Please remove your book from my knickers DS

[TheSkiingGardener]

said to my 11 month old who presented me with a book to read to him while I was on the loo.

Any other things you never, ever thought you would say?

"say goodbye to Poo. Hes going to poo land"

"please dont sit on my face"

"No, I dont want you to watch me poo!"

"Please take your fingers out you bum"

"Dont lick Boogies"

''Leave yourself alone please'' - To Dd

''No I don't want to look in your foo''- To Dd

''Go on, do a poo poo in the bath!'' - To a witholding Ds

''No, I am not a dancing tiger, Daddy is''- To Ds

''Yes, they are mamas boobies, lets not show everyone'' - To Ds

"No, the dog cannot become a cat if he wants to. Yes, he can be everything he wants to be. No, I am not denying him his right to choose. Yes, I do believe in him and want him to feel good about himself. But he still cannot be a cat. That's not how transgender works."

To DD, aged 8.

After she read a Daily Mail article about a trangender person.

I LOVE this thread. I just cried so hard at "underpants as a minimum" my contact lens went walkabout!!

We've had:

"Please do not drill the cat".

"Please stop showing everyone Mummy's bra".

"Erm, no you're not playing the Willy Game" (I have no idea what this game is, but overheard DS1's friend say it to DS in our tent on holiday!)

"No, you're not playing the bum game either".

"Can you come out from under Mummy's skirt please, I need to pay the butcher".

Loads more I can't think of now!

'I can see your NIPPLES Mummy' (DS1 3+9 to me whilst out walking in a May Day parade)
'No darling you can't see Mummy's nipples those are called ANKLES remember?!'

'DD, why is the dog green?'

'Don't try and push the dog around like a wheelbarrow, he doesn't like it'

'Well of course your mouth hurts, Vicks isn't a lip balm'

these are making me feel sooo much better

you lot are all battling crazy children and trying to keep them flying right

'those are called ANKLES remember...' hilarious

I can't quote them

everyone is making me snort, so so funny
kids are sooo fab

I was always told 'don't put beans up your noses' when leaving the house with brothers and sister or with friends...

Surely this kind of thing begs for the child to do that very thing

though I never did

There is a song called 'Beans in your Ears' which suggests just that, Wabbit!

What's that? What have you got? Give it to Mammy. Give it to me now! If you dont pass Mammy the poo you're going to bed without a story! Thank you, good girl for giving mammy the poo, now pplease don't pick up poo off the street again dd.

Overheard by my husband a supermarket loos.

"Yes you can be a crocodile if you want to, but be a crocodile who is doing a poo".

'Can you take the Monkey out of the toilet then please, he doesn't go down there.'
Said to toddler ds who had decided to put his toy monkey in there.
I'm sure there's millions more I could think of, probably be back later with more

I had to say in school today:

"Put NewBoy down. He is not your performing monkey"

Also "Do you really think Biff and Chip would be better off ditching the teddy and taking a gun in "Survival Adventure"? Do you think they are old enough to use a gun safely?"

'No I do not have a pretend willy'

'Please do not dress the cat in pants, he doesn't like it'

'Stop climbing out of the upstairs windows, it's a long way down'

'Quit eating the catfood, it's horrible'

'Please stop wiping your bottom on the curtains. That is what the toilet paper is for'

'Yes it DOES make a mess if you take the top off your cup and tip the juice over your head....AGAIN.'

'DO NOT OPEN THE SODDING CUBICLE DOOR WHILE MUMMY IS HAVING A POO'

"Please do not lick your brother"

"Why did you poo in the sink??"

Where are you ds?

How did you get under the bed?

When the hell did you learn to crawl? I left you in the middle of the room and had a quick wee.

Oh god, please tell me you aren't really trying to eat my trainers.

PMSL - absolutely hilarious. Has cheered me up on a particularly hard day. My DS is 11 weeks so I've got all this to come - don't know if I'm looking forward to it or dreading it!

'Yes I'm sure you can get your willy in the playmobil man's head but I don't think you should in case it gets....stuck. Oh really? Well umm wiggle it and see if it comes out. No I can't help, sorry, you got it in'.

DS1(7): 'Mum, how did you learn how to blow peas out from DS2's nostril?'
Me (very relieved to have got very stuck pea out): 'I read it on the internet.'
DS1: 'Awesome'

and

DS2(3): 'Mum you didn't drop the medicine, this fat lady did'
Me (to the pharmacist): 'I'm really sorry he just called you fat .'

Don't put lego in your moomoo.

"No, the dog cannot become a cat if he wants to. Yes, he can be everything he wants to be. No, I am not denying him his right to choose. Yes, I do believe in him and want him to feel good about himself. But he still cannot be a cat. That's not how transgender works."

I.am.crying.

To DH: 'Just show DT1 your pubic hair will you?'...Because she wants to see it'

'No, don't run away or the poo will fall out and... ...onto my foot like that...'

Loudly, in public, often: 'Mummy is just going to have a wee-wee, I'll be back in a minute'

Yes, "fucker" is a bad word and No, you cannot even think it. (DS is 6 and looks like your archetypal altar boy).