50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

[TiggyD]

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

Bernard rose to the occasion manfully and prepared to cif Bev's fanjo back to life.

Bernard how can we be alive? Asked Beverley.
Bernard twinkled and brooded, Beverley fancied a steak tartare.

Hmmmmm it appears due to the many wholes in the plot another entire plot fell in to our sordid take my little wank badgeress. Thankfully we have reawakend as vampires.

"well that explains why the waters so cold" said Beverly radiating with recently applied sparkly pan-stick.

Beverley went to the kitchen to suck on Jesus.

Having found cif was no good for manky-fangoness , Bernard decided to give it a good spray of cilit bang , obviously his eyes being recently returned to him , he misread the label as clit bang .

Beverly loved her sparkly clean clit so much she bit her lip

The lips on her face were almost gone , so she started biting the other ones .
Bernard was impressed .

"All those years of practising yoga have paid off" said Beverly
"I can bend by body in all sorts of positions"

sorry typo - I can bend my body

Beverley then felt angry because of something one of Bernard's exes had written on Facebook. But she had more sex with him anyway.

Well, i wasn't expecting THAT OP!!!!!! And why why WHY do i always miss all the fun!

Bernard, alarmed at Beverley's obsession with Aldi, Lidl, Dyson hoovers, Fruit shoots and steam mops, decided that he did need her to sign the contract afterall. But how should he approach this with her, afterall it had now been 6 days, he bit his lip for a change

Bernards ex was called Justine, her father was also rich and expensively powerful....and he had a title, the Marquis de Sade.

Beverlys sex shrivelled a little bit but her inner goddess oiled it back to life with bio oil left over from the nipple clamp maintenance wash.

Beverly washed the goat and wrapped him in a microfibre hair turban, he really was getting a bit crusty.

.... said Beverly, who was getting a little tired of all the sex and wanted to have a look at a particularly good AIBU thread on Mumsnet.

Bernard became all masterful again and removed Beverly's hands from the computer keyboard. He pulled at the computer lead until it came out of the socket. He tied her to the legs of the desk using the lead. Beverly bent over the desk, her minge getting wetter and wetterby the second. "I am going to put my huge dongle into your USB socket Beverly" growled Bernard.

'Oh, Bernard, must you keep enticing me into fucky kinkery whilst I'm trying to read?' said Bev from her uncomfortable position. 'My sex is getting quite sore now and I'm growing tired of exploding around your mighty erection.'

'Fine then', sulked Bernard, untying her hands. 'But don't blame me if I start exchanging saucy emails with Mrs Robinson again. She may be thirty years my senior but she keeps her apex greased up awaiting my return.'

her circuits shorted as a result. After the acrobatics were over she realised she had an enter key attached to her muffin top and had posted "Leave the bastareeeeekvnxlmnclnbdfzbnfzxklbnxclknvxlckvnxclnblnbsd nfcdfzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz on a thread

Bernard looks at Bev with a glint in his eye - and nods his head towards the bench, expecting Bev to "assume the position" for a empowering "punishment", but bev is busy with her Take a Break magazine and having spent some time with MNet she finds some inner strength to look him in the eye and say "NOT NOW BERNARD"

In dire need of some emergency canesten, Beverley rang the GP. She was distracted from the endless menus by the insistent itch of her voracious sex. Fortunately she realised that this was due to fungal colonisation rather than rapacious lust and stayed on the line long enough to get an appointment for some time in the middle of the 22nd century.

D'oh thread moves much too fast!

Beverly bit her lip as she pondered a tricky question "WIBU to give up work and be a SAH sub? Is it possible to WOH and be a good sub at the same time?". Luckily, she didn't need to ponder this for long - she realised she couldn't possibly WOH as Bernard wouldn't untie her legs from the desk.....

She pondered posting something on the femenism boards but they got distracted by the cable tied burn on her ankle...

Beverly was feeling a little despondent with her life and her lover. Afterall Bernard was starting to get on her tits, and her vagine, and her arse. "Oh bloody hell Bernard, leave me alone and untie my legs you randy bastard!" cried Beverly, who was starting to feel a whole lot less submissive now.

Was it possible that her brain was regaining consciousness having been knocked by her libido several days before? And that her ego was also ready to stop hiding in the corner?

Bernard untied her legs and then sat in the nearest chair looking rather broody.
"Those effing feminists on the Mumsnet forum have turned your head, you've gone all assertive Beverly, that isn't in the contract!" shouted Bernard.

This displeases me. It makes my palm itchy. Don't roll your eyes at me or I'll find another domestic appliance to spank you over!

"Fuck you and everything you stand for Bernard" Beverly replied, feeling rather militant now.

"I am going to the local bookshop to buy "Cunt: A declaration of independence"

She walked out of the room slamming the door as she went. On the way out she shouted " Oh and just to let you know - I now declare that my cunt is independent, you arsepigeon"

'I think you'll find the worm has turned, Bernard darling', replied Bev silkily. Putting on her hat and coat, she elegantly turned to look at his astounded face.
'But.. You must stay here and turn MY worm!'