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Original poster

The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

293 replies

Honeydragon · 16/08/2011 12:31

I'll start

Never let a toddler drink out a shoe

Never leave face paints unsupervised on a inadequately high surface

If breastfeeding, always return you boob to it's rightful place before answering the door

Do not relent when people say your child will like Knex, it is Satans plaything.

Never let your teen read child rearing books on raising teens, they will use them against you for purposes of evil.

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeydragon · 16/08/2011 23:13

Aaah yes speech.

Dick and Dom is fine, but if you have it on for the 8 year old a lot over the holidays you only have yourself to blame when the 18 month olds limited repitoire of words now includes

BOGIeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!!!!!!

Your eldest will of course encourage this behaviour by replying

5.10 on the Richter scale in a comedy voice Hmm

OP posts:
InfestationofLannisters · 16/08/2011 23:14

Grin at "I work for the government" and other parents thinking that you are a spy. I'm going to tell DS that. It will give credence and gravitas to my pissing about on Mumsnet frequent computer use.

omnishambles · 16/08/2011 23:14

Good MN name that Appalledladders.

Original poster
Honeydragon · 16/08/2011 23:16

Norks

Dh does this ALL THE FUCKING TIME! Ds things "Statues" is a fantastic game Hmm whe dh leaves all 3 of us stuck in the damned car!

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeydragon · 16/08/2011 23:16

when...sorry

OP posts:
rockinhippy · 16/08/2011 23:19

Never leave bucket of dirty fishtank water in bath, mid tank clean, in direct falling path of toothbrushes & leave DC alone for even a second to their clean teeth - the news you hear a few days later may scar you for life Envy (puke face)

serin · 16/08/2011 23:22

Don't repeatedly take your child to the GP because its bum and face are bright orange before checking that your DH is using real baby wipes and not self tanning wipes.

Don't allow DH to teach DC rude songs about their classroom assistant however horrid she is, it will be all around school in a jiffy,

"She's fat, She's round, her bum is on the ground, Mrs H, Mrs H"

caramelwaffle · 16/08/2011 23:58

Glitter and children.

Don't. Just...don't...

startail · 17/08/2011 00:16

Do not stand DD2 on a lower chair than her sister, while you ice her birthday cake, thinking she'll be safer. She will lean over to get a better view and fall between the chairs. The violet bruised eye may have exactly matched her dress, but it did nothing for her birth day pictures.

Never take your eye of DD1, ever.
If it can be climbed it be climbed. If it shouldn't be fiddled with it will be.
You could leave her in a room full of toys and she'd be exploring the ornaments on the book case.
Turn your back and she'd be on the dining table or out of the trolly and on the checkout belt. Trees, ladders, walls, railings, swing frames, anything that isn't designed to be climbed by a small girl will be.

She's 13 and she still fiddles with things and she still scrambles onto walls and up trees.

Mermaidspam · 17/08/2011 00:33

Try to remember that it has been 20+ years since your MIL had to monitor a mischievous 14 month old.

She will leave said child in the hall for at least 5 minutes unobserved, during which time said child will find the red gloss paint your dh had finished painting the front door with 2 days previously (and still not put away) and bathe herself, hall walls, radiator, carpet and your favourite handbag (complete with keys and mobile phone) in it.

(not mine, but a friend's) Grin

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 17/08/2011 00:36

Most brilliant is surely "whatya doin Daddy, are you doin a poo or is it just a farty?" during communion. Well done, Bumps, if you can survive that you can probably survive anything.

guestwriter · 17/08/2011 02:14

Serin you have just made me cry with laughter with the self-tanning wipes. Priceless!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 17/08/2011 04:14

Don't empower your child by creating a delightful, playful space for its toys and crafts, delineating the space from the surrounding wood floors with a lovely whimsical carpet.

Because what you'll have done, there, is ensure that every single drop of poster paint and playdough lands on the soft carpeting rather than the much easier to clean floors.

Thumbwitch · 17/08/2011 04:34

Rosemary&Thyme, I just laughed so much I had a coughing fit at you trying to close your pram with the toddler still in it! Grin

Taffeta and TheSkiingGardener - you two as well.

Serin - can your DH not read??! Shock Grin

BuckBuckMcFate · 17/08/2011 04:38

Do not assume that just because your 18 month old is in a cot and will have to negotiate 4 stair gates to get access to the back door that it is safe to leave the dog flap unlocked over night.

You may wake up at 6 am to an empty cot and after frantic searching, find a naked child trying to climb into a four foot deep paddling pool.

becca151 · 17/08/2011 04:48

At least the immaced baby didn't have to go to school.......

When cutting 15 yo DS's hair with clippers, don't forget to put on the plastic comb thingy and start at his temple, giving him a large bald patch. 15 is just the right age to be cool about something like this.

First 'go' on this site! v exciting!

Thumbwitch · 17/08/2011 04:54

welcome Becca! was that your first go with the clippers as well? Wink

whyme2 · 17/08/2011 05:27

Whilst undertaking any car journey always be aware that the actual amount of time you have between a child saying "I feel sick mummy" to actually vomiting is 3.6 seconds.

youarekidding · 17/08/2011 08:25

Don't repeatedly take your child to the GP because its bum and face are bright orange before checking that your DH is using real baby wipes and not self tanning wipes.

LMAO at this, brilliant Grin

whyme 3.6 seconds. Shock DS managed to give a story with pictures when he announced 'mummy I feel a bit '. and not in my car!

Original poster
Honeydragon · 17/08/2011 08:28

Buckbuck Shock that is some terrifying impressive impressive examples of escapology!

Becca, welcome Smile, I feel better about the immac thanks to you scalping your teen and the fake tanning of babies.

OP posts:
spudulika · 17/08/2011 08:36

Do not allow small boys access to your wax strips. Unless you are specially skilled at painlessly removing said wax strips from their tiny scrotums where they have stuck them 'for a laugh'. Shock

Thumbwitch · 17/08/2011 08:56

ooooo owwwww, spud!!

Curlybrunette · 17/08/2011 09:09

oh spud how awful

barneyisthedevilindisguise · 17/08/2011 09:10

Never try to show toddler how to use a skipping ball, you WILL fall and you WILL break bones! (wrist, at least 3 weeks in plaster)

Also DONT show toddler barney the dinosaur on YOUTUBE.... everytime he sees the laptop he shouts BARNEY!!

Blatherskite · 17/08/2011 09:22

You may not be able to get the magic suction bowl off the table but your 20 month old dot of a DD is far more tenacious than you and will manage it - covering herself, the table, the walls and the floor with cereal in the process.

Clean the Weetabix off first. That stuff sticks like concrete if allowed to dry while you clean up the child.

During pre-bath nappy time, if your DD poos on the floor, do not whisk her off to the loo without first checking your path is clear. You will stand in the other nugget you'd not noticed.

NEVER leave your DS playing happily in his room and on the landing while you have a quick shower. You may have secured the stairgate and made sure all other doors are closed but he will manage to find some sort of pupated insect somewhere and bring you the squirming half to see while chewing on the other!!

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