50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

[TiggyD]

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

She scratched her head in confusion.

She had always thought that Lidl was his favourite Central European cheapo supermarket of choice.

Had he really been circling Aldi's aisle of oddness?

'You must understand, Beverly. Aldi have such good prices on Olive oil and really random shit for sale like portable DVD players and a trowel down the middle aisle.'

'I'm just not sure I can trust you anymore now that I know you're not loyal to Waitrose' pouted Bev.

"I'm sorry, I can't resist a bargain and anyway the strap-ons were tripple the price at Waitrose" replied Bernard.

Beberly wasn't sure she wanted a trowel down her middle aisle, but agreed to give it a try as long as he accepted the safe word - "OWWWWWWW!"

'Oh thank god we've found a new word for it, I was so fed up of calling it my sex, apex, and ninny-foo.' said Beverly, as her middle aisle tingled with fascination.

Beverly knew the real reason that Bernard was boycotting waitrose. He was jealous, possessive and couldn't shake the fear that one day Beverley might drive off into the sunset with Jesus in his cabbage van.

Oh her control freak, fucked up, mercurial Bernard. How she loved him.

Thinking of her love for Bernard made the blood pool below her waist, she bit her eye and rolled her lips ...

Bernard's eyes ran up and down Beverly's naked form, then dropped to the floor. His eyes then darted across the carpet and jumped out the cat flap, the little buggers!

Bev bit her lip.

"Bernard, your eyes!" she gasped, her inner goddess doing a tango with a strawberry in its mouth.

She reached out a hand to touch his recently-vacated eye socket. He slapped it away roughly.

.... her middle aisle glistened like it had just been mopped. "Oh Bernard!" she gasped "I'm so wet for you, let me take you now" Beverly started to put on the new strap on, trembling in anticipation.

Bernard's eyes ran down the street, happening to notice that the woman at number 11 had had yet another baby (which she was bottle feeding) and that her boyfriend was obviously living with her. Bernard's eyes happened to know FOR A FACT that this woman was receiving £12345 a month in benefits, paid for by THE TAXPAYER.

"Wait! Let me find my eye balls first" said Bernard. Beverly, however had other balls on her mind.

Bev eyed his eye sockets warily.

Aye aye Captain, sighed her inner crumpet.

her middle aisle glistened like it had just been mopped is the best thing I've ever read, anywhere, ever.

I'm crying.

Bernard insisted on buying her a new summer wardrobe from the Boden catalogue as he needed all his to dress appropriately. Beverley could not believe her luck as she pulled on the a line skirt, sensible t shirt and pink wells while he watched her ravenously from the folding chaser.
"come and sit on this" he murmured seductively and as she lowered her aching behind - they both regretted the tinned rogan Josh - onto the argos special they came simultaneously with the joy knowing they had bought a matching chair for free in the mid season sale.

I have tears of laughter, this is fabulous x

"let me be in charge Bernard" breathed Beverly as she advanced on the newly vacated eye socket, the strapon wiggling seductively.

"WTF is going on?" shouted Bernard blindly.

"Shut yer cakehole Bernie" she gasped malevolently.

His eye socket wept, wetly.

"Happy days" thought Bev happily. "A self-lubing eye socket".

With that she threw caution to the wind uncautiously and plunged the dido deep into the eye socket.

It was a magnificent feat seeing as how Bernard was 6footness of manlihood and she was a petite brunette with brown hair.

"Maybe I should have waited until he was lying down?" she thought thoughtfully as she swung gently from Bernard.

"Maybe I should have used the dildo instead of the crap 90s recording artiste"

(coco - that gave me a giggle)

Bev thoughts happily continued 'Well, better her than the asteroid or boats, but will she be able to resist Bernard's manlihood?' Then her thoughts turned to worry 'How did she get here gasp is she an OW? Is it an emotional affair or more? I cannot let this go on, but I cannot leave the manliest basturd' she threw the dido out, and sent penguins and the goat after her, chasing her into the Victoria Coach Station to meet the poo troll.

Bev, ignoring the red flags that spring up like dandelions around them, goes to find the missing L and missing strap-on, hoping not to ruin her new Boden outfit.

'My love for you is blind and now so am I' quivered Bernard, removing the dildo from his eye socket with a squelch. Bev fell to the floor, damply.

'Oh my, Bernard, you are just like a hero from a British novel' she moaned. 'Mrs Rochester Robinson be damned! AIBU to think we should definitely marry in two books time?'

"Speaking of British novels, Bernie my blind darling, let us constantly say things like 'pram', 'ring someone', and 'smart rucksack', though no American has ever said any of those things in the history of ever."

"Agreed! Now fetch my seeing eye goat," Bernard barked manfully.

Her Down There palpitated.

I am crying with laughter!