The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

[Honeydragon]

I'll start

Never let a toddler drink out a shoe

Never leave face paints unsupervised on a inadequately high surface

If breastfeeding, always return you boob to it's rightful place before answering the door

Do not relent when people say your child will like Knex, it is Satans plaything.

Never let your teen read child rearing books on raising teens, they will use them against you for purposes of evil.

Dont take a 6 month old up a Lake District fell in a backpack with full down snowsuit on but only cotton socks in January.

My worst and most neglectful parenting moment ... what was I thinking.

Do not give your toddler the car keys because in the split second you shut the car door to get them out they will lock it from the inside (with your phone, money etc...) this will then result in hysterical bursting into shop to demand use of phone to phone DH in a blind panic whilst a trolley man guards your screaming child who does not understand why you cannot get them out

Luckily DH was there in 5 mins...

DD did not mean to lock it - was pure unlucky fluke in case that is not clear :)!

Do not leave a toddler to drop sanitary towels and tampons down the toilet because its so funny how they expand!

When your 13-month-old poos during tea, be sure they have finished before stripping them off for some pre-bath nappy free time.

When you hear the distinctive sound of straining coming from his room, don't finish cleaning under the high chair in the kitchen before going to investigate.

When you take said poo-smeared baby and place him in the bath tub and turn the shower head on to warm up, do not drop the shower head and spray both self and naked baby with ice cold water.

This was all in the last 45 minutes.

Never buy green toothpaste - the blobs on the bathroom ceiling are not easy to remove and don't blend in.

Duly Noted

Norks When dd was born I was nearly home before I realised I'd left the dog tied up outside the shop and as Abs mentioned, you haven't really fucked up till you've removed you babys hair with immac

This thread has really brought home two things

1, Mumsnetters give much better advice on what not to do, than to do

2, Most of the aforementioned acts that involve unnoticed destruction
are a direct result on Mnetting. Justine these are all on your head!

A good way to fill a day is to go and answer the phone whilst leaving two naked toddlers unattended in the garden with a large pot of blue oil paint. Hours of fun can then be had bathing them in turpentine and rubbing calamine over the subsequent rashes.

A good variant on this is to leave your mother in charge of them while you nip upstairs to have a cup of tea with your infirm dad. She can forget they are there and you can come back down to the amusement of them drinking purple creme windolene that you thought they stopped making in the 70s. Grannies can also be good for slipping the under-threes a marble, penny or other chokable item so you can all play A&E queues, a game which lasts at least four hours every time!

When you are shattered, don't lie on the sofa 'resting' your eyes not long before its time to collect your child. You WILL fall asleep and you WILL look like an awful parent who abandoned their child at nursery because you were asleep (thinking you could rely on the baby to wake you, but no, she chose to have a really long nap that day). Luckily I was only 10-15 minutes late, enough time for poor DS to be sat in nursery alone thinking I had forgotten him.

Oh and don't trust your quite grown up toddler. They are still very young children and no, of course they cannot be trusted not to touch the paint thats in the bottom cupboard with no door locks on whilst you feed your newborn.

If you put your toddler down to sleep do not make the mistake of thinking all will be fine as it is quiet up there, even though he is out of bed, and therefore continue to chat on the phone for half an hour. See aforementioned Sudocreme comments from piprabbit.

On second thoughts, quiet + conscious toddler = bad combination.

I laughed out loud at the immac story.

do not let your 10yo see/touch/play with any of your new gadgets as you will end up buying them one of their own.

do not let your 10yo pick their own birthday cake, you will end up buying a black bunny that has been cut in half and is trailing red icing for blood.

Do not teach your toddler the words to cheesy pop songs like Biebers baby baby. It may well sound cute when they sing it to your bump, not so cute when sang at the top of their voice during mass.
Don't sit having lunch withyour girlfriends thinking how nicely the children are playing. Your toddler will be upstairs smearing poo around your OCD friends bathroom and using her White company towels to clean it up.

Always take a small piece of gaffer tape into a public toilet with you, and stick it over your child's mouth. Avoids all the loud and very personal questions that otherwise spout from said child's mouth, about poos, wees, wiping techniques, absence of penises, menstrual technicalities, fanjo topiary etc.

Don't teach your child the dance to Bruno Mars' Lazy Song (the one with the dancing monkeys) or whenever it comes blaring out of the speaker system in Tesco/B&Q/Debenhams etc you will turn round to see your toddler DC, trousers round ankles, pelvic thrusting and singing about 'really great sex'.

Never ask your child to tell you what mean thing another child has said to them to make a judgement.

One day they'll come to you and announce 'that boy just called me a fucking idiot and that's not nice' in front of someone you know that hasn't ever met said child before.

Don't trust three year olds to play nicely upstairs unsupervised. And if you do, then when it goes quiet check right NOW. Because they have probably emptied a giant bottle of flipping expensive redken conditioner down the shower.

Always check oven, dishwasher and washing machines before turning on in case child has "hidden" something inside it - the safe hiding place children reckon these appliances are! Same for DVD players and if you still use VCRs.

Limburgse and theglove - me too (sob!).....one minute they are happily walking elsewhere, the next second they've come up next to you and decided the door is a good place to stick their fingers when you're closing it, blissfully looking in a different direction.

Here's another one - when DC is/are suspiciously quiet, your suspicions are right.

Never leave felt tip pens with DCs under 7 unsupervised, even if they say they are colouring their pictures and nothing else.

Don't teach your toddler the phrase "is it a proper poo or just a farty?"

In particular, do not do this if your husband is a priest. Because said toddler will come out with it while you and all the congregation are waiting in line for communion and daddy will have to try to remain reverent while adminstering the bread and wine when said toddler pipes up with "whatya doin Daddy, are you doin a poo or is it just a farty?"

[Squirm emoticon]

Never cuddle your baby until your fake tan is completely dry. Unless you like looking as though you gave birth to Sophie la giraffe.

Do not leave your toddler with a paint scraper near to hand next to your newly painted dresser. You will see large chunks of paint and wood being chipped off with gay abandon.

Do not leave paints out while you nip to the loo quickly, as on your return toddler will be standing before you with a purplish painted face, hands, tummy and the walls will have gotten it too.

Don't assume that, just because you would use a spoon to eat creme brulee, your baby will see it the same way and wait patiently for you to spoon it in. It's hard to eat creme brulee with your hands, but it does work much like a moisturiser if you manage to spread it evenly.

Check you've removed toddler from the buggy before folding flat.

In a similar vein to above threads about teaching toddlers what to say: do NOT give in to dh's medically driven insistance that you refer to her bits with the proper name. Unless you want to hear your precocious daughter's voice piping up in a coffee shop 'My Mummy's going to have a baby soon. It's going to come out of her Verr - Gina, you know'

Never cuddle your baby until your fake tan is completely dry. Unless you like looking as though you gave birth to Sophie la giraffe

Never pack food for a self-catering holiday, then leave it within reach of your 2yo. You will return from a trip to the loo to find that the family-size bar of chocolate you bought as a treat for everyone has been opened and that half or it is missing. Two moments later you will find your child under the dining room table, covered with chocolate looking VERY pleased.