Overheard in a change room yesterday

[Jacksmania]

A mum telling her daughter that the style of dress she was trying on was called "UMPIRE waist".

I'm sorry, I know I'm a total caaaahhhh, but I was and and covering my mouth to keep from laughing.

What have you overheard (not necessarily in a change room) that made you :o?

When DBiL was about 4 years old, whenever he went on holiday he would pack his 'suitable' case.

I embarrassed my Mum with this one.

After watching bedknobs and broomsticks (aged 4) I thought WW2 was still going. So when I saw a tank whilst on the bus I shouted "look Mummy the Germans are coming" All the old dears on the bus thought it was rather funny :)

Best female friend to me in pub while discussing our various and many boyfriend ishoos (we were 19 at the time so you can imagine the heartrending and emotional nature of our conversation):

"Oh Bicnod, I wish I could just have sex with you!"

What she meant was I wish I got on with my boyfriend as well as we get on. Or I wish I could meet someone who I got on with as well as you but who I fancied. Or something like that. But instead she said this very emphatically, very loudly in the middle of a very quiet old man pub.

Needless to say we had a lot of looks from fellow drinkers.

Still makes us when we talk about it now...

before i had children of my own i witnessed a four or five year old having a complete paddy in the supermarket.

Very red faced he was shouting, "cunt. cunt. cunt".

I was suitablly horrified and storing up the story to shock my friends when he sat down in the middle of the aisle and said "mummmeeeeee i cunt do it. you do it for me". Said child was holding some sort of toy that evidentally needed mending.

Years ago I worked at a Christian holiday camp. I was just trying to find a suitable way to gloss over "Thou shalt not commit adultery" when teaching the Ten Commandments, when a little girl (daughter of a pillar of the community) said "My mummy did that". I still don't know if she mistook the word or not...

Husband's best mate was stood rifling through the singles on a stall outside a record shop. A rather drugged up guy stood by him turned to him and asked 'You feel my bum?' but husband's mate thought the guy had said 'You feel the sun?' to which husband's mate replied 'Yes, it's lovely isn't it?' before he realised his mistake.

:o Snorkmaiden. And Nickschick, you made me howl with your boob-distraction story...:o

Along the lines of Keith and the Forbidden Banana, a few years back I was wheeling my way around Sainsbury's when I heard a couple quietly arguing in the vodka aisle (I was in the next aisle buying squash. Honest). She let out a shriek suddenly and I peered around the corner of the aisle to see a tiny Asian lady who was wearing a pair of hotpants, high heels and a halter top (it was winter), shaking with rage at a middle-aged, crumpled-looking bloke in a jumper and cords.

TAL: Why you so cheap?
MACLB: I don't think we need the biggest bottle, dear.
TAL: You so cheap! I want this one! You buy!
MACLB: Erm...
TAL: Call yourself a man? Why you so cheap? Cheap! CHEAP!!!

She turned and staggered off, him following meekly in her wake clutching the vodka. Never seen them since.

why you so cheap!! haha haha that is brilliant i just chocked on my roll

Outside a changing room, I earwigged, 'I'm sorry, you can't come in here!'

'I'm sorry, are you a man or a woman?'

'I am a woman!'

'Oh that's ok then, cos men do try and come in here and they're not allowed.'

I was gobsmacked, had to look out the curtain. She had short brown hair, slim, every bit of clothing could have be mistook for mens. She was with a very nice man, I saw later in the shop.

I wonder how she felt?[hgrin]

Just marking to read properly later

^Also took her to Tate Modern last year. Sat outside having an ice cream before going in and a middle aged bloke walks past, head to toe in black leather biker gear, bald as coot with just a patch of hair over either ear dyed scarlet and gelled into completely upright triangles. She just pointed and shrieked with laughter.

Naturally we ended up virtually following him round the entire bloody gallery and she still talks about 'Mr Pointy Head' a year later.^

There were lots of punk hair styles around when I was little. I still remember saying to my mum aged about four or five, "When I grow up I'm not going to be a Pump Rocker, mummy."

In hospital waiting room waiting for a chest x-ray. Opposite me is a little frail old man in a wheel chair. Middle aged daughter is sitting next to him holding his hand.

Her: (sotto voce) Have you got a nappy on, Dad?
Him: (loudly) No, love. I had such a good turn out this morning, they said I wouldn't need one.

Me: Snort. (hastily disguised as a coughing fit).[hgrin]

I used to work in a chemist and a little old lady came up to the counter :
OL: hello. Can I have some cervix please?
Me (thinking I must have heard wrong): sorry?
OL: Can I have some cervix please?
Me: some cervix?
OL: Yes. Some cervix.
Me: I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean.
OL: (looking exasperated) Some cervix. You know, for helping me to go to the toilet.
Me: oh! You mean syrup of figs!
OL: yes, that's it!

How I kept a straight face I'll never know. Particularly as the pharmacist was hiding behind the dispensary counter in fits of giggles.

I also once heard 2 old ladies on a bus discussing the upcoming solar eclipse. One of them remarked that 'of course, the sun was so much brighter when we were younger...' to which the other replies 'ohhh yes.'

Swimming pool changing room, the weekend before last, dd is 4.6
DD:"Why do your nipples stick out more than mine Mummy"
"Because when you grow up to be a grown up lady, you need to be able to make milk to feed a baby"
DD:"But you aren't having a baby now?"
"No, but grown up ladies bodies are ready, just in case (Panic: not doing very well here, need to make sure DD doesn't think that I need to be suddenly ready to receive a baby from thin air), that is, when you grow up your body starts to look different in lots of ways, and it changes that that you can grow a baby and feed it"
Pause
"Aunty J---- doesn't have sticking out nipples"
"Well, you don't see Aunty J---- without clothes on, do you?"

"I wish my nipples would stick out like yours..."

We left at speed after we were dressed.

"

Also took her to Tate Modern last year. Sat outside having an ice cream before going in and a middle aged bloke walks past, head to toe in black leather biker gear, bald as coot with just a patch of hair over either ear dyed scarlet and gelled into completely upright triangles. She just pointed and shrieked with laughter."

That'll be Simon Price then :)

"You know, the fit one out of Only Fools And Horses"

Quodlibet I used to work with an incredibly beautiful young woman who found tall thin men with long thin faces deeply attractive.

For her, the absolute, all-time, glorious zenith of sexiness was . . . Nicholas Lyndhurst.

No, they were obviously talking about Boycie.

agg, beaten to it..

:)

Pantomime in Tunbridge Wells, circa 1970.

Being rather stage struck, I had elbowed my way up on to the stage to be one of the children "assisting" with some magic or similar. The magic was dull, so I started wandering off into the wings, which looked much more interesting. The actor presiding tried to draw me back with "What's your name? that is a pretty dress!" and held out a microphone for my reply:

"Thank you. My Granny got it from the jumble".

I don't think that my mother has yet forgiven me

Amazing thread - going to read some to DH later.

Reminds me of when my half sister was about 3 or 4 and in the loo with my mum. Annouced at the top of her voice "mummy, I can smell prawns in your pants". My poor mum (who really is very hygienic!) was utterly mortified.

Also a lovely one about my geriatric granny who's cornish. They're from proper cornwall meaning that you cannot really understand what her of grandad say if you live north of Truro. Had us in stitches though when granny starting telling the hairdresser near my mum's (in Hampshire) about what a lovely time she'd had at the "cunt-cert, down chapel". Poor girl didn't know what to say, until I translated...

We all still talk about going to cunt-certs - I ought to watch it now I have LO.

In a camera shop

Customer - so how many pixies does this camera have?
Assistant - Pardon?
C - How many pixies?
Assistant - Um... [flounders a bit]... oh! Do you mean megapixels?
C - Yes, that's right, megapixies.

Am just checking in to see if any of the mortifying things said by either DS or myself in our post-lunch squabble have been added.

Especially the cafe toilet part.

I think I got away with it.

I was in the photographers trying to print some pictures of my phone .....'which machine is this I asked?'
'look in the top right luv it will tell you' said the assistant (a very very orange fake tanned short woman) 'what does it say?' she went on

Errrrmmmmmmm ................umpa lumpa I whispered .......I neednt have whispered it cos she was already thumping her assistant who I presume had renamed the machine

When DS was toilet training we were at a fair and had to use those cabin-porta loos (about 8 loos separated by thin cardboard)

DS: they're very pretty pants mummy
me: thanks...now shhhhh
DS: they've got flowers on
me: yes...shhhhhh now
DS: that's a very long wee you're doing
me: yes...do you need to go?
DS: no.
(me reaching for loo roll)
DS: well done...you've wiped yourself
me:

we left cubicle and stood washing our hands aware of sniggering row of ladies.

Just remembered an exchange I heard at a supermarket customer services counter a few years ago in my home town in West Yorkshire... me and mother were stood waiting to buy lottery tickets and were treated to this scene:

Man: I want to return this, love. I want me money back.
Customer Services woman: What seems to be the problem?
Man: It's got egg in it.
CSW: Yes...it's a quiche.
Man: I don't like egg. It don't say owt abaht eggs on t'front o' t'packet.
CSW:...well, it's a quiche. They're made with eggs.
Man: But it don't say owt on t'front o' box, love. I can't eat eggs, they repeat on me summat chronic.