50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

[TiggyD]

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

As her down there palpitated, with.palpitations, beverley 's breath got breathier as she breathed. She wasn't quite a zombie yet. She was now torn, literally in her aching anus, and figuratively in her mind. Her inner goddess did the dosie do with straw in her hair. On the one hand she wanted to obey her man and find his goat. That was what he had just asked her to do you see. On the other hand she was still horny as fuck, especially looking at how his flannel pants dangled off his erection. Bev had two hands you see, one on the left and one on the right. Or at least she had done before her arm fell off and Bernard acquired it for spanking purposes. Oh this was so hot! My. Arm. Belongs. To. You. She panted at Bernard. " What are you on about?" He tried to gla re coldly but the lack of eyes prevented him from doing so. Bev giggled and bit her lip. "i know what you're doing" Bernard growled " and you know the effect it has on me" he pouted. Bev looked at his sulky little boy face and had at least fifteen orgasms without even being touched.

Briefly Beverley considered the dire warnings from Tracey her lezzie Bezzie best mate that a relationship with Bernard would literally rip her to pieces.

Beverely bit her lip stump. What did she know about relationships with interesting and deep men. Beverley tripped over several red flags in her haste to get to Bernards Majestic Manhood, still glowing from the Veet notforballs cream.

She also had suspicions that someone was documenting her life for a series of books. She heard lots if people congratulating a certain TiggyD for scoring a place in classics. Her middle aisle throbbed with sexy throbbingness.

It's like Beckett for the modern age, this.

Good point, well made miss Boffinmum said Bernard with a twinkle in his socket

Her Inner Goddess channelled customer services and announced over the tannoy of her love "clean up in the middle aisle please, in store cleaner to the middle aisle, customer waiting"

Then, a strapping young man placed yellow cones all around her dripping middle aisle.
For health and safety reasons.

Bev looked around as she was getting hungry. A cucumber took her fancy, and she was tempted to do more than just eat it. She took as much of it's turgid length into her mouth and bit down hard.

This would never happen in Waitrose..

The goat trotted in and returned Bernard's eyes, Bernard blinked furiously at the site of Beverly mouthing the cucumber. He masterfully mastered over to her whilst masterfully masturabating. He had something much better than a cucumber to offer her.

Beverly eyed up the strapping young man lustily and eyeingly. He surely knows how to hand a cone she thought thoughtfully.

She looked at Bernard and his empty eye sockets and then at the strapping young man doing think strappingly and imagined him shirtless.

"Where the fuck did you come from?" she asked inquiringly.
"Im the housekerpers son" he saud musclely. " Dhe s had sn accident. A goat ran out in front of her car causing her to crash. Im filing in so she doesnt lose her job" he explained clearly.

"Hmmm You could fill me in" thought Beverly lusciously. She licked her lips. Her inner goodness licked her liver.

Beverly felt confused. Whst was going on here?

(sorry for typos!)

Bev started thinking outside of her the box, I could keep this young man to ensure my middle aisle is kept moistly mopped, "young man, are you interested in a doggy position?"

Bernard's recently reinserted retinal reyes bulged, just like his tumescent cock .. "I don't just take anyone up the back passage on, I want to see your CV"

Moist Middle I'll aisle Morris thrust his pre prepared CV in front of Bernard's bulges .... (this is Twatrose after all)

"I will wrk hrd kk, I've bin ta school m8 n got 7 GCSE A stars, giss a job in it"

So Bernard took the young man roughly from behind, and frog marched him down Beverly's middle Aisle, where he signed him up for Workfare.
The young man was GLAD of the work, and NOT doing slave labour, as he continued to enjoy his luscious, throbbing Jobseekers allowance, at the expense of THE TAXPAYER.

He thrusted as the bunting flapped around Beverly's cupcakes.

Holy crap! Beverley's inner goddess flipped like a hot, moist and probably inedible pancake as she spied the random items in her middle aisle.

'Oh! Bernard. A pressure washer for only £29.99.' I gasped as I inexplicably changed from 3rd person to 1st person narrative.

Bernard growled. The thought of a gushing hose was too much and Bev immediately came hotly and wetly as her gusset throbbed throbbingly. The strapping young man tutted as he grabbed his mop a second time.

Somewhere a penguin bit his beak and a tent appeared although this time it was not Bernard's but a special offer reduction - £59.89 slashed from £89 with free Gaz stove. Holy crap!

With his newly inserted eyes Bernard was able to give Morris the stink eye.
"Shes all mine" he growled gravelly.

Beverly was overcome with comliness.

Morris sighed and wrung out his mop again.

Into his handy Lakeland "Squizzo" mop bucket.
Bev's inner goddess squizzoed all over the floor at the sight...

The middle aisle was once more awash with juices and cream. Beverly was suddenly aware that her flange must stink of stale and rancid cum. 'oh!' she exclaimed. ' suddenly i feel like a dirty skank'. Bev decided to go home and shower alone for a change. 'oh no you don't' glowered Bernard glowerinhly 'that smell keeps you mine. You. Are. Mine.'

Beverly was still squelching and oozing with all the wetness in her middle aisle. "Bernard come and have a shower with me, we could have great fun with the shower head" she said.

'Gosh!' said Beverely 'All this is making me hungry. I'll just nip across to Greggs for a ...'

'Don't bother..' said Bernard.

(Oh my, bites lip, shuddering climax, AIBU etc etc)

Bernard stood hard and proud in the 3 for a pound and mostly shit aisle in Asda. The reek of sex and desperation hung round his body like a wet weekend in sunny Scunny.

Beverly bit her bloody lip and felt her inner clam quiver. Bernard's slacks were showing the cleft of his walnut shell buttocks.

"Now, Bernard, I need spanking NOW" said Beverly with a ferocious urgency through pufferfish lips.

"Fuck it" thought Bernard. "It is only Asda". His steel python rose to strike as he chose a rather nice flexible fly swatter to do the deed but his mind was on a maintenance service for the washing machine...

Oh god...why did you have to choose those names. My it's me and my dad! Bleeeeee!!

Bernard waited the results of the paternity tests, he wasn't short of fluids to send off. The idea of Beverly being his daughter made him feel excited and masterful.

The goat and penguin looked at the twisted fucker and but their lips. The Penguin realised it shouldn't have lips and hastily spat out Beverley's.