Please remove your book from my knickers DS

[TheSkiingGardener]

said to my 11 month old who presented me with a book to read to him while I was on the loo.

Any other things you never, ever thought you would say?

oh, I forgot - 'stop sucking my mole!'

I have a large mole on the back of my leg, which the GP has said is not worth removing yet, but he's monitoring it. DS seems to think it's a spare 'back of the leg' nipple, and keeps trying to latch on to it. Which is utterly repulsive. I can't walk around the house in shorts, or change my trousers near him now, or he grabs onto the back of my leg and starts on the mole.

These are brilliant!!

"No darling that's not a nappy, it's for mummy when she's had the baby"

"If the dog's licked it please don't then eat the rest"

"Please don't eat out of the dog's bowl"

"No I don't want to see you punch yourself in the face, but thank you for asking"

"Don't wash the cat with your tongue"

"Stop wielding knives"

"It's not a mouse, its called a tampon. And yes, it's meant to be up there"

Said by my friend at breakfast " I think that's enough jam in the teapot now thank you"!

Do not wee on the slide.

No I do not want to see your poo poo pattern

"Get those tadpoles out of my living room"
Screeched at my 10yo dd last weekend.

"Whose shoved pooh down the bath overflow?"
The culprit was my 9yo ds.

"Please stop painting your willy with the toothbrush"

"No, you are not putting out the fire with your wee wee"

"No, I am not the same age as Grandma"

"Please get up from the floor so that the dog will stop trying to hump you give you a cuddle"

why is there a little shred of paper in your nappy that says '£5 off'? - had caught DD eating newspaper the day before. apparently a small piece had passed through, still complete with print.

that's the dog's treat, not yours.

you can't drink out of the dog bowl.

some of these are friggin' hilarious

No love, I'm sure you won't have to practise with the girls..... (DS1 worrying about KS2 sex ed)

"Why is there boiled egg on the wall"?

Reply from child, "I sneezed"!

"No, they are not maltesers, you can't eat them. That's your poo."
Said to DD1 when she did her first poo in the potty.

"Stop licking the TV" (DD2)

"Stop licking the train window" (DD1)

"Get that out of your mouth" - said ad infinitum to DD2

Only have 2 girls so luckily no willies on the table in this house! (DH has been trained - although he does sometimes do his willy-dance)

'Don't wee on your brother'

"Yes your poo does look like a sausage...No it is not NOT delicious"

"No Snails are not bouncing on your bed", "Snails live in a country far away", "Snails live outdoors and not in mummy's house"

"Stop throwing caterpillars at the boys it makes them sad."

2.4DD

Did you draw on the baby's head?

Get out of the rabbit hutch.

Please take your willy out of the shampoo bottle.

"Stop humping the sofa please."

For similar reasons, I could never sit him in a shopping trolley.

"Snot is not a snack"

"Stop vaccuming the water out of the dog's bowl NOW"

Great thread. OP should compile them into one of those little books for Xmas.

"Those green blobs stuck to the side of the toilet are 'fresh disc cleaners' - they are not for target practice!" Said to my 2 sons (8 & 11) repeatedly. No wonder they don't last the advertised amount of flushes!

Take your head out of your dinner.

Leave your brother's willy alone.

"That's not food!", usually said whilst frantically trying to scoop sand/Miracle-Gro/Pritt Stik out of DS's mouth.

"Baby doesn't want to say hello right now, sweetheart" - DS keeps lifting my top right up (and I mean right up) to say hello to my bump. I can safely say that most of the staff at Asda, Mothercare, Primark, and Boots have now seen my bra.

"That's your belly button ... Don't put the straw in it".

"Get the dog out of your mouth!"

(overheard when DS went to watch DH pee) "No. No .... NO!! Daddy is trying to wee, I don't want an empty toilet roll tube on my willy! .... AAARG!!! Let go! LET GO!!" (DS had apparently tired of the tube and grabbed himself a handful of ball instead).

"Why is there juice in the washing machine?"

"Get your bum out of my face."

"It's okay to sniff your own shoes if you desperately must but please stop sniffing the display ... And give that girl her shoes back! No, don't sniff them!"

"Get down!" x100000 times a day

"Put Santa's ornaments back! And that log! And those carrots are for the reindeer ... Sorry about this, Santa ... Are you going to say hello to Santa Claus? Oh ... Bye then, Santa"

"It's alright sweetheart, I can manage wiping my own bottom, but thank you for offering to help, that's very kind"

"DD, sweetheart, please take the fried rice out of your nose. It's not nice"

"No, we are not having poo for dinner. Or for snack"

"Why is your brother crying?" (x million every day )

"Absolutely no icecream until you've eaten all your hotdog!"

"please come in from the balcony and put some pants on"

"get your head out of the oven now!"

"Your brother is not a train!"

I could go on forever here and ds isn't even talking yet!

Please don't pick your nose and wipe it on Grandad! My breast is not removable!

"Yes, I expect that man does have a willy."

"I'm sure even Darth Vader wee's nicely in the toilet"

Said this morning in response to 4.6yo DS who was pee-ing a little too enthusiastically, he was the one who started talking about Vader - no idea why . He hasn't even seen the films yet.