kinkery, we need to try and understand him". Her inner feminist said "Whatever ho" and went back to the opening pages of Cunt: A declaration of Independence"

Beverley's brain interjected, you know inner goddess and inner feminist you could work together in this.

"oh Fuck of brain!" hissed Beverley's Inner Giddess and Beverley's inner feminist. "don't let the door hit you in the way out".

And Beverley's brain did exactly that. and when it got there, it fucked off a little bit more

Infact Beverley's brain had indeed fucked off to the far side of fuck .

Now again brainless Bev spotted the well known woman hating tabloid ....ah , that explains a lot , she thought to her self . Then disappointedly sat down to read about Peter I love my kids Andre .

Looking for the crap tips section , then realised she was looking in the wrong publication . (sigh) If only I could find some tips on what to do with shackles and bondage tape in a new yet practical way ...perhaps tethering climbing plants ?
Bev was getting plans for the red room to be redecorated , perhaps in neutral colours with twigs and pebbly shit.

The red rug in the red room had a little Roomba scuttling back and forth.

Bernard failed to see it and fell arse over tit, landing heavily on the pleather sofa.
"I've fallen on my keys" he gasped, eyes watering.

Beverly felt her inner goddess boiler ignite. "Real pain is when you step on Lego with a bare foot, Bernard".

Bernard whimpered. His dolphin had been spanked, or rather spiked by the Yales and penguin key fob.

Beverly licked her lips and shuddered to a crescendo, not because Bernard was writhing in pain. Oh no. Beverly had to have a Roomba.

Bev sighed, she was a little bored now. She got out her leaflet for the local feminist book club and had a read. She sure did like being a feminist and was even thinking about posting a question on the the feminism board on Mumsnet.

Bernard walked into the room. Bev's inner goddess swooned at his gorgeousness. Her inner feminist stuck her middle finger up and him.

Bernard's mum Edna came in and sat down next to Bernard. "Please help yourself to pombears Beverly" she said. "You're so lucky to have my Bernard. He is such a nice boy.Wouldn't hurt a fly. He still sends his washing home to his old Mum, don't you BernieWernie!" cooed Edna whilst patting her son's knee.

ha ha I am going to have to read shades of Grey now, just for a laugh. Excellent novel so far :)

But after a few days staying at his parents' house, Bernard had an almighty row with his mother, who threw him and Beverley out, telling them to grow up and be more responsible. In an act of masterful petulance, Bernard persuaded Beverley that they could live outside his parents' house in the (now rather shabby) black BMW that he had bought her.
And so every day, Beverley bit her lip while Bernard masterfully filled her inner goddess with his throbbing length over the busted-up pleather interior of the BMW, and afterwards they went for icecreams to the local icecream van, wearing matching fluffy PJs that hung from their hips in that way. Every so often they would notice a woman peering at them from her bathroom window and typing frantically on a laptop.

They had also unintentionally started a parking war between Bernard's parents and their next door neighbour .

The neighbour was a man in his mid forties who was incensed that Bernard had parked in front of his parents house , as previously the man had claimed that spot as his own. ( dispite having a double driveway which he never used ) .

and a sign in his drive way that said no turning