50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

[TiggyD]

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

Three minutes later, the result of the test was back. You can put a rush on these things if you're rich and powerful enough. And Bernard had most of his money hiding in the Channel Islands under his grandma's bed.

'great news Beverly' he growled erotically. 'turns out I've never even met your mum so I'm not your father after all. Plus we're the same age so it wouldn't have made sense anyway.'

'However,' he continued, after a few minutes of his inner creepazoid pushing the SPUNK lever in his brain, or bollocks, or oh crap they're fairly interchangeable aren't they? He shook an extra pint or two of jizz out of the bottom of his ever so heterosexual silk suit trousers that had been hanging a bit too low on his hips. You know, cos of all the jizz in them.
'However,' he repeated because I am a Proper Author and know that I have to remind my readers of everything that happened when I have gone off on some digression or other - Woo! Foofoo! Cocksnot! Tess of the Doobervilles is a proper book isn't it? I think I read it once and thought of it as inspirational even though they all die in the end.

The penguin looked unimpressed , Bev bit of far up her lip she ended up chewing her nose.

Mr Grey looked around for the plot and suddenly roared masterfully in a masterful manner, 'Who needs a plot? What I need is your arse on a stick, pass me those kebab skewers and a nine-volt battery.'

Her twinkle farted with excitement.

'However', he continued yet again. 'I never meant to fall in love with you, this was meant to be a casual albeit contractually obligational bang situation... But here we are. Your way with penguins, goats, lip biting and hump time have entranced my brain and hips in a way I never thought possible, especially when you consider how monumentally fucked up I am. Beverly, you are my goddess.'
'Inner or outer?' asked Bev in confusion.

'Doesn't matter, I can jizz on both of you. Internal, external and right up your nose and all.' Down his hips slid his slacks and his socks disappeared by magic because he never does that hopping-on-one-leg-pulling-off-socks thing, and nor does he keep his socks on when he's playing hide the sausage with her, neither, because that's so totes unromo u know.

Footnote: One of his socks would later magically reappear in the clean laundry. The other would never be seen again...

'it's so fab that we can start a brand new type of relationship, except I haven't had any kind of relationship before and you have only had controlling stalkery ones where you whip women and give them cars and follow their every move and tell them what to eat and when to sleep and how they can't see any of their friends. Oh, hang on.'

Bev turned , whilst biting something , and switched on the laptop . Flashing up on the screen was yanbu ...leave the bastard ! .

If only the nest of vipers would understand Bernard was more than his penetrating eyes and ever sliding downward trousers .

Bernard knew that in order to keep Bev under control interested he would have to come up with something special. Eyes a gleam he headed out to the neighbours shed bungalow and returned triumphant with a leather look pouffe and a wet pebble. Bev's bits dance the lambada like J-Lo.

"Beverly" Bernard bellowed "You have me all wrong. Yes I'm masterful, rich, powerful, majestic and lots of other describing words but you can leave at any time. Now let me tighten those shackles on you."

Plop! yes it is, isn't it? Through the letterbox came an invitation to a fetish club, because all fetish club promoters, like Bev, are too fictional to be able to use email and have unlimited funds to spend on stamps.
'You'll have to wear a mask,' ordered Bernard, orderously. Bev bit her own foofoo and wondered if the paper bag with a face drawn on that her last dysfuctional boyfriend she'd forgotten about, had left, behind, might still fit over her fat stupid head.

Beverley craftily crafted a mask from a paper plate and some string. She used wool for hair and drew on a smiley face.

'I bet the other fetishers have spent loads more on professional masks but I think homemade fancy dress is better' she said as Bernard came at her rampantly with some sticky backed plastic.

'you smell so good' he reiterated for the hundredth time.

'I've been using vinegar in the wash'

'I must have you. I also right fancy a fish supper.'

'it's not take away night!' gasped Bev gaspingly as her inner goddess line danced slightly out of time.

Bev obediently and pliantly bent over for further thrashing she didn't get off on, as Bernard wielded a belt in a supportive, empowering manner, to demonstrate his adoration of her new goddess status.

'Already our relationship is getting stronger', she squeaked. 'Youve bought me a different sort of car to the ones you bought your last fifteen subs! And instead of banning me from working, you've bought the company!'

• "You enchant me Bev" said Bernard,
• "You've enchanted me from the moment I first set eyes on you as you fell into my Powerful Enterprise"

Oh.

My.

Bev realised she hadn't had rough kinky fuckery for a few posts. But then Bernard penetrated her with his penatating eye in a really penetrating way.

Bev was so wet she slipped and skidded into the Travertine bathroom, sending bottles of REN morrocan rose oil flying everywhere.

"bath with me.Now" ordered Bernard
"why do we have to have so many baths and showers together?" asked Bev askingly.....her inner goddess lifted the turbot and put her fingers over her nose

As they sank beneath the foam, she was vaguely aware of Bernard whispering something.."Where's the soap?"
"Yes it does, doesn't it" she gasped in reply

Bev exploded with more fizz than a Lush bathbomb as Bernard set about her with his electric toothbrush at maximum power.
"Holy Crap" Must remember my appointment with the hygenist" thought Bev, rolling her eyes in minty ecstasy.

Unfortunately, because electricity and water don't mix which makes it a really bad idea to stick an electric toothbrush up anyone's doofer, let alone doing so underwater, both Bev and Bernard were electrocuted and died horribly. They weren't found until they were decomposed into a pile of stinking sludge, but at least it was mingled mingingness, so you could say that finally two became one.
The end.
Until the bank account needs another boost in which case it will be Bev and Bernard II - Stick your Finger up my Zombie Arse, the Zombie Plan Fuckfest.

Bev was so wet - from the bath water. She realised in horror that she had spent alot time of being wet recently. She looked down and realised that her sex wasn't looking too good.

"Bernard! Look at my vagine" cried Bev. Bernard had a good look. He desperately tried to think back to his days of learning about world war one in GCSE History. "I think your sex has got trench foot caused by all the damp and unsanitary conditions that your fanjo has been living in" he said in an authoritative manner.

"What shall we do Bernard?" sobbed Beverly.

I'm wondering whether to read this to my children. I'm sure they would enjoy it but I don't know if Bernard and Beverley are suitable role models. I'm also thinking of incorporating fruit shoots into my sex life, any advice?

Hang on, are they dead or not?