The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

[Honeydragon]

I'll start

Never let a toddler drink out a shoe

Never leave face paints unsupervised on a inadequately high surface

If breastfeeding, always return you boob to it's rightful place before answering the door

Do not relent when people say your child will like Knex, it is Satans plaything.

Never let your teen read child rearing books on raising teens, they will use them against you for purposes of evil.

Andie - duct tape works for everything. There's a joke that is something along the lines that duct tape is like the Force (from StarWars) because it has a Dark side and a Light side and it holds the universe together!

That's a shame, SDTG - but Andie could still do it
like that comment re. duct tape.

Of course she can Thumbwitch - I was clearly being very dim. I do normally manage to struggle past 20watts - honest!!

Thank you. I thought about stopping for piccies but squashed that thought as it would be cruel..now realise I missed out on essential blackmail fodder for those teen years- MN is so educational!

She is now securely taped and napping again... Hopefully once she's lost interest in taking her nappy off I can revert to just the normal tabs.

Duct tape is an essential in our house, a million and one uses- especially for camping.

If grandparents buy a lovely classic rocking horse with a 'real' horsehair mane and tail for your DC, on no account ever, ever leave said DC unattended even for a micronap if there are any pairs of scissors anywhere in the house. Even if said scissors are on the roof in a locked safe, buried 500 feet underground or protected by a science fiction force field. Just don't.

When you come back into the playroom 2.5 minutes later, alerted by the ominous silence, you will find that the scissors have been found and the rocking horse has had a spectacular haircut. Furthermore your DC will be inconsolable when they learn that a toy horse's mane won't grow back.

(My brother and I were the rocking-horse barbers here)

When having a sneaky XBOX session DO NOT squirrel the wine glass out of sight under the coffee table and forget about it. Your DW will come out from putting washing out wonder what that tinkly banging is and find that her 8 month old son is playing with the remains of the wineglass and is trying to stuff the shards into his mouth in the style of an Indian fakir.
DH I am looking at you!

Do NOT allow your baby who is on the verge of learning to talk to watch the Gruffalo. You will be referred to a 'Mammaaaa?' in the calling, questioning voice of a cartoon squirrel for the rest of toddlerhood.

Also, never ever leave a bumper tub of vaseline unattended at any point, unless you really want to get an idea of what a baby alien looks like when it has just been born. And spend the next 3 days rinsing and repeating every brand of washing up liquid on sale in the UK.

Still pmsl @ boiling cauldron of poo.

On a similar note, don't invite your then childless friends to come and try out/ show off your new family hot tub when you have a newly potty trained toddler.

Boiling cauldron of poo, plus everyone wanting hot showers and dettol.

I was one of the friends

I now have a toddler and am desensitised to poo. Good job too, as i have just ignored earlier advice about making sure they'd finished pooing before having some nappy free time before bed. Oops

Don't leave the bloody vicar with the baby and some cake. He'll think it's a great idea to give the baby gannet some cake and she bounce off the walls for the next five hours.

Similarly don't lock yourself out of the house just moments before the HV arrives to check over the week old baby who you left in the middle of the bed (the horror, she may roll over!). Then try and shimmy over the fence with a c-section wound.

Don't stare off into the middle distance whilst chatting on your bloody mobile phone again ( don't they know it's a bloody day off) in the middle of a packed harbourside festival ( deep water minus softplay style safety netting, can't see more than 3 metres due to 10,000 people) and assume your 18 month DS is just standing patiently at your feet waiting for you to finish your call. (well done DH).
When you yourself turn up and have asked DH where the fuck is DS, and you have enjoyed the comedy moment where he looks at his feet, then behind him then looks back at you, you can have the fun of hearing the nearest security officer yelling 'code blue' into his walkie-talkie, and spend a few happy child free minutes imagining a child free future.
You will find your newly toddling toddler 150 metres away along the waterfront, up a huge flight of stone steps standing admiring the carousel.

Before extending your hand always check what it is your 3 year old is handing you, it may just be a turd

Never let a toddler brush your hair with a stickle brick. You may end up doing the school run with said stickle brick firmly entangled on the top of you head.

Do not leave (unused, obviously) non applicator tampons unsupervised when sons paintball guns have run out of paintballs (brother bought them for christmas!) otherwise you will come home from work to find them liberally placed about your tiny cul de sac with most of the neighbours enjoying the show.

Do not allow grandpa and Dad to supervise DCs around grandpas pond. They will be allowed to fall in.
This was actually my sister, myself and my much younger cousins. Over the years, believe, all 4 of us fell in pond while being supervised by the men of the household.
We did not fall in playing out there by our selves
Only when we were all grown up did it become a Rose bed.

Oh don't lock yourself out of the house when heavily pregnant and your DH is abroad.

Do not teach your 18 month old how to put the plug in before she's learnt to turn the taps OFF.

Don't assume your DD1 is playing happily by herself when all goes silent, and not locking herself into the bathroom and shaving herself with her father's straight edge razor, having taken the precaution of locking mother into her bedroom first (me at 2). She had to alert a neighbour by yelling out the bedroom window, directing her to the emergency key in the flowerbed...

Do not assume that because the aspirin and liver salts are kept in a cabinet on the wall high above the loo, probably six feet from the floor, that your intrepid DDs haven't built a tower consisting of the loo, cistern and bathroom chair and won't spend a happy half hour eating crushed aspirin and toothpaste served from the mildewy underside of the bathplug and all washed down by Andrews Liver Salts swigged from the toothbrush mug (me and my sisters).

Don't assume when your DD1 and her friend are amusing themselves nicely that they are not decorating the bathroom with toothpaste (DD1).

Don't assume that a bright teenage girl will naturally understand that it is wise to remove tin foil from leftovers before warming them up in the microwave (DD1).

When your 2 year old DS calls you to 'come see funny world' as you are busy packing to leave the flat and move, hoping that the security deposit will be returned without too much of a dint in it, you should ask yourself where you last saw the red crayon.