The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

[Honeydragon]

I'll start

Never let a toddler drink out a shoe

Never leave face paints unsupervised on a inadequately high surface

If breastfeeding, always return you boob to it's rightful place before answering the door

Do not relent when people say your child will like Knex, it is Satans plaything.

Never let your teen read child rearing books on raising teens, they will use them against you for purposes of evil.

Outdoor Life. It's never as safe as it looks. Toddlers are expert at finding patches of damp tar that has yet to dry and playing about in them until they are Tar Babies. Baby wipes will get it off where bleach has failed, but only after their screams have alerted five hundred people....

Toddlers will eat anything except food. They will eat snails, and slugs. even when these are coated in slug pellets...

The 'proper poo or just a farty' made me snort my breakfast.

Accept that there comes a time, no matter how fit and flexible you are as a parent, that your child will beat you at Twister. My mother injured her hip before she would admit that aged 10 years old I kicked her ass at that game.

Don't leave your purse in reach of a hungry toddler while you sort out his sodding goldfish. He will eat what he finds in the coin section. Did you know you have to go to A&E for that?

On a related note, don't strip the toddler until you're actually inside the xray room because he will escape from you and the sight of a pregnant woman chasing a naked, giggling 2yo down a hospital corridor raises some eyebrows.

Don't leave anything at all on the hob unless it's switched off at the wall. Toddlers can turn the dials for the rings and tea towels are bloody flammable.

Lock the front door at all times. Nothing is more heartstopping than returning from the loo to see an empty sofa and an open door. Thankfully DS is indecisive and was stood on the path deciding which direction to take.

No matter what your toddler drops on your foot, no matter how hard, don't blurt out "shit!" at your sudden shock. Toddlers love that word and will gleefully repeat it, they'll even stop using it for weeks and then start again so you have to lie to strangers about what he's saying "hahaha yes, ship darling. Where's the ship?"

Toddler blowing raspberries on your bump at home? Cute. Pulling the entire front of your dress down in Asda exposing your boobs/bra and top of your bump in order to blow a raspberry? Not so cute. Don't teach them to blow raspberries.

When they fart don't giggle and say "was that your bum?!" in a comedy voice. Every time they fart they will announce in the loudest voice imaginable "hahaha, my BUM!!!!!"

If the toilet door lock in at toddler height then keep one foot hooked under the door while you wee. Saves embarrassment.

Oh dear me, I am howling with laughter. Its great to read I am not alone in learning stuff to pass on to others before more harm is done......

Don't assume because you have a door lock on the undersink cupboard that only allows the door to open about 2cms that this stops their fun. DD (2 years) will work out one, repeated slamming of said door gets her immediate attention from Mummy and that smaller bottles such as Vanish in wash spray can be removed. Dozy DH didn't turn nozzle to off ("well, it was going into a locked cupboard") and DD discovers it is marvellous at creating instant skating on the kitchen floor. For everyone!!!! We couldn't move for laughing, all 3 of us couldn't stand up, DH had to drag himself along the floor like a grounded fish to get to the kitchen towel and cleaner.

I too learnt the hard way about not assuming you are been weak when door won't close properly .

The tanning wipes almost saw my 29 week pregnant floor disintergrate, mad dash to the loo...

Even your "good" child (never say that in front of them btw) can surprise you. When occupied with their favourite activity of cutting up and sticking old birthday cards, always supervise them as they will use that moments absence to cut their hair. On two separate occasions.

at wax

Had a particularly bad night with an ill DS3 last night and this thread entertained me greatly.

DH wrote on DD's vest when she was a baby, whilst she was still wearing the vest... it was a mother's day message, which i would find when i changed her in the morning.. however, DH used a permanent black marker.. coincidentally, DD was poorly the next day and had to go to the docs, who was concerned about the purplish black rash on her belly, cue a lie about her brother drawing on her

oh, and if you have origional floorboards in your house, with gaps between them, don't let DD play shopping with your handbag and purse as you'll find her posting the contents of your purse between the gaps in your floorboards.

Do not climb ladder to paint outside of house leaving paint pot and brush and neighbours shiney new Lexus within reach of three year old.
If you do a plastic pan scourer used gently gets it off. They never found out.
:o

Oh dizzyblonde. Seeing what they had done must have been a heart stopping moment!

Do not bf and read this thread at the same time.
Do not let a drunken dh tie his own wrap sling. Do not let an inexperienced user unclip your sling, they'll undo the one that holds the baby first.
Do not wait till the baby falls off the bed to push it against the wall.
When wearing baby on back make sure their head isn't sticking out when going through a doorway.

Don't let your 10 year old dd into Hollister. She will initially say it's no big deal, but then will spend any money she has/you have buying items from said shop and insisting that the Hollister shirt (at £40+) is the only thing she wants for her wardrobe this year. Then she'll start on the £50+ hoody and the rest...

Don't let your 10 yodd give you fashion advice. She will tell you to wear something identical to what you usually wear and if you try to deviate, she'll tell you you look rubbish.

Don't let your 10 yodd pick the tv viewing for the night. You'll end up watching Harry Potter and Dr Who in constant rotation for weeks, and weeks, and weeks, and weeks (please save me from Dr Potter!!).

Don't fall asleep with your small child in bed with you, even for a micronap, as she will be guaranteed to fall out and cut her head open on the sliding wardrobe thing at the bottom and will end up with a scar for life.

Don't trust school when they say your child has had a fall and it's not too bad. When you berate her for crying too much on the way on home (once the sympathy has run out) then go to dress the wound for the evening, you'll realise she should probably have gone to A&E and she will be scarred for life (literally as well as psychologically).

Don't let buy a pet. Not any pet. It'll start with one hamster, end up with three, then you'll add a couple of rabbits, then she'll nag you for a dog. Don't do it....they don't need the smelly little creatures (potters off to clean hamsters...adds rabbits to the list...fights temptation to look at dogs again).

it is best not to teach your toddler that 'Grandad loves clocks!' before he can pronounce the letter 'L'. Especially when Grandad is a raging homophobe. Actually, that was quite funny :o

put your child locks on the car when you first bring your child home from the hospital. don't wait until the day they learn to undo their car seat straps and open the car door in the middle lane of the M11. it may be a bit too late then. and you may come close to a multi-vehicle smash, and a heart attack.

Never assume that just because you have to stretch to reach something that it will automatically be out of reach of a 20 month old. A+E staff won't care that you thought daddy's razor being in a zipped bag hanging up above the cabinet above the toilet would prevent said child from lopping part of their finger off. they will still have to treat him.

When you first take the side of the cotbed off/put your child to sleep in a normal bed for the first time, look where you are putting your feet when you go in at your bedtime to check on them. Otherwise you may come a gnats breath away from standing on their slumbering form where they have somehow ended up in the doorway.

Don't belly-flop onto the bed to give baby a giggle. You are far heavier than said baby and the resultant mattress bounce will cause baby to backflip off the bed and onto the floor. DH won't do that again in a hurry.

If you allow your almost 2yo into your bed in the early hours and shortly afterwards hear a bumping sound, do crack an eye open and check that he hasn't rolled out of the bed.

Don't leave your hospital bag in sight or reach of a toddler. You will emerge from the shower to find him wearing both of your nighties while trying to free his head from the newborn vest he's gotten it stuck in.

Fully expect your toddler to repeat your more creative remonstrations in public, a recent favourite being "Mummy, don't do THAT again or I will throw you in the river"...

Sticking to 'time out' or the 'step' might be a wiser idea.

n.b. DD never actually went in the river

Oh LimburgseVlaai, I wish someone had told me about banana's staining so badly sooner ...even when I've put things in to soak straight away, ready for the evening wash it has stained with dark brown worm like stains - Yuck! Will be sure to heed your advice about the blue paint. She's only 7 months so got some time to swot up on this stuff yet! lol

Do not, whatever you do, succumb to buying the amazing-looking Lego kits. Christmas morning, spent assembling various parts of Hogwarts School out of fiddly plastic, with cryptic instructions, and diagrams drawn by someone with their eyes shut, will Drive You To Drink - or to the verge of insanity, whichever is closer.

Do not buy sticklebricks - or if you must buy them, never walk around barefoot.

The sound of a crying baby outside cannot be ignored on the basis that you know your baby is indoors. Half of him is indoors - the other half is outside, and he is stuck in the cat flap, head first.

When your toddler, who has been tantrumming for nearly an hour, stops suddenly (whilst you are on the phone to your dh in tears because you can't take any more), do check what he is doing. He may be eating left-over tortilla chips from the kitchen bin. However, in this circumstance, and bearing in mind that he'd had a huge, 1.5 hour tantrum the day before, and had only just stopped screaming, I did decide not to stop him eating said tortilla chips. It did him no harm though - he turned 18 last week, and is a fine, strapping lad (and still likes tortilla chips).

Don't buy a sippy cup that's the same shape and colour scheme as the bottle of PVA glue. You may think DC is drinking his juice when you look over at him but he isn't ...

these are ace.

My Mum has just reminded me of one

If you want to go to a Christmas party to not leave your 25 year ds old and 18 year old dd to house sit Grandma. If you do, don;t give them cash to go and grab a bite to eat at the local pub after Grandma is settled for the night. And definitely do not quip on the way out, "can you kids write a Xmas list for Santa tonight too?"

What will happen is:

Your Dc's will get Grandma settled whilst having a couple of beers. They will then make bacon sandwiches and spend the cash at the pub drinking. They will come home, check on Grandma then drink the rest of your beer.

You will return home to find all the beer you bought for Xmas drank and the empties dumped halfway to the recycling bin. You will also find a letter to Santa on fireplace written in crayon stating

Dear Santa

For Xmas we would like

More Beer
A fanny Magnet
and
A Fisher Price Knocking Shop

Love the dragons

You will then be stuck with your very hungovers dc's for the entire weekend.

PMSL Honey! (Which one were you, the older or the younger one? )

AAAanddddd we're in Classics! YAY!

Do not repeatedly tell your 3yo DS to stop standing around like a lemon when he's drifted off into another toddler daydream - he WILL choose to repeat it to you at the most inopportune/maximum embarrassment moment possible.

I'd guess she was the DD Thumbwitch

oh yeah! D'oh! - didn't see that, I was sniggering too hard.

Younger Thumb