Hmmmm? If there was an MNtrance exam, what would the questions be?

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

1. Are you able to understand irony?

a. Yes
b. No
c. Maybe
d. I never irony - just give it a good shake when it comes out the machine
e. All of the above
f. None of the above

is my DD

1. A genius?
2. Emotionally mature?
3. Politically sensitive?
4. Artistically gifted?

Is your DD

1. Slightly behind her peer group in reading?
2. A bit of a worry, what with not having all her teeth yet?
3. A TART, she is wearing a glittery teeshirt!
4. A narcissist. At four months, she should have developed some empathy!

Compare and contrast the emergence of the sub species commonly known as 'ex wives' and 'step mothers'. Pay particular relevance to the 'sacred cow' ideology applied to each species in the context of 'AIBU' threads.

(Extra marks will be awarded for the use of 'crazy ex wife' and 'BM')

scottishmummy - i was so badly flammed for that transgression that i never had oral sex ever again!!

1. Front hall: clunch, slipper satin or blackened white? Give at least three supporting reasons.

1. I've been with my DP for two months. He's on a course today and even though I've texted him 67 times and left 18 voicemails he hasn't got back to me! Really panicking now. Is he:

a) emotionally avoidant
b) a narcissist
c) shagging a colleague?

the bj for McD was a hilarious thread
all righteous indignation
a woman went under a horse so likes of you can suck meat for capitalist meat type shit

Not chopping off your Mooncup stem leads to unfortunate chafing. Discuss.

Chopping off your Mooncup stem leads to the bloody thing getting stuck up there and DH having to fish it out. Discuss.

Compare and contrast the approaches to parenting contained in the following works, including the full name and author of each:

UP
How to talk...
Playful Parenting
That Angel child one that nearly drove me demented
That dreadful one by you know who that definitely drove me demented and for which I held a burning ceremony

pa, I just feel grateful to realise that I wasn't the only person (after several years) to remember whose thread that was! Twas very funny though....

Oh I suddenly feel like all is well in the world....thank you Chaos

Gina Ford - her baby routines are obviously fantastic - describe how they worked for you without saying anything negative at all about it in 1000 words or less.

dont recall who bj for mcd poster was,damn funny though

Score one point if you can answer yes to any of the following questions

Have you ever?

Accidentally vajazzled yourself
Had a vigorous discussion about bumsex on a Friday evening
Used a mooncup
Eaten nice ham
Told anyone to fuck the fuck off & when you get there fuck off some more
Been horrified by the language in the above statement
Found yourself making up imaginary lives for people with, quite frankly, ridiculous names
Flounced
Said 'Dump the bastard'
Tried controlled crying
Tried to kill someone who tried controlled crying
Breastfed a child
Breastfed a child for longer than two years
Thought anyone who breastfed a child for longer then two years, was, quite frankly, a loon with ishoos
Been repulsed by the sight of a woman breastfeeding a child in public (particularly if there is a flash of nip)
Flaunted your womanly bazoomas whilst breastfeeding your eight year old. In the pub.
Been a WOHM
Been a SAHM

Take one point away if you can answer yes to any of the following questions;

Have you ever?

Used the phrase hun, hugz, LOL, LOLing, lil'
Fed your child a Gregg's sausage roll/fruitshoot/turkey twizzler/McDonald's Happy Meal
Worn Crocs
Worn Per Una
Worn a waterfall cardigan
Smoked a fag
Worn linen trousers, particularly 3/4 length
Read or regularly read any of the following, The Daily Mail, The Daily Express, The Sun, Nuts, Zoo
Bought your children any Disney Princess items (discount if said child is a boy, this, is ok)
Allowed your children to watch Ben 10
Allowed Your children to play on an electronic gaming device for over 2 minutes at a time
Enjoyed a hen night where the participants wear pink/fairy wings/schoolgirl outfits/cowboy hats
Had a useless or indiscriminately priapic husband & not, in fact, dumped the bastard

Bonus round

Award yourself 50 points if you can answer yes to any of the below;

You know the whole Cod story.
You can write a coherent argument as to why both breast & bottle feeding are acceptable (award yourself 100 bonus points if everyone agrees)
Tell me what did happen to the Moldies?? Do they now only exist in an alternative reality?

Deduct 50 points if you can answer yes to any of the following;

Are you 15 & off school for half-term?
Are you a member of Netmums?
Do you get your jollies by pretending to be skint/betrayed/a woman/in need of help when you are none of the above?

What do you consider to be the most suitable birthday celebration for your 5 year old child?

a) a party with 10 friends at the soft play place, followed by a buffet of shop-bought sausage rolls and froot shoots

b) a performance of the lesser known works of Shostakovich by a Bulgarian string quintet

c) there isn't space in Timothy's schedule for any birthday celebration, as he mustn't miss his French lesson and his ballet exam is next Saturday

I'm weeping with laughter and absolutely unable to answer half of these (let alone attempt anything wittier).

Also praying I don't get expelled from MN (and - oh the horror - sent to NM) for accidental late-night misspelling/txt spk in this post... Will I get away with it if I add an inappropriate ?

When presented with an unexplained link, what is your reaction?

1. A thread has been posted in AIBU with 6,898 replies. Do you:

a) skim the OP and fall over your fingers posting a blindingly insightful reply too page 1.
b) read all 32 pages and post a short, considered response looking at both sides of the issue and citing the names of all the major players in the thread to date.
c) Read pages 1 and 32 and threaten to report the cunts who blatantly didn't bother to READ THE FUCKING THREAD.
d) Agree with Hecate.

Which if the following is a famous MN river?

A) The River Thames
B) The River Avon
C) The River of Sweetcorn

Were your DC to inadvertently shit on your neighbour's new moroccon pouffe (that had been delivered to your address ) would you

A) Take the pouffe round and apologise profusely using phrases like "he accidentally did a stinky poo, I'm so sorry
B) Take the pouf round and say nothing. After all you've given it w good clean
C) Engage the services if MNers to find you a lookilikey pouf, then Take the pouffe round anyway and, speaking in a Sean Connery-esquire voice, apologise that your DC has had a 'little s(h)it on it'

You plan to paint the bathroom and are thinking about paint colours. Do you

A) pick a nice aqua from the deluxe paint card
B) Use commercial dogface White or magnolia
C) Spend days staring at Farrow and Ball patches on your wall - all of which are variations on a muted grey

Use a venn diagram to illustrate your undestanding of 'sense of entitlement'

Clearly to say 'never google dragon butter'

*dogface / homebase??

aibu thread,do you
thank and namecheck sychophants
strop and namecheck anyone disagreed with you

Provide an artist's impression of blue waffle.

Which of the following should not be offered to guests at a party?
a.
b.
c.
d.

Your child's school has adopted a healthy eating policy and asks that lunch boxes do not contain sweets or crisps. Which of these would you give your child as a packed lunch:

a) organic hummus, focaccia bread, some crudites and a banana, because these are Ptolemy's favourites

b) pork pie, packet of cheesy wotsits and a Mars bar, cos it's your democratic right not to acquiesce to the school's nannying

c) a pound of lard and can of Fanta, as you've had that for lunch every day for the past 20 years with no ill effects

Discuss the phases and reactions of a Favourite Mumsnetters thread.

Please give estimates for numbers of
a) upset posters;
b) chuffed posters who didn't expect to be nominated;
c) nominations for Pagwatch;
d) royalty bashings;
e) posts by Scottish mummy stating that there should be no favourites as we are all justwordsonascreen;
f) new quiches formed as a reaction.

Bonus points can be scored for predicting which MNers feature in a and b.

discuss merits of brown nosing someone youve never met
will mn oscars mean no more are you new questions
does obsequious crawling lead to fulfilment