The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

[Honeydragon]

I'll start

Never let a toddler drink out a shoe

Never leave face paints unsupervised on a inadequately high surface

If breastfeeding, always return you boob to it's rightful place before answering the door

Do not relent when people say your child will like Knex, it is Satans plaything.

Never let your teen read child rearing books on raising teens, they will use them against you for purposes of evil.

If brestfeeding always remeber that fake tan applied to boobs will transfer onto babys face during night feeding. ooopsie

Never leave your toddler in the car alone, even for a moment. He will take off the handbrake and the car will roll down the slope into a gate.

We were on holiday. DH is a birdwatcher, spotted some speck in the sky & pulled into a field entrance. Insisted I get out & have a look at this marvel through the binocs. Next thing, the car was moving gently toward the gate.... Luckily both the car & the toddler were unharmed. Phew!

And so was the gate!

limburgsevlaai ur post made my tummy turn, yuck! I can just imagin the horror.

Do not leave a 9 month old in a Bumbo on the dining room table, and then wander off aimlessly into conservatory, stopping to admire plants and then noticing DS out of corner of eye crawling across table.

Do not laugh when your newly potty-trained toddler falls into the toilet.

Vicks Vaporub is perfect for cleaning windows - or at least, toddlers think it is.

Leaving tampons in mummy's bed is fun.

Warm baths and constipated toddlers do not mix.

Never leave a plastic sealed tub of fairycakes that you have lovingly iced ready for the school fayre on the side in the kitchen in reaching distance.Your learning disabled child,who hitherto has never had the motor skills to open a box,will chose that day whilst you are busy hanging out washing,to take said container,open it,and consume a vast amount of cakes whilst simultaneously spreading huge amounts of crumbs and icing around the living room.You will be relieved that they actually have the nous to remove the cake cases first though and haven't eaten the paper!

Do not leave opened boxes of tampons out at Christmas time and then invite posh friends round for tea before inspecting tree for new "decorations" hanging from their blue strings.

[my sister with my Mum]

If your toddler is having a rough night and you are cuddling them on the bed, check your DH has not moved the bed out a bit to get to the plugs.

When the toddler rolls head first down the side of the bed and starts screaming do not repeatedly pull on their legs. They have turned their head and their chin is stuck, you are now trying to pull their head off.

Sorry Theskiinggardener I am laughing so much here at your post.

Your poor toddler...but it's the way you tell it. They have turned their head and their chin is stuck, you are now trying to pull their head off.

I can laugh now but it was awful at the time! His screams were muffled but mine woke DH in the other room.

On the upside DH now moves the bed back when he's been at the plugs.

TheSkiingGardener

I'm laughing yet I know the feeling, the panic stops your brain functioning coherently when dc's get appendages wedged in anything.

Me too, giggling at TSG trying to behead her poor DC

These lyrics reflect so many posts on this thread:
"When she's in her room and quiet, and there comes a bit of calm,
You develop the sensation that you're sitting on a bomb."

You can see the rest of Tom Paxton's marvellous song, Katy, it is the story of my life at the moment.

make sure the emergency tissue packet in your bag (for when there is no loo roll left in public loos) is not embossed with olbas oil... ouch, burny mummy!

Never read through your dc's English free writing at the end of the summer term as they will be full of things like, 'mummy is always in bed' and 'mummy watches eastenders', 'mummy is always on the computer' and other such slatternly things, which will destroy the carefully cultivated image you have built up with the teacher.

Never lose your temper and shout at your dc's in a room with rubbish windows, and then go outside and realise you can hear, quite clearly, your dc's talking, and therefore the neighbours must have heard you yelling at the top of your voice...

And then lose your temper and do it again...

Always remember that a quiet two year old has been doing something. And when you dash to the loo before going to school you will realise in a desperate moment that said two year old has spent the previous 30 minutes carefully sticking the toilet lid down with your entire collection of sanitary towels and panty liners.
For something that doesn't stick to cloth very well they damn well stuck to my toilet.

When escorting children from the car inside your house and you realise one is missing. Do not panic then run up and down the street like a woman possessed - Check the car. The lost child can be found inside the car sobbing heartily at being forgotten.

Umm this weekends happenstance- youngest is 12 and should know better lol

Don't let your 12 yr old sit with her leg under the raised foot support of your manually reclining chair. You, occupying said chair, may, having had 3 lovely children, no longer have a bladder that will withstand the hilarity of a whole pink panther movie. Therefore, when howling laughter of 2kids masks the howling cries of the 3rd you will attempt not once but twice to lower said foot rest before you have a tena moment!

And I can confirm it did bruise nicely despite the ice pack and moaning between laughter during the rest of the movie.

Baaaad mother!

Don't let your children play under your dress (with you wearing it) as a sweet and harmless diversion. They will, one day (read: today) do it in front of visitors, and emerge to say, "Mum, your bum isn't as pretty as your face".

Never leave your laptop alone with an 18 month old. Young children enjoy the way the keys go "ping" when they flick them off.

Never leave a toddler alone in a room with dining chairs and little tiny chairs. Stacked, they reach the top shelf of the fridge where the chocolate is.

Never, ever, refer to a cat as "pussy". Especially to a new talker. Suddenly everything will be called pussy - a lady's dog passing by, a squirrel, Daddy.

DON'T be persuaded out shopping with a two week old baby after a botched birth and emergency surgery. DON'T then, in your sleep-deprived stupor, then attempt to fold up the pram with the baby still in it - it won't close, no matter how hard you kick it

When you have a fancy-Dan car with a clicky button thingy and non-opening from the inside doors... do not leave a little DD inside whilst you nip into the shop for milk. The alarm WILL go off and DD will be traumatized (DH I am talking to you)

Do not, then repeat this feat of carelessness at regular intervals throughout their childhoods, resulting in twitchy passengers and appalled ladders by.
The latest was for poor DS (14) today who claims his hearing has been permanently affected and he can't hear me asking him to wash up.

LADDERS?!?!? WTF?

'Passers by', you stupid iPad