The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

[Honeydragon]

I'll start

Never let a toddler drink out a shoe

Never leave face paints unsupervised on a inadequately high surface

If breastfeeding, always return you boob to it's rightful place before answering the door

Do not relent when people say your child will like Knex, it is Satans plaything.

Never let your teen read child rearing books on raising teens, they will use them against you for purposes of evil.

Limburgse - I've done that, it was awful.

Another one, don't buy really cute but a little pricey pants when cheap ones will do, they all burn/melt just the same when left in the oven. Always check oven before turning on and remove toys, pants, balls etc.

Dont chew gum when you kiss your toddlers head.

Dont leave the top off the whiskey bottle when the child is playing with it.

There is a point where baby-wipes just don't hack it.

Putting your child in the shower/bath fully clothed is a perfectly acceptable alternative.

If you hear a bump in the middele of the night and then silence, you should still get up to investigate it. Otherwise in the morning you could find your child has fallen out of bed and slept on the floor since 4AM

I usually leave mine asleep on the floor if that's where they end up .

Make sure your toddler is fastened in the pram before you tip it forward.

Don't show your dc a funny picture of Matt Lucas dressed up as Beyonce and say "Look it's doris from over the road" because next time Doris pops over your child will find the picture and say "Mummy said this is you" awkward.

Don't ignore the silence.

Never say 'I will NEVER do X'.

Because you will.

If you are busy MNing working on the computer when your 2 year old goes for a poo, don't tell him you'll be along in a moment or you might find he'll try and wipe him own bum and poo might somehow end up on him, the toilet, the toilet roll holder, the floor, the walls, the sink, the soap, the towel, the door handle, the door, the hallway.........

At least he tried to wash his hands though

Don't assume that because they couldn't open that door last week, they won't be able to this week.

Do not store bottles of wine behind this door, particularly not when the HV is visiting. Do not laugh when toddler emerges mid-chat from area you thought baby-proofed with bottle of pink fizz .

Don't assume that, just because they couldn't see their shoes (when they were standing right next to them), they won't spot the tiny corner of a Haribo packet at the back of a dark cupboard from 50 paces.

If your 3-year-old asks "Mummy can I try your wine" , and you say no, don't go to the loo leaving your wine on the coffee table.

This is going to be another MN Classic, I can feel it. :o

When older child is potty training, do not leave younger (immobile) child within weeing distance.

Don't tell your DC that you 'work for the government.' They will tell all your friends, whose parents will assume you are a spy.

Don't fish out the meccano in an attempt to occupy an extremely grumpy 7 year old. I'm as grumpy as he is, now and my hands hurt (it's flippin' fiddly)

all their friends

If your DS is almost asleep on the sofa after wanting to play from 2.30am til 5am, do not tell yourself that can't be bothered are too tired to check what he is chewing. It's not the corner of his blanket. It's the dogs tail.

When your three year old offers to put himself on the naughty step it is never a good sign.
on a related note, sun cream on a brown leather sofa is not an attractive look and is a pain in the arse to get out if left for more than a couple of minutes. This also applies to windows.
never leave sun cream in your child's childminder bag thinking you're being proactive for the next day. It will not end well for you

Do not allow your toddler DS anywhere near loo cleaner.
He will make a 'road' from loo roll the length of the landing and use the bright blue liquid for the 'lines down the middle'.

Toddlers can undo childproof caps that could outfox a Royal Engineer

Don't forget your newborn baby by the side of the road because you have spent too much mental energy fighting the toddler into her car seat.

I never did that...oh no...and I didn't drive very far really, no no no :(

Chocolate mousse in a bowl can be worn as natty headgear by the under threes

I need to stop. I am getting a bit

do not leave a three year old alone in a supermarket (i forgot i took him in with me & he was distracted by the sweets) Luckily i remembered when i noticed the car seat in the car.

Do not allow them to make their own sandwich before checking that the bread hasn't gone mouldy.

Dont forget to collect them from school at the end of the day

oh God norks you must've been mortified! That sent a chill down my spine!